Smart Women being stupid in relationships...and the friends who pick up the pieces!!

JennRN · #1 01-23-2008, 02:04 PM

Ok, this is sort of a vent for me, but feel free to offer advice. I have a friend who has a great job, is intelligent and successful, but pathetic in relationships.
Here's the story: she dated Mr. X who was seperated-not divorced-for almost 2 years. Then they break up, I don't know why. Fast forward to spring 2007 for round 2. They date for about 6 months. He's still NOT divorced, but going to do it for sure this time. They start travelling together, he's giving her jewelry, they talk about opening a business together and getting married in Hawaii in a couple of years. I start to worry. The date of his final divorce deadline(the one where you've filed and the time elapses and then you have to officially keep pushing for divorce) comes up. Mr. X tells my friend that his counselor tells him he needs a "break". That was 2 months ago and she hasn't seen or heard from him since. Now, she has to return all his crap-so her plan is to pack it up, leave it on his doorstep, RING THE DOORBELL, and leave. She's even giving back the jewelry.

We were discussing this and she's like-I want him to live with this/he thinks it's just a break and I want him to know I'm not sitting here waiting for him/I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to get the jewelry back one day.

Ok-no, he doesn't think it's just a break (does he??). And you're admitting you'd get back with him!! While I want to be supportive of her, because she's a good friend, part of me wants to be like-enough of this!!! Stop being pathetic!!! (I forgot to mention he's about 20 years older than her). Argggh!!!

33girl · #2 01-23-2008, 02:14 PM

The fact that she is returning everything and doing it with no contact speaks louder than anything that's coming out of her mouth. If she really thought the relationship was salvageable she wouldn't do that - she'd make him come get it. Let her stream of conciousness go and let her say whatever comes out of her mouth, and don't overanalyze or deride her about it. She doesn't need it right now.

DaemonSeid · #3 01-23-2008, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

The fact that she is returning everything and doing it with no contact speaks louder than anything that's coming out of her mouth. If she really thought the relationship was salvageable she wouldn't do that - she'd make him come get it. Let her stream of conciousness go and let her say whatever comes out of her mouth, and don't overanalyze or deride her about it. She doesn't need it right now.

If she was really good she sell the stuff....hehehe....

any movie watchers remember the $1 sale......??

BabyPiNK_FL · #4 01-23-2008, 02:37 PM

DON'T LET HER GIVE BACK THE JEWELRY. Encourage her to sell it and maybe start her own business or something (like they had discussed). She needs something to keep her busy and in these economic times, it can't hurt to have a lil something on the side. He's already well-established in life with a 20 year advantage. She could focus on getting where she needs to go/getting what she wants out of life. She seems to be taking a positive step in the right direction (by giving back his stuff), but what will be the next step?

1908Revelations · #5 01-23-2008, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

any movie watchers remember the $1 sale......??

Oh heck yeah!! And the flaming Volvo or BMW. Angela is my hero!

DaemonSeid · #6 01-23-2008, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1908Revelations

Oh heck yeah!! And the flaming Volvo or BMW. Angela is my hero!

I wouldn't have torched the car........lol....hehehe...but back then...there was no ebay...HA!

AKA_Monet · #7 01-23-2008, 02:45 PM

To the OP:

Possession is 9/10th of the law--or at least that how the comment goes...

If he wants to file a writ in court, he needs to come back and get his stuff unless she has already sold it...

Why mess with a fool anyway with this on-off yes-no separated/divorce BS?

I literally stopped reading after you wrote separated but not divorced.

1908Revelations · #8 01-23-2008, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

I wouldn't have torched the car........lol....hehehe...but back then...there was no ebay...HA!

I wouldn't have either.

But the OPs friend sould definately keep the jewelery or sell it. Giving it back....... not the best idea. But if this gets the jerk out of her life then so be it!

DaemonSeid · #9 01-23-2008, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To the OP:

Possession is 9/10th of the law--or at least that how the comment goes...

If he wants to file a writ in court, he needs to come back and get his stuff unless she has already sold it...

Why mess with a fool anyway with this on-off yes-no separated/divorce BS?

I literally stopped reading after you wrote separated but not divorced.

Sounds like she got the title right tho....heh

JennRN · #10 01-23-2008, 02:53 PM

I tried really hard to convince her to keep the jewelry! Some of it is diamonds, and you never know when you might need an extra spot of cash!!! I joked to her-keep it-one day you can say, hey Mr. X just paid off my speeding ticket!! Or, Mr. X just helped me pay last month's credit card bill!!! But she just said that looking at it was too hard( then hide the damn things!!)-and she wanted to return it to make a statement. And that she hoped one day to get it back...

DSTCHAOS · #11 01-23-2008, 02:59 PM

Better topic: Smart people who have stupid friends and get too involved in their stupid friends' lives.

Your friend's situation that she placed herself in sucks. If she asks for your opinion give it to her and move on. I wouldn't devote much time to thinking about it or being involved in it. You should have better things to do with your time.

nittanyalum · #12 01-23-2008, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JennRN

and she wanted to return it to make a statement. And that she hoped one day to get it back...

Aaaahhhhh-ha. And there it is. This is what I assumed when I read the first post. Your friend is deluding herself that she is making the "big statement", thinking it will "scare" him and finally get him "seeing straight." And in return, she expects the "grand gesture" from him... she probably pictures him crawling back, 2 dozen roses in hand, the box of "stuff" (including jewelry) pathetically tucked under his arm, tears streaming down his face as he confesses the epiphany he's finally had and that he just filed the divorce paperwork...

It's not going to happen. He will take all of the stuff back, either re-gift it to his wife (or next girlfriend) or stash it away for a similar future use. She won't see it again. Her train's already wrecked, you unfortunately just need to stand back and wait until she smells the smoldering remains. I once tried to 'save' a friend of mine like this, we're no longer friends, and she's still single and miserable but making it everyone else's problem.

ThetaDancer · #13 01-23-2008, 03:02 PM

Just a word of encouragement...
Keep up the good work of being her friend when she is in need. I know it's not easy (and sometimes absolutely frustrating) to help a friend in this kind of situation, but I'm sure she really appreciates it.
ETA: To echo what nittanyalum said, you really can't "save" a friend in this situation. It's hard because you want to be able to make it better, and sometimes you just can't. But still being there to spend time with her and be supportive is really important.

AGDee · #14 01-23-2008, 03:03 PM

I wondered if she suspects that he is back with his wife and wants to leave it on his porch hoping that the wife finds it and "punishes" him by leaving him or making him miserable.

DaemonSeid · #15 01-23-2008, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JennRN

I tried really hard to convince her to keep the jewelry! Some of it is diamonds, and you never know when you might need an extra spot of cash!!! I joked to her-keep it-one day you can say, hey Mr. X just paid off my speeding ticket!! Or, Mr. X just helped me pay last month's credit card bill!!! But she just said that looking at it was too hard( then hide the damn things!!)-and she wanted to return it to make a statement. And that she hoped one day to get it back...

whatever you do....don't be an enabler...hehehehe!