still single....

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Jen, hugs and positive energy to you, as well.

Never having children and/or never getting married doesn't mean you will be old and lonely. The average person in a retirement facility or who dies home alone has children. I strongly recommend not having children based on a promise for what may happen 18+ years down the road. That probability is as low and unfair as forcing a child to be her parent's bestfriend because the parent is friendless and lonely. Children don't sign contracts and promises. While legal spouses technically sign contracts, that doesn't mean the union will last through your elderly years.

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

Oh yes people have children for that reason and other selfish reasons. No wonder many children can't wait to get out of their parents' houses. When people ask me who will care for me when I'm unable to care for myself, I tell them "the same person or facility that will take care of you". Except my retirement and "elderly vacation" will be luxurious because I planned it as such. I don't need kids for that.

[DubaiSis]

What a terrible thing to say! People are amazingly rude sometimes. My mother always told me to NEVER ask a couple about having kids. You don't know their story. They might be desperate and crying every night over not being pregnant. This was something I could never get my husband to stop asking. One couple who I adore was a particular target of his and I was all but certain they DID want kids. But what are they supposed to say?

I do worry about being old and alone, but I guess I'm confident that it will resolve itself. Since I do intend to remarry some day, hopefully husband #2 will have (adult) children who can provide the grand kids I'd like to have, even though I never wanted kids. Otherwise there are other alternatives. I still picture myself being a house mother in my old age.

[WCsweet<3]

ASUADPi, is adoption an option for you? I know not everyone is in love with the idea. Your statement about wanting a child and worrying about age made me think about other means to having a child, with or without a partner.

Personally, I think it is rather admirable that you have waited this long. To me it was either you abstain till you marry or have sex early on and sleep with everyone with little to no care. It was hard to find a path in between, so to hear that someone else didn't necessarily care to wait till marriage but didn't jump at any random person is really rather nice.

[KSUViolet06]

Some thoughts:

When you get to 29-32ish and you see all the "early to marry" folks hitting the divorce point in their relationships, it kind of changes your perspective a little.

Oddly enough, WORKING IN BRIDAL (which I love for the design aspects) has changed my outlook on marriage more than anything else (e.g. I worked on a wedding in 2011. That couple filed for divorce 3 months ago.) It is really crazy and it shows you that marriage is not the holy grail of having a happy life.

Additionally, I find that where you live and who you surround yourself with impacts your satisfaction with being single.

My area is mostly 20something young professionals and half of them are married. Half are not. My social circle is like, 40% married. So every single person I encounter is not. In contrast, my sorority sister lives TX where EVERYONE in our age bracket is married and has been since age 22. She also has a younger married sister who has been married since 23. So her level of satisfaction is different from mine.

In addition, my best friend is bringing home a daughter from Colombia this year. She is 33 and single so being single doesn't mean you cannot be a parent. I have considered it myself in the next few years (I have little interest in bio children for a number of reasons.)

Sidenote: My mom manages a nursing home. She has seen people with 6 children who are all living within 20 miles die completely alone NEVER having a visit from any of them. So kids don't = people to love and visit you in your old age either. In contrast, she had a resident with NO children faithfully receive visits from her nieces and nephews.

Lots of random thoughts, but I hope you find what you want!

[MTSUGURL]

I grew up wanting to marry and have children. My friends, both my older and younger brothers, as well as my two younger sisters got married first. 2 of them divorced and remarried, and by the time I got married I had 11 nieces and nephews. I watched my younger friends get married. I had several failed relationships and a couple of failed engagements. I still wanted to be married and to be a mother, and not because it was expected, but sometimes that does add to the pressure simply because people don't know what to do with single women over college age, and you just don't seem to "fit" anywhere.

The best thing that ever happened to me was visiting a church with a singles group (that was NOT filled with people sizing each other up as potential mates,) and signing up to go on a retreat two weeks later. That's where I met two women that completely changed my life. They were also single, also in their late twenties and we hit it off. We moved in together and enjoyed a few years of being single together into our thirties, which brought a whole new perspective and confidence that I never would have experienced otherwise. We all still dated and looked for our Mr. Right, but we enjoyed life as single women who could be honest about our struggles while rejoicing in the freedom that we had. We built traditions that we still celebrate even though we're not all single anymore. Now two of us are married (one at 30, myself at 34,) one just had a baby and I'm getting ready to have mine. There are things that I miss about being single, although I love being married. I am so thankful for this time because if nothing else it reminds me of the support that we were for each other and how we continue to support each other and make time for each other.
I still spent a lot of time with my married friends and family, but really the only way that I was able to not only cope but thrive was through sharing that season with these women. We didn't ignore our desire to marry, and we definitely made an effort to get out and meet people, but we encouraged each other to meet other goals, improve ourselves and just enjoy life. We took a lot of girls' weekends out of town too, which definitely made the married friends jealous more than once.
You'll still be jealous sometimes, you'll still be sad, you'll still want these things, but having a few people along with you for this season definitely makes it not just livable but one of the most treasured times in your life.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Don't worry about being the oldest virgin in the world. I practice in the women's health field so I see women on a fairly reasonable basis that have never had sex. It happens, and your story is not that different than mine regarding reasons for not having sex until later in life. You've made responsible, healthy decisions for you. Sometimes it's hard to stop trying to judge your own life and decisions based on societal standards. Since you are a romantic, I hope the right man for you does come along, but that may be at a time and place that you don't expect and in a package you aren't prepared for. Realizing that the person you meet may be divorced, widowed, older or much younger than you, may be something you have to come to terms with. Be open to new experiences. You never know where you may meet new people who may introduce you to other new people. But whatever you do, don't believe the romance novels.

This!

Originally Posted by Jen

Seriously, Facebook is the WORST when you're feeling bad about where you are in your life lol.

Funny.. a lot of times, I find Facebook as the best place to be.

In my opinion, people rush things. They live their lives based on where other people are, or what other people think. They give themselves a schedule. Deadlines. They make decisions that will make other people happy. People should stop focusing on what others do, say, and think. They should, instead, focus on what makes them happy. They should tell anyone who questions them to F*** off. Seriously. Live your own life.

And you're still young enough where a husband and kids aren't out of the question. My cousin's wife just had a child at 38. And quite frankly, nowadays, you don't need a husband to have kids. I've had friends who have worked around that "obstacle" and are perfectly happy raising a child on their own. They still date, and they look for Mr. Right while raising their child.

Everyone takes a different path, and that's OK. Just find a way to be happy. That should be priority #1.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Some thoughts:

When you get to 29-32ish and you see all the "early to marry" folks hitting the divorce point in their relationships, it kind of changes your perspective a little.

YUP.

[StealthMode]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Additionally, I find that where you live and who you surround yourself with impacts your satisfaction with being single.

Word. I am (usually) happy with being single. Sure, I have my moments but I love the fact that my time is just my own at a time when it needs to be--goodness knows I don't think I could maintain a relationship with my school commitment. I know it can be done but I can't imagine me and my crazy life making that work. I am married to this doctorate, if you will. Additionally, my social circle includes a good percentage of unmarried and childless women who are in their 20s and 30s. Now, I also have a good percentage of friends who are in LTRs or married with children--but I don't see them much anymore. Rather than wishing I had their lifestyle, I sort of wish more of them were single or without children because, when I want to spontaneously go out, I am limited in who can come with me.

If anything, I am jealous of those friends who are just more "settled." I am MUCH more jealous of my little cousin's six-figure salary her guy or her baby. I feel jealous of those who have salaries, are homeowners, and are not living on a "student budget." I miss being able to order whatever at a restaurant without freaking over the price and saying "my boss" instead of "my practicum supervisor" or "the lady I babysit for." I know this is not a life that's conducive to having a marriage or child (at least not where I want to be when I start down that path) so it's not quite on the radar. I'm not self-conscious about not having the marriage and family, it's the fact that I'm not in a situation where I really could even if I wanted.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

In my opinion, people rush things. They live their lives based on where other people are, or what other people think. They give themselves a schedule. Deadlines. They make decisions that will make other people happy. People should stop focusing on what others do, say, and think. They should, instead, focus on what makes them happy. They should tell anyone who questions them to F*** off. Seriously. Live your own life.

Everyone takes a different path, and that's OK. Just find a way to be happy. That should be priority #1.

Message!!!!!!

Most women, in particular, are taught since childhood to aspire toward marriage and children. Most child stories geared toward girls are romance novels. There are still college students who believe they are getting their Mrs. Degree. From college to any other life accomplishment, women tend to be told "uh...congrats...you've gotten that fluff stuff out of the way...now is time to focus on the real definition of womanhood...a REAL accomplishment...marriage and children."

Tell people to fuck off and mind their business. Don't live a certain life to appease other people. If you waste your life on other people, YOU will be miserable and in need of rescue but the people who you were trying to impress will most likely be nowhere to be found.

[AOIILisa]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Oh yes people have children for that reason and other selfish reasons. No wonder many children can't wait to get out of their parents' houses. When people ask me who will care for me when I'm unable to care for myself, I tell them "the same person or facility that will take care of you". Except my retirement and "elderly vacation" will be luxurious because I planned it as such. I don't need kids for that.

Oh yes. I've been badgered my whole life about having kids because "You'd make such pretty kids" and "You'd be such a good mother". No, thanks, I've known since the age of about 10 that it wasn't in my cards. I've heard every breeder bingo you can possibly imagine and then some. Recently I remarried at age 50 to a man who already has two adult children.. and I was asked if we were going to have one of our own!! I'm not sure how this would even be possible since I have one egg left and it's petrified.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Message!!!!!!

Most women, in particular, are taught since childhood to aspire toward marriage and children. Most child stories geared toward girls are romance novels. There are still college students who believe they are getting their Mrs. Degree. From college to any other life accomplishment, women tend to be told "uh...congrats...you've gotten that fluff stuff out of the way...now is time to focus on the real definition of womanhood...a REAL accomplishment...marriage and children."

Tell people to fuck off and mind their business. Don't live a certain life to appease other people. If you waste your life on other people, YOU will be miserable and in need of rescue but the people who you were trying to impress will most likely be nowhere to be found.

I totally agree. Life scripts be damned, you have to live your life for you and what makes you happy, rather than impose timelines and deadlines on yourself. Obviously, if you want children, there is only a certain amount of time unless you're open to adopting, but otherwise, try not to stress too much about what is and isn't going on. I've been single, sometimes for years at a time, but there was always another guy coming along, and I didn't particularly need a man to be happy because I had other things to keep me occupied (friends, grad school, jobs, hobbies, etc.)

[carnation]

One thing about adopting: I've seen several girls on adoption sites for whom a single mother is sought. I'm assuming that they were abused by men and their workers feel they'll best heal with a mom only.

[DrPhil]

That's interesting, carnation. I wonder how successful that is seeing as though most (not all) heterosexual single mothers ideally want a significant other. Having children takes a great deal from the parents and it would be horrible to have a child who can't function if the mother had a life partner. That's an even greater cost to the parent than the average child. I would encourage a single woman to think whether she wants her dating life and future determined by a child (more than it is typically determined).

[Munchkin03]

I read this article yesterday, and reading this thread reminded me of it. I hope this provides you with some comfort and maybe even hope?

http://nyti.ms/1lCXdVt

Some places are simply easier to be single. Living in manhattan was easy as a singleton. Most of my girlifriends were (and still are) single and it's easy to get dates (relationships are another story). My hometown is hell to be living in as a single person.

I

[AGDee]

You also never know when it's going to happen. My brother was married twice and is second marriage pretty much ended because of the stress of infertility issues and having two adoptions fall through. Third marriage though- he became a dad for the first time at age 48 and the second time at age 50. He didn't think that was ever going to happen for him. You never know what life will bring you.

I should add- I did the marriage and kids thing and ended up divorced after 7 years, 6 of which were really bad. So I've been a single mom for 13 years and am facing an empty nest in September. I get upset about it sometimes, but most of the time I focus on everything I'll now be able to do that has been on hold for 20 years and get excited about it. I have to fight the "I'm going to be all alone" thoughts and focus on the "Wow, I can do so much because I'm on my own!" thoughts. It's easier sometimes than others.