Should I stay or go?

[DizzyIzzy]

I have quite a predicament. I joined a chapter, I'll call it Tri-Chi, this past semester at my school and at first, I really enjoyed it. I had madea few friends int he house and went forward with iniation. After initiation, the atmosphere seemed to shift. I was often ignored and not called for events that were happening, was not talked to at events I was required to be at, and was most definitely talked about. The events only worsened when I shared with a sister that I was planning to dye my hair. I grew up being punk-emoish (which has nothing to do with being depressed, might I add), and was planning to put a light violet streak in my hair close to my face, something which to me isn't all that extreme and for me, very subtle. The Tri-Chis freaked. I felt assaulted on all fronts, being told I was seekiing a makeover and reinvention, being ignored more and condemned for ruining our chapter's image (we are a smaller chapter).

I can understand their worry, but I do not fear being judged personally. I believe that anyone that judges an entire group based on one person does not deserve the respect of the group, nor do we want them in our organization. I fear that by staying in the house, I will be furthere exiled. I hate quitting, I just feel very cornered. Any advice?

Izzy

[KSUViolet06]

I don't get what the problem is. If you don't like it, and people are making you feel so outcast and unwelcome, then leave. Unless you enjoy being made to feel that way...

[adpiucf]

If you have made a fair effort to get to know everyone and you aren't enjoying your membership, quit. If this is an NPC sorority, do know that you may not join another NPC sorority as you have been initiated.

A lot of folks get frustrated after initation b/c they feel there is a let down. During the new member period, you are spoiled with gifts and attention. This tapers off once you are initiated and some feel resentful or unwanted. It is a normal feeling, but you have to resolve with yourself: have I made an effort to be friendly, outgoing and interact with the other sisters? Can I make the first move?

Feeling unwanted at chapter events can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you attend events with a sour look on your face or a bad attitude, people feed off those vibes and will be less likely to approach you.

You also have to consider that being a part of a group involves a certain level of conformity and adopting certain norms. If the members of your chapter are leaning more toward homogenous and not quite so diverse, they might be a little unsure of how to handle a more punk-style member.

A lot of people will tell you to stick it out, make an effort, get involved in the leadership, remember that a sorority is a lifetime committment, etc. I appreciate all of those sentiments and agree, to a certain extent. The reality is that a small percentage of women stay involved in their sororities following graduation. The reality is also that college is a period of self-exploration and if sorority membership isn't something enjoyable for you, I honestly don't see the big deal in dropping out of it. A sorority is a committment of time and money. If you're not getting much out of it, you don't like the members, their policies or the way you perceive yourself to be treated, and you have made the effort, there's little point in being a member.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by adpiucf

A lot of folks get frustrated after initation b/c they feel there is a let down. During the new member period, you are spoiled with gifts and attention. This tapers off once you are initiated and some feel resentful or unwanted. It is a normal feeling, but you have to resolve with yourself: have I made an effort to be friendly, outgoing and interact with the other sisters? Can I make the first move?

This is so true!!! The semester after initiation is often the roughest, especially if you're waiting to move into the house. You have to be the one to reach out and say "hey, what are you doing this weekend?" and let people KNOW if you feel left out. Your sisters aren't mind readers - they might think you're doing other things on your own and don't want to push you to be 1000% sorority 24/7/365.

As far as the hair, do any of the girls have tattoos or piercings? I don't know why it would be any different than that.

If you haven't made an equal effort to get to know everyone, and all they know of you is "the girl who wants to dye her hair purple" it might not come across well.

[KyleMcGuire1983]

see that's why with Fraternities you don't get that measure of acceptance until AFTER the pledge period....which is why our retention rates seem to be higher!

Pledging in NIC Fraternities is a challenge where the reward comes with membership.

It seems like the New Member programs of most sororities includes showering the girls with gifts and attention.....at my campus they don't even have house duties. Once they get initiated they get stuck with house duties, increased dues, rent, fines for not attending events, etc etc.

To me it seems like the slope is a bit backward.....

I mean all too often I hear sorority women saying "blah blah blah I wish I could pledge Sigma Nu blah blah blah I wish I was in a fraternity!" Why on Earth am I hearing this from multiple sorority women in various chapter?!

I'm also hearing girls telling me they want to go through hazing and hell weeks and stuff. Totally nuts!

To most fraternities the pledge is a probationary non-member who has to earn his letters via dedication to the chapter (project management, house duties, etc etc) and I think the work expected of pledges prepares them for the work expected of actives when they cross. Personally my Fraternal work-load increased as I went active and took on Exec jobs buuuuuut I was more prepared by having a serious pledge semester where my big bro didn't get me pillows and stuffed animals while not making me have house duties such as moping our first floor or cleaning up the TV room. (and yes every Sigma Nu is expected to complete house duties....not just the pledges)

[REE1993]

Kyle, that's the way things were until the early- to mid-90s. For various reasons, things have changed a lot.

At my first college, I pledged an NPC sorority (spring) but had to depledge the week before summer break because I had to leave school for medical reasons. Pledging was 14 weeks during that semester, with initations happening the first week of the following semester. Let's just say that pledging was VERY VERY different back then.

When I later transferred to the school where I pledged and initiated Gamma Sig, things were also very different than they are now.

At both schools, there was the philosophy that you had to "earn" your letters. For discretion's sake, that is all I will say about it.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by KyleMcGuire1983

It seems like the New Member programs of most sororities includes showering the girls with gifts and attention.....at my campus they don't even have house duties. Once they get initiated they get stuck with house duties, increased dues, rent, fines for not attending events, etc etc.

To me it seems like the slope is a bit backward.....

exactly. We were having this same discussion in another thread. search under honeychile's name & the word "retention."

I don't think that's the issue in the OP's case though, I think she's going through a post initiation letdown which I and many others can relate to, no matter how "hard' or "easy" your pledging was. Even if you're working your butt off - you're a pledge and so there's extra attention paid to you (even if it's negative). It makes you special. Once you intiate and you're just another brother/sister, you have to find a way to cope with not being special because of your status anymore.

REE1993, I'm confused - did your GSS chapter give out bids in the same way as an NPC?? If not, then yes, obviously you would have to show you were fit for membership in some way.

[KyleMcGuire1983]

Originally Posted by 33girl

exactly. We were having this same discussion in another thread. search under honeychile's name & the word "retention."

I don't think that's the issue in the OP's case though, I think she's going through a post initiation letdown which I and many others can relate to, no matter how "hard' or "easy" your pledging was. Even if you're working your butt off - you're a pledge and so there's extra attention paid to you (even if it's negative). It makes you special. Once you intiate and you're just another brother/sister, you have to find a way to cope with not being special because of your status anymore.

REE1993, I'm confused - did your GSS chapter give out bids in the same way as an NPC?? If not, then yes, obviously you would have to show you were fit for membership in some way.

You have a good point, we put on serenades and our formal mostly just for the pledges. They really are the focus of everybody's attention. The way I avoided the whole "not special" thing was by diving right into leadership. My first active semester I was Alumni Relations and Risk Reduction, my second active semester (and first eligible for an exec position) I was Vice President, then I was Secretary, and now I'm Vice President again...by far the easiest way to stand out is by taking on a leadership role.

[AKA_Monet]

/hijack

When I read the thread title, I immediately thought of the '80 punk band, The Clash, and the song:

"Should I stay or should I go..."

And we just won't say, but in school we changed the song to:

"Is that woman just a ho"...

/end hijack

[DMCBlondie]

Originally Posted by DizzyIzzy

The Tri-Chis freaked.

You say they freaked, but you are one of them, technically.
When I was a new member, sometimes I felt like people weren't talking to me or asking me to do anything, but then I realized the problem was me not them. Your sorority experience is what you make it. If you only attend the minimum amount of activities and stay away from the house, you will feel isolated. We tell our new members, come to the house every day between every class, even if you don't feel comfortable or don't know anyone, because over time things will change. The more you're around, the more you'll be included in and the less you'll miss out on.

I never thought about dropping, but at the end of my first year in the sorority I didn't really feel close to anyone. Not being close to anyone in your pledge class is not an excuse though. Don't make your choice until you have the opportunity to connect with some new members. Take it upon yourself to be the sister you think your chapter is missing. Make it a point to get to know all the new members and maybe you'll find a new best friend It is a great feeling to know that younger sisters respect you and look to you for advice.

[AlexMack]

Originally Posted by DMCBlondie

You say they freaked, but you are one of them, technically.
When I was a new member, sometimes I felt like people weren't talking to me or asking me to do anything, but then I realized the problem was me not them. Your sorority experience is what you make it. If you only attend the minimum amount of activities and stay away from the house, you will feel isolated. We tell our new members, come to the house every day between every class, even if you don't feel comfortable or don't know anyone, because over time things will change. The more you're around, the more you'll be included in and the less you'll miss out on.

I never thought about dropping, but at the end of my first year in the sorority I didn't really feel close to anyone. Not being close to anyone in your pledge class is not an excuse though. Don't make your choice until you have the opportunity to connect with some new members. Take it upon yourself to be the sister you think your chapter is missing. Make it a point to get to know all the new members and maybe you'll find a new best friend It is a great feeling to know that younger sisters respect you and look to you for advice.

This is really true. I didn't make a huge effort during my NM period and I regret it now. Ironic thing was, the day all my sisters moved back to the house after summer break, I shot straight over there because I'd missed them all so much.
There has to be a two-way effort. I didn't realize this until it was too late. Go hang out at your house, even if it's just to study in-between classes. The more you're around, the more they're going to realize that you do want to be a part of the chapter.
OTOH, if you are really that unhappy, it may not be worth it to stay. Honestly, I'd try making an effort first, calling up some of your sisters and saying, "we never hang out and I'd really like to get to know you better. Want to get coffee/lunch/whatever?" If you try and it's just not working, you don't have to stay.

[DizzyIzzy]

I have tried to connect with the sisters. I have asked to go out with them, invited them out to things I was going to, tried to meet with them for lunch...but no one seemed to take interest. They made me uncomfortable in every moment, and no one spoke to me during meals. Its not just a let down but I feel excluded.

[KSUViolet06]

It clearly seems as if you have your mind made up to leave. What is the point of asking if you should leave if you have already made up your mind?

[REE1993]

Originally Posted by 33girl

REE1993, I'm confused - did your GSS chapter give out bids in the same way as an NPC?? If not, then yes, obviously you would have to show you were fit for membership in some way.

Yes, although we arre non-discriminatory, you could not just walk in and get letters. We had an 8-week long pledge period, pledge projects, service hours, quizzes, minimum grades. There were some girls who "didn't make it" all the way.

[ΑΓΔSquirrelGirl]

Originally Posted by DizzyIzzy

I have tried to connect with the sisters. I have asked to go out with them, invited them out to things I was going to, tried to meet with them for lunch...but no one seemed to take interest. They made me uncomfortable in every moment, and no one spoke to me during meals. Its not just a let down but I feel excluded.

Here's a question. Are you going into these invitations expecting that they will say no? Really think about it...you might be hoping they'll say yes, but do you really expect them to? Are you asking them at times that are not likely to conflict with their other activities? How do they make you uncomfortable? Are there specific actions taken and things said? If it's just a vibe, it might be mutual and you might not realize it. You are obviously different than they are...which to me is a good thing...but it might have made you think that it would be you against them from the start. Which would make eveyrone uncomfortable. If it were me, I'd give it a summer. I know for us Recruitment practice and Recruitment might be difficult, but it's also a good bonding time because everyone is FORCED to be together and to get along for the good of the group. It might make a difference. If you've gotten through that, maybe changed your attitude a little, and still think that THEIRS hasn't changed...then leave. I know I'm one that says it's a real committment and I believe it is BUT not everything in life works out and the fact is that if a sister is being treated badly then the promise of the other sisters has been broken...and fair is fair.

Though I personally don't know what to think if there was really such an issue raised because of a little purple hair...there might be more going on than you realize.