Still questioning release from recruitment years later

[purplemonkey380]

Hi everyone! Quick background story first:

I rushed as a sophomore at a university with a very large Greek system. My school only has fall rush (with extremely rare exceptions). As a freshman, I wanted to give myself time to "get used to" campus life first before rushing, and would have rushed in spring had it been an option. I also wanted more time to think over the financial and time commitment. I actually rushed round 1 as a freshman to get a feel for each house, then dropped before hearing back from any houses, with the intent of rushing again as a sophomore.

So, sophomore fall comes around and I rushed again, this time with the intent of joining a chapter. I had rec letters for 2 or 3 houses (which all asked me back in round 2). By this point I also felt more financially secure since I had earned additional scholarships, which I noted in my rush application. My GPA was solid, I had a rough freshman fall but brought everything back up in the spring. Because of the rough fall semester, my campus involvement wasn't where I wanted it to be, but I was fairly active in a few clubs (with one minor leadership role) and an honor society. Personally, however, I was going through an awkward time because I realized the friends I had made in freshman fall had mismatched values and that we didn't really get along, so I dropped those friendships and decided I wanted to start over. (None of those friends were Greek or had close friends in the Greek system.) I made new friends in the spring and it all worked out, but I still longed to meet my "best friends" on campus, and felt somewhat lonely.

Anyway, round 2 comes around and I only had a few houses, but as a sophomore this wasn't totally unusual, and they were houses I really liked (including one I LOVED) so I was cool with it. In round 2 I ended up bringing up the above story about my freshman year friends which was probably an awkward move in hindsight lol, but otherwise my rounds were fine. The one notable exception was that I was given a somewhat awkward matchup in my "favorite" house. She laughed at my jokes and seemed to be having a good time, until I made a pop culture reference that she basically dismissed as being childish (it wasn't anything inappropriate, it had to do with a funny moment from a childhood show that today is really popular in memes). But aside from this, and the one other house where I brought up the freshman year friendship story, I felt pretty good at the end of round 2.

The next morning, I get a phone call saying I was released from recruitment. My counselors met up with me at lunch that day (so sweet!!!!) and were honestly SHOCKED because they saw I was very mature and level-headed, and had a lot of potential and desire to get involved on campus. Even the head counselor, who remembered me from when I rushed freshman year, was confused and honestly kind of upset because she thought I would've been a solid fit for the Greek system.

Of course at this point I was extremely emotional and didn't understand why I was released, especially because (as I learned over time) it's pretty rare at my school. Out of over a thousand girls doing recruitment each year, if we don't count girls who voluntarily drop (like I did freshman year), less than 10% are released. I don't have an exact number but I remember calculating an estimate once (based on how many rushed vs. how many got bids) and it definitely had to be less than 10%, if not much lower than this. I also go to a school where most sophomores who rush get bids, and even some juniors.

Anyway, this was a few years ago. I'm a senior now, and things worked out beautifully: I got very involved on campus, including a very large organization (which I won't name for privacy, but I'll say I did a lot with it and I'm thrilled with the difference I was able to make through that). I made friends through another (non-Greek) organization that really reflected my values, one of my friends from freshman spring inspired me to get involved with it and today I have many friends including the "college best friends" I always longed for. (One of my best friends now is actually in that "favorite" sorority, it's kind of ironic too because had I gotten in we would've been in the same PC.) And academically I'm doing great. In fact, by the time junior year fall came around I didn't have a desire to rush anymore.

However, here's why I'm posting: Despite my success outside of the Greek system, a part of me still wonders why I was released from recruitment. I'm not and was never concerned with tiers, etc. what I don't understand is why I was cut from ALL the houses by round 3 including some that I felt I clicked with pretty strongly. These feelings came up again recently because I was talking with a younger friend as she was going through the recruitment process herself.

I don't really "regret" not having done Greek life (not that I had the choice) (and my bank account is definitely glad lol, especially because I'm now planning to use my savings toward grad school!). But a part of me still feels like there's something kind of... missing, I guess? Even though I have best friends, we're all crazy busy and so on, and I never really found someone who'd be willing to just grab ice cream on a whim, text me inside jokes and silly Snapchats, or take a road trip somewhere on a weekend off. And I feel like Greek life, especially the chapters I wanted/felt I clicked with, tends to have girls who are into things like this. I love my friends but I still wish I had someone who was into those things, most of my friends don't really seem to be. As someone about to graduate I don't feel there's anything lacking in terms of my campus involvement or broader social circles at this point, and there's no way for me to get involved in Greek life now nor do I desire to at the stage I'm in. I know it's not going to matter at all in the "real world" and that I'll do totally fine in life. But still, I wonder...

I especially have wondered why my "favorite" house cut me. Not because "oh this house was so popular and the girls are so pretty" no. I generally get along with the girls I know from that house, like I said even one of my best friends is in that house, and to this day people are still surprised when they hear that I'm not a member of that sorority - let alone that I was dropped. I don't understand what's so different about my personality than most of the other girls there, not that I think I would've been besties with *everyone* but I could see where I would've fit. But when you add to this that I was also cut from ALL of the other houses, it stings further. It's still hard for me to fully believe that they didn't think something was glaringly "wrong" with me even though I now have friends who love me and who I get along great with.

I still wish they had emphasized more during recruitment that some of us would end up finding our "forever home" outside of the Greek system entirely - and that if we were to get cut across the board, it means nothing about our worth. My counselors did a fantastic job with this, but it definitely wasn't something that recruitment as a whole ever really brought up. But I guess it's not such a big deal when it happens to less than 10% of the girls who rush...

Anyone have any insight? Obviously I know I can never find out exactly why I was cut, but this has been subtly bugging me ever since, even years later

[carnation]

There's no way for us to know this--

[AZTheta]

Have you asked your best friend that is in your favorite house? That is what I would do. Because if she is indeed your best friend, she'll tell you the truth. Go to the source. Be sure you are ready for what she may say.

And perhaps that will let you put this in your rear view mirror.

Not knowing where you go to school, plus many other factors, makes it virtually impossible to hazard any guesses as to why every chapter released you (not that I would go there, myself. Speculation is not my strong suit.).

[Pinecone]

Hi, purple monkey (great name!)— I am not an active member of this board but I have been lurking recently as I for some reason in my old age have been pondering the Greek system.

I was released from rush my freshman year too, then pledged my sophomore year. I still feel the sting of that rejection all these years later. I liked my sorority and still like the women I knew in it very much. But I wonder sometimes what my college life might have been like if I had not pledged. The truth is I think smart questioning people always ask those questions.

But I want to address something more fundamental in your post, too. I was involved in two recruitments as a sorority member and have many friends who have been through them as well back in the day, at every possible school. I work on a campus and see people go through rush year after year and talk to people about it. What I want you to know is that recruitment is very random. Most likely there is no meaning behind getting released, or the meaning is stupid. At some schools they only pledge women they grew up with and went to the same camp with (this sounds unbelievable when people say it, but it is true). We always ended up liking who we pledged but we would have liked others too- some of our best members received informal bids and didn’t even go through recruitment. Recruitment (sorry I keep saying rush- habit) is a big mess of craziness and it’s a wonder it works at all. Some behaviours people like at a recruitment party make for not very interesting or unique people or friends.

I could go on, but I hope this helps? There is most likely nothing to be learned about this issue for you and I am sorry you got hurt. The system is flawed. I am still pondering whether I am in favor of it, as much as I loved my sorority.

Enjoy your senior year!

[purplemonkey380]

Originally Posted by AZTheta

Have you asked your best friend that is in your favorite house? That is what I would do. Because if she is indeed your best friend, she'll tell you the truth. Go to the source. Be sure you are ready for what she may say.

And perhaps that will let you put this in your rear view mirror.

Not knowing where you go to school, plus many other factors, makes it virtually impossible to hazard any guesses as to why every chapter released you (not that I would go there, myself. Speculation is not my strong suit.).

My friend wasn't in the sorority at the time I went through rush (she was given a bid my sophomore year, the year I was cut from all of the houses, and we met later on through another organization) so she wouldn't know what went on! I've asked her about this though, she herself has mixed feelings about her sorority and only feels close with a few girls in it, and there's a lot of people she doesn't really talk to. But she's stuck with it because of the few friends she has in it and she feels like the socials are fun to go to with them (basically what I think would've happened to me too, had I gotten in). She can't imagine why I was cut because I seem like I would have fit just as well as herself and her friends in it.

Another friend who's a PC below the one I would've been in told me that the year I rushed was a little more competitive than average, particularly for that chapter, because there were a lot of legacies (I'm not a legacy). But on the other hand, MANY non-legacies got in, including my friend (from the paragraph above), so the question still stands why they didn't want me as much as some of the other (non-legacy) girls they took.

Lowkey though, I'm still a little haunted by the fact I didn't go through with rush freshman year, because based on what my second friend said, as well as the fact that I would've been a freshman and not a sophomore, maybe I would have gotten in (or gotten into another house that I liked). And maybe I would've been spared some of the failed friendships, drama, loneliness etc. I faced in freshman year. But then again, my roommate at the time (who was in a different chapter, actually one of the ones I had in round 2 sophomore year) faced drama and failed friendships within her sorority, so who knows. (It all worked out for her in the long run too, in her case she stayed in her chapter and she made good friends later on.)

Regarding my roommate's sorority by the way, she and my other friends in that chapter were also confused as to why I got dropped from them. In hindsight I don't know that it would've been my best fit chapter holistically (even had I been Greek) but I could see where I would've likely made friends within it and probably done okay. During recruitment they had people from exec talk with me during my second round, they seemed pretty into me and I liked them, but being dropped from them never bothered me as much as it did with the "favorite" house.

[purplemonkey380]

Originally Posted by Pinecone

Hi, purple monkey (great name!)— I am not an active member of this board but I have been lurking recently as I for some reason in my old age have been pondering the Greek system.

I was released from rush my freshman year too, then pledged my sophomore year. I still feel the sting of that rejection all these years later. I liked my sorority and still like the women I knew in it very much. But I wonder sometimes what my college life might have been like if I had not pledged. The truth is I think smart questioning people always ask those questions.

But I want to address something more fundamental in your post, too. I was involved in two recruitments as a sorority member and have many friends who have been through them as well back in the day, at every possible school. I work on a campus and see people go through rush year after year and talk to people about it. What I want you to know is that recruitment is very random. Most likely there is no meaning behind getting released, or the meaning is stupid. At some schools they only pledge women they grew up with and went to the same camp with (this sounds unbelievable when people say it, but it is true). We always ended up liking who we pledged but we would have liked others too- some of our best members received informal bids and didn’t even go through recruitment. Recruitment (sorry I keep saying rush- habit) is a big mess of craziness and it’s a wonder it works at all. Some behaviours people like at a recruitment party make for not very interesting or unique people or friends.

I could go on, but I hope this helps? There is most likely nothing to be learned about this issue for you and I am sorry you got hurt. The system is flawed. I am still pondering whether I am in favor of it, as much as I loved my sorority.

Enjoy your senior year!

Lol I've heard the summer camp thing (and similar) about my "favorite" chapter but it's by no means strict, they take many girls who haven't done things like summer camp at all (including most of my friends who are in it). At the time I rushed I didn't have close friends in that chapter (I made friends from it later on) but then again, neither did a fair number of other girls who got bids there (including the two friends I discussed in the post above this one).

Hmm, I never really thought about the reverse question - of someone pledging and wondering what their life would've been like had they not. Maybe it's because I already knew what life was like outside of the Greek system when I rushed as a sophomore (because I wasn't Greek freshman year) and I felt as if I hadn't "found my tribe" yet. If this makes any sense, I'm very glad for how my life turned out in many ways, with the friends I've made and involvement I've had, and I'm thankful they aren't merely a "what if?" that I may have wondered had I gone Greek and possibly been dissatisfied with it. But that still doesn't resolve the part of me that feels like something's missing. And it still doesn't answer the question of why I may have been cut - as far as the "maybe there's something wrong with me?" goes.

Some behaviours people like at a recruitment party make for not very interesting or unique people or friends.

Yeah as far as this goes, the two girls I mainly got matched up to talk with in "favorite" house weren't really people I clicked with. I explained about the second girl in my initial post. The first girl was in round 1 and she was very sweet but kind of quiet - she admitted it was her first time rushing someone and that she felt nervous too lol. She was also very different than a lot of the girls in the chapter, and actually it's so funny you mention the camp thing because she told me sometimes she felt left out because a lot of the girls in her chapter knew each other beforehand from doing things like summer camp together, but she never went to anything like that and couldn't really relate with most of those girls (!!!!!). I remember crying after that round so nervous that I wouldn't get in because this girl was very different from me in personality and she was awkward in rushing (VERY sweet girl but like I said, this was her first time rushing someone), so making it to round 2 with that house was a huge relief for me. But then in round 2 I ended up with the girl who thought my sense of humor was weird... lol. In both cases though they gave me girls that were pretty different from the majority of the girls in the chapter. I still wonder why... maybe they were trying to test me somehow?

I totally agree with you as far as questioning the recruitment system and its "randomness." I feel like there has to be a better way of getting to know girls and deciding who should be part of a sisterhood. They call it "rush" because it's kind of a rushed process but for now, it is what it is

[AZTheta]

I've told this story on GC before. In 7th grade I really, really, really wanted to be a cheerleader. I mean desperately. And I didn't get picked for the squad. Only the developed girls who were uber-popular got picked. At that point in time I was like 4'10" and weighed probably 85 pounds dripping wet, if that. I was NOT at all what a cheerleader was, for that time and place.

I was crushed. I remember trudging home, feeling worthless and defeated. I'm not a wallower, but it stung. Two of my Brownie/Girl Scout troop got picked. Side note: we're still friends, we've been friends since first grade, my Brownie troop - it cracks us up. Crazy, huh? But I digress. Sigh.

That rejection, in hindsight, was the best thing for me. I dealt with it at the age of 12. It prepared me to handle the coming bumps that life threw my way. There were other rejections and nothing ever felt as bad as that. When I get together with my childhood friends, and we reminisce, we all laugh about these situations. Because I learned that they all had similar rejection stories, and they were not "perfect". There was nothing wrong with me. I just didn't fit the cheerleader squad in seventh grade.

Another story: I preffed Pi Phi and Theta at my campus. And to this day I sometimes wonder "what if I had listed Pi Phi first? And had been on their first list? And I wore an arrow instead of a kite?" But like I said, I'm lousy at speculation. My very best friend in the entire world (for decades) is a Pi Phi (different college). She preffed Theta and Pi Phi, and she told me that she wonders the same thing. Oh well. honeychile, is it you or AOIIAlum that had the conversation about "the road not taken" with me? Good Lort, my brain is foggy. And I'm really wordy today, so I think I need to step away from the keyboard. In closing, I hope you'll find some comfort in the responses you get here.

One last thing: the word "rush" came about very early on in sorority history. It's kind of cute, actually. Read Bound by a Mighty Vow or search for Fran DeSimone Becque's blog or Facebook, "Focus on Fraternity History".

[TriDeltaSallie]

I think we all wonder "what if" and "should I have..." about lots of things in life. I'm over 50 now and I think about a lot of those things. You are just barely starting life so this won't be the last time something happens and you have doubts if you did the right or wrong thing. There are things from my college days that STILL give me a sick feeling in my stomach.

There is an entire litany of things from various aspects of my life I could list that I wonder about to this day. But I made the best choices I could at the time based on what I knew and discerned at that time and live with the results.

And even if I could go back and do some of those things over, I'm not sure I would. A few of those situations would completely change the trajectory of my life and I would not want to take the chance that I would miss out on the best parts of my life such as my husband and daughter.

I completely agree that rush is random in many ways. You might have just experienced the perfect storm of being matched with the wrong people at parties and membership selection not working in your favor. It happens. We could all tell lots of stories about membership selection and the reality is that women's lives do hang in the balance. It's not a perfect system and decisions are made by imperfect, tired, and stressed women.

[33girl]

You rushed as a freshman, dropped out and re-rushed as a sophomore. This probably hurt your chances.

You didn’t have rec letters for all the chapters at a very large school. This probably hurt your chances too.

As far as to why you were dropped from your favorite chapter, all I can say is sometimes you can like someone a lot, but not be OF them. Looking from the outside it might seem like they would have been a fit, but actually being a sister is far different than being a friend.

In large rushes like this, a lot of behind the scenes prep is done and the sororities are trying to match up sisters with rushees they have the most in common with, at least on paper. Probably what happened is what often happens - similarities on paper or from extracurricular activities don’t necessarily mean two people will have a lot in common in person. I very seriously doubt you were being “tested.”

As for the process being rushed and flawed - the fact of the matter is that when you have hundreds, perhaps even thousands of girls looking to join a sorority, there’s only so much you can without turning it into a process that takes months and months. The kind of rush you described is a big part of being Greek at that kind of school and you can’t separate the two. You might have done smashing at rush at a small school with a small Greek system, but that is not what was available to you.

[Pinecone]

I think that there are depths to this as well that make the whole issue "stick" more than it probably should. Part of the issue is that sororities (and fraternities) are still stuck in somewhat of a gender-based rut. I say this knowing many current sorority members are very smart and accomplished and many successful women were in a sorority once. I think the correlate to cheerleading is apt, actually. Both are based on some less shallow aspects (i.e., GPA for sororities, actual athletic ability) as well as shallow aspects that are very gendered (being feminine, being pretty in a particular way, dressing in a particular way, having just the right about of sexiness but not too much). (In fact, I was also caught in the web of wanting to be a cheerleader, which if you met me now would really make you laugh. I even "made it" one year! It had no effect on my happiness and I felt like a fraud the whole time).

So, if you are young and trying to figure out who you are and where you fit as a woman, it makes sense that something so tied in with femininity and womanhood would loom so large. There are lots of problems with traditional gender roles, though, as you know already, and feeling badly because you might not have perfectly toed the line is not where we want or need young women to be!

In addition, I think that everyone is trying to fit in somewhere and wondering if they ever will. Greek letters give the impression of a sense of belonging that everyone longs for. But the truth is it is possible to feel lonely, rejected, and out of the group in a sorority, too, as you've noted. It's not exactly a mirage I would say but it is somewhere between a mirage and that sort of deep connection you only have with rare best friends.

I hope these posts have helped? You seem like a really thoughtful young woman, with a really interesting and varied life ahead of you. Maybe you can learn something from this rush experience, but probably not-- you could always try but I would say spend a few minutes out of your life on it, tops. And definitely don't think of rush as something where people would "test" you in some specific way-- things are much less organized and methodical (and focused on any one person) than that. Honestly I wouldn't even talk to your good friend about it-- your friendship doesn't need to be based on your bad feelings about something she has (and is not even sure she wants). Don't let it loom too (or at all) large!

[NYCMS]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You rushed as a freshman, dropped out and re-rushed as a sophomore. This probably hurt your chances.

You didn’t have rec letters for all the chapters at a very large school. This probably hurt your chances too.

As far as to why you were dropped from your favorite chapter, all I can say is sometimes you can like someone a lot, but not be OF them. Looking from the outside it might seem like they would have been a fit, but actually being a sister is far different than being a friend.

In large rushes like this, a lot of behind the scenes prep is done and the sororities are trying to match up sisters with rushees they have the most in common with, at least on paper. Probably what happened is what often happens - similarities on paper or from extracurricular activities don’t necessarily mean two people will have a lot in common in person. I very seriously doubt you were being “tested.”

As for the process being rushed and flawed - the fact of the matter is that when you have hundreds, perhaps even thousands of girls looking to join a sorority, there’s only so much you can without turning it into a process that takes months and months. The kind of rush you described is a big part of being Greek at that kind of school and you can’t separate the two. You might have done smashing at rush at a small school with a small Greek system, but that is not what was available to you.

Agree. And as another poster said, don't overlook how stressful it is on the actives too and how dog-tired we all were at the end of each day which affects decision-making.

I personally believe that even if you were in the chapter room when your name came up, the actives' reasoning for releasing you might not make sense or give you the closure you seek. If anything, it could open up new questions that only lead down the proverbial rabbit hole. Chemistry is so subjective and as pointed out above, members can really like a PNM, but also know who would and wouldn't be a sister.

I also want to emphasize something else that 33girl wrote - PNM's can look like a great match to actives based on paper, but the reality can very different so I wouldn't read anything into the conversations that didn't go well. I liken this "matching" to applying for a job where, on paper, you seem like the best candidate, but then you interview and the match isn't there. Or the interviewer - or active in this case - is bone-tired and not at their best. For some actives - those who don't really enjoy rush (and there can be a few) - it takes a lot of energy to keep up great conversations, so they might not be as polished as others.

I'm sorry that things did not go your way and hope you can get closure on this to move on. Good luck with your senior year.

[*winter*]

I went through one recruitment- with a service sorority that has an open acceptance policy. I did so, because that was important to me at the time. I felt this organization aligned with my values, and I didn't want to consider any other organizations. This was 18 years ago, and I had a good experience. Fast forward 10 years, when I come to GC- everyone else (pretty much) was in an NPC sorority, and suddenly I am wondering if I missed out on something in life. There's a lot more that goes into an NPC sorority, in general- a whole recruitment process, with matching outfits, Rho Chis, lists and prefs, better formals, more rituals, more sisters- just more. Don't get me wrong- I liked my experience- but here I am- now at 30 or 31- questioning myself! The point is, it happens.

I think senior year is a big time for reflection- who were you in college- did you get the most out of the experience, are you "ready" for the real world, etc? This is normal. I wouldn't recommend getting "stuck" in this sort of thinking (not now, or in any other phase of your life, really) but some reflection is normal at transitional times in our lives.

It doesn't sound like the sorority experience was extremely positive for anyone you know and are friends with, so maybe your experience wouldn't have been that great. The point is- no one will ever know. There's nothing anyone can do about it now. At almost 39 years old, I have found it exponentially easier to go through life with the attitude that, nothing happens in this world by mistake. Things happen for a reason- the way they're supposed to happen, and it's just easier to accept this. It makes it so much easier in life when really big things happen- death of a parent, loss of a job or a home, or the end of an important relationship. Sometimes we play a role in this sort of stuff- but if we know we went in there and did the best we could (job interviews, relationships)- maybe it didn't work out for a reason, and that's okay too.

Try to enjoy your senior year.

[Pinecone]

Oh-- one more thought. I have a good friend who was released from recruitment and never joined a sorority. She ended up hanging around with one particular house a lot throughout school. It was weird to me that they never pledged her. But later she and I talked about it and a lot of the silly stuff in sorority she would have just hated-- the songs, the routines for rush, the rituals. Some degree of skepticism is warranted about that stuff but you have to have a house of women who will at the least go along with it and at the most be at least a little bit into it. She would never have-- she was and is too sophisticated and cool.

I am not saying you are like that-- I have no idea-- what I am saying is that there are reasons houses won't pledge someone that are not anything negative about them but that make sense when you are in the group and know what goes on. There is this degree of group-ism that is necessary and if someone is too independent it doesn't work. I pledged a very "cool girl" sorority and we had that problem a lot-- I myself wasn't great on those dimensions. My group made up silly/sarcastic versions of all the songs (we only sang them to ourselves, not the group). You really need a lot of women who are NOT like that to hold the group together!

[Pinecone]

Oh, one more (important!) point-- eventually my extremely "cool girl" group ended up getting punished by national-- many years after I had left-- primarily for drinking infractions. There was almost complete laissez-faire when I was in school and when things changed this group of women was not into it, I guess. I imagine we would not have been. In the end the chapter lost its prestige (which is a shame, because the group was so great) and then its chapter altogether. They have now recolonized, and maybe will get back to their former glory (it is a very strong national sorority), but are very far from it now.

I have no idea if we just got too cool to hold things together or if it is a coincidence, but suffice it to say sororities can't just pick by who they like because they need the group to stay cohesive and dedicated. (Again, this is not specific to anyone, just an example of what might go on that no one would realize).

[DGTess]

I keep seeing in your posts, purplemonkey, a desire to find your deep friendships. Those aren't exclusive to sororities. You seem to think if you'd been able to pledge, you'd have found something in a friendship that you didn't find with other friends.

I think that's doubtful.

You are who you are, and your friends are who they are. If you can't call those friends for an ice-cream sundae on a Thursday morning, or a quick trip to the beach house, why do you think sorority women would have been any different?

Sororities aren't magic. They provide a little more structure and ritual for friendships, but they don't change the nature of true friendships.