I think I may have pledged the wrong fraternity, need advice

[kackhunter24]

I am currently pledging a fraternity, but I am beginning to think I made a big mistake. The fraternity I am pledging is really small, only 16 active brothers. At first I liked this because they were all so close, but now I am realizing I do not really fit in with them. After spending a lot of time with them, I am starting to think I am a lot more different from them than I originally thought. I liked my pledge class at first too, but now I am seeing I'm different from them too. When they get drunk they act like idiots, like middle schoolers that just drank for the first time. During rush I had fun at their parties, but am now realizing their parties are kinda lame. They have a small house far from campus, so they dont usually get more than 80-100 people crammed in their house for parties. While working them I think to myself, "would I even be having fun if I was a brother right now?"

I joined greek life late, I am pledging as a junior. I have thought about dropping and joining another house next semester, but I really do not want to go through pledging all again, and as a senior. Plus this is a very small campus, so I would not be able to avoid the brothers of this frat if I dropped. They have a history of making life hell for pledges who dropped, most transfer.

While I feel like I made the wrong decision right now, I really do not know, it fluctuates a lot. The reason I am pledging as a junior is that I struggled to make connections with people at this school before hand. I thought I had finally found my group of people, but now I think I may be wrong, and it really hurts. While I feel I may be wrong, I am not sure. I have a lot of fun with these guys some nights, but others I feel like this and that I want to drop. It really depends on the night. I feel like dropping could be the right decision, but I also feel like it could be a huge mistake. I really just do not know. I also know all the guys really care about me. Even though we are kinda different, they have showed how much they care about me and want me here. This would make leaving much harder on me, even if it is the right call

I just wish I could turn back time to 2 years ago, when I was actually happy. A year and a half ago something happened that messed my life up pretty badly, and I am still feeling the effects to this day. I had a great life before this event, and it has really been awful since. I thought this fraternity would finally bring me out of this incredibly long and painful slump, but now I am not sure, which makes the pain so much worse. I apologize for this last paragraph, I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Any advice would really be appriciated, thanks.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by kackhunter24

I am currently pledging a fraternity, but I am beginning to think I made a big mistake. The fraternity I am pledging is really small, only 16 active brothers. At first I liked this because they were all so close, but now I am realizing I do not really fit in with them. After spending a lot of time with them, I am starting to think I am a lot more different from them than I originally thought. I liked my pledge class at first too, but now I am seeing I'm different from them too. When they get drunk they act like idiots, like middle schoolers that just drank for the first time. During rush I had fun at their parties, but am now realizing their parties are kinda lame. They have a small house far from campus, so they dont usually get more than 80-100 people crammed in their house for parties. While working them I think to myself, "would I even be having fun if I was a brother right now?"

I joined greek life late, I am pledging as a junior. I have thought about dropping and joining another house next semester, but I really do not want to go through pledging all again, and as a senior. Plus this is a very small campus, so I would not be able to avoid the brothers of this frat if I dropped. They have a history of making life hell for pledges who dropped, most transfer.

While I feel like I made the wrong decision right now, I really do not know, it fluctuates a lot. The reason I am pledging as a junior is that I struggled to make connections with people at this school before hand. I thought I had finally found my group of people, but now I think I may be wrong, and it really hurts. While I feel I may be wrong, I am not sure. I have a lot of fun with these guys some nights, but others I feel like this and that I want to drop. It really depends on the night. I feel like dropping could be the right decision, but I also feel like it could be a huge mistake. I really just do not know. I also know all the guys really care about me. Even though we are kinda different, they have showed how much they care about me and want me here. This would make leaving much harder on me, even if it is the right call

I just wish I could turn back time to 2 years ago, when I was actually happy. A year and a half ago something happened that messed my life up pretty badly, and I am still feeling the effects to this day. I had a great life before this event, and it has really been awful since. I thought this fraternity would finally bring me out of this incredibly long and painful slump, but now I am not sure, which makes the pain so much worse. I apologize for this last paragraph, I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Any advice would really be appriciated, thanks.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is would you be happier being unaffiliated or stick with this fraternity? It sounds like those are your only 2 options at this point.

[Kevin]

And consider the alumni connections you'll have in 2 short years when you graduate. That's not nothing.

[FSUZeta]

I am so sorry that a hardship is still effecting you 1 1/2 years after it occurred. It must have been devastating to you. Have you talked to someone about your feelings in regard to this event-a parent, relative, friend, or better still, the counseling service at your school? The old adage " a shared burden is half a burden" is true.

It sounds as if you might be looking to others to make you happy. In my experience, if one can't be happy/content on one's own, he/she will forever be pursuing something he/she will never find. Please speak to someone about your unhappiness. Try to appreciate the good times you have with your fraternity. None of us had perfect experiences in our chapters.

[Sciencewoman]

^^^ I agree that you should talk to someone about what happened...your campus counseling center is there for you. Many students seek the support they can offer.

You said that all your brothers really care about you. To me, that's worth a lot more than party quality/attendance. Since you're wavering back and forth, I would not drop at this point. I'd hate for you to regret it later, and miss out on the support your brothers can offer you.

[33girl]

I'm assuming you're home for Spring Break and thinking entirely too much. MOST people have a moment, if not more, during their pledgeship where they have "buyer's remorse" - even if they got their first choice, even if they love everyone. It's human nature, especially if you have something in your life that's haunting you (ditto on the campus counseling, by the way) and making you second guess everything you do.

Lots of people pledging and getting into the Greek scene for the first time get too drunk and act like idiots. Keep in mind you are older (I'm assuming) than most of your pledge class. I would guess that there are pledges in EVERY fraternity on campus displaying the same doofus-like behavior now and then.

That small house far from campus? I'm betting that next year when you are worrying about applying for jobs and/or grad school, it will be a welcome place to be rather than Huge Giant Alpha Beta In The Middle Of Campus Where People Are Constantly In Your Face.

Honestly, I was really moved to read this:

I also know all the guys really care about me. Even though we are kinda different, they have showed how much they care about me and want me here.

Most men don't express how they feel so eloquently or so beautifully. You wouldn't be able to do that if you hadn't really found some true friends in this fraternity.

Hang in there.

[Psi U MC Vito]

A lot of people seem to think that just because you are Brothers, you will get along at all times and that you will never get annoyed by each other. Not true. The true question I think you need to ask is this. DO you know that when it really matters your soon to be Brothers will have your back? If the answer is yes, then you are in the right place.

[PhilTau]

I guess despite every attempt by every responsible fraternity to eliminate the BS that goes along with "pledging," there still exists pledging, which I am opposed to for many reasons. Without condoning or encouraging this outdated and destructive practice, consider this:

Expecting to like everyone in your "pledge" class (let alone actives in your fraternity while "pledging") is unrealistic. If you like 70 percent of your "pledge" class count yourself lucky. If you like (after becoming active) more than 50 percent of the actives (and creepy alums that continue to hang out there after graduating), count yourself lucky.

If you don't like guys acting like they're in junior high school when no one else is present, don't join a fraternity . . . also, don't join any other exclusively male fraternal organization.

The baseline that I would recommend using to determine whether to stay is (when all the BS is stripped away) whether these guys' moral and social values are consistent with your own. For example, my own fraternity (the local chapter of the national I belong to) was born from guys who served in the military in Vietnam. So per tradition, at our formals, we'd all circle up with our dates and sing songs that were sung in the "Old Navy" (and I don't mean the store). It was very embarrassing. But (and a big but) deep down I knew they did not mean to offend. Nor were the songs sung with malice. I knew that we each had similar goals in life and we all tried to be and become good men and be basically good people. I chose to get past the embarrassing songs, the stupid arguments and the petty drama associated with my particular local chapter of my particular fraternity. It's really the thing I value most from my undergraduate studies.

You are not going to like everyone in or everything about the fraternity you choose. Kinda like life.

[33girl]

I don't mean to get this thread on a tangent, but the consistent use of quotation marks ("pledge") bugs. If you don't like it, fine, but being degrading about practices you don't agree with and that aren't in your organization doesn't help your cause.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

I am so sorry that a hardship is still effecting you 1 1/2 years after it occurred. It must have been devastating to you. Have you talked to someone about your feelings in regard to this event-a parent, relative, friend, or better still, the counseling service at your school? The old adage " a shared burden is half a burden" is true.

It sounds as if you might be looking to others to make you happy. In my experience, if one can't be happy/content on one's own, he/she will forever be pursuing something he/she will never find. Please speak to someone about your unhappiness. Try to appreciate the good times you have with your fraternity. None of us had perfect experiences in our chapters.

Good advice! I'm getting the impression that he'd probably feel the same way about any group he could have joined. Until the OP faces and deals with the issues holding him back, he will probebly never find what he's looking for.

[Katmandu]

If it is really true that the guys care about you, want you there, and you find some of them that you care about as well, then I would stick and do everything I could to make friends, be at peace, and be part of the organization. As the mom of young adult men your age, my heart goes out to you for whatever happened that is still affecting you. That is likely affecting your view of the fraternity and school as well. You have such a short time in this group as an active, then a lifetime as an alum member. Is the national organization--their ideals, standards and history something you want to share? If so, make the best of your time. Insure that you pledge some stand up guys next rush time, be a model, be a mentor, and most of all, take care of yourself. Get counseling if needed. Hugs from a mom.