Why in the world should a lady be expected to join a house she didn't want to?

[33girl]

Originally posted by navane
Now, several times I have seen an occassion where a PNM reported that she was left with chapters on her invite list which were not her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd choice. Some of these chapters were at the very bottom of the PNM's personal list. The PNM wanted so very much to be in a sorority, but she just did not want to be in that one on the bottom of her list or bid. Girls like this agonize or whether or not to quit.

I cringe when I read impassioned pleas from sorority women encouraging the PNM to not give up and to "give that chapter a chance" because, "you might end up loving it" or "that chapter must have seen something in you". Some people even go so far as to imply that a chapter will know better than the PNM as whether or not she'll fit in there, so they should just go with it. <shudder>

Given that a young woman may be agonzing over a decision, are you going to try and tell me that her Rho Chi encouraging her to not quit because "you may grow to like it" is not pressuring her to join a house she truly doesn't want?!?! I see that happening here on GC every recruitment season. Very rarely does someone say, "Yikes, you only got invited back to the one house you disliked the most and now you want to drop out? Yeah, it sounds like you may have to do that and try again at next recruitment".

Now, before someone goes off on one, let's qualify that sometimes a PNM's disappointment stems from not getting her first choice house and nothing else. These girls truly do like their 2nd choice, but, they are momentarily blinded by their emotions. In that moment of disappointment, they think that NONE of the choices are good because they got cut by that ONE chapter. These girls are the ones which need to be gently reminded about how they really liked their other houses too and how they should stay in recruitment.

However, I repeat, this is not appropriate to do with girls who believe that they got a bid from a chapter that they simply do not like. This is what I perceive James to be talking about. Why put pressure on a girl to accept that bid? What if she's miserable? How "fun" was that for her or the chapter who bid her?

It depends why she "just doesn't like it." Is it because she feels she has nothing in common with the sisters, or because it isn't the most popular house? There are women - and we've seen some on GC - who go into rush liking the top 1-3 houses - thinking that they DESERVE to be in those houses - and if they get cut from those don't want to go on. It has NOTHING to do with how she related to the women in the chapter or how she feels about the sorority's values or mission - it has to do with "oh boo hoo, I was top of the heap in high school and OBVIOUSLY I should be there now as well." Sorry, but don't expect me to cry any tears for this sort of thinking.

And yes, I know that there are schools where if you're in an "unpopular" house, you have limited social options. This is truly a sucky situation. But I think in that case the sorority needs to try & find the rushees that are up for the challenge of strenghthening that chapter, instead of "let's invite everyone and hope someone comes." It makes the PNMs upset because they have to go there and it makes the sorority look bad as well.

When we say "keep an open mind" it doesn't just apply to giving chapters a chance - it also means to REALLY look at how the chapter sisters are relating to you. Don't be so desperate to make that connection that you manufacture something that isn't there and build it up - when there could be real connections somewhere else.

And as condescending as it sounds, yes, sometimes the sisters do know better than the rushee where she'll fit, at least where their own chapter is concerned. We have on our "best faces" at rush and if I get a vibe that a girl's easily intimidated by loud or sarcastic people, I know she won't fit in my chapter.