I'm thinking about dropping.

[sm1308]

I've been in my sorority for a year now. I pledged last spring and I was SO happy. It seemed like it was perfect for me. Everybody seemed genuinely interested in me. A girl I was really close with ended up being my big, and I couldn't have been happier. I was so excited to come back this year and be with my sisters.

But since then, it hasn't panned out. My big and I don't even talk anymore. She's generally disliked by everyone in our chapter, which I didn't know until this year. I also found out she wouldn't even let anyone else hang out with me when I was a new member because then I might have gotten another big. I have no desire to fix our relationship, but it's disappointing that I don't get to have a connection with my big.

And it's more than just that. I was pretty awkward in high school. I had a small group of friends, and I was usually the one who people gave shit to. I thought it would be different in my sorority, but it's not. People still laugh about how drunk I was at semi formal and they forget I've been sober at EVERY OTHER date party. A lot of my sisters come off really condescendingly to me, and I'm sick of it.

I'm not the most secure person ever because I wasn't popular at all in high school. I don't think anybody here likes me. Our sorority is one of the smallest on campus, and we've been working on getting our numbers up. But I feel like to them, I'm just another number. I only ran for a non-exec position (writing the newsletter... which would've been perfect for me since I'm a communications major) and I didn't get it. I don't think I have any real friends here. Nobody invites me to do anything with them outside of sorority events. I spend most Friday and Saturday nights in my room alone, watching Netflix.

The only good thing that's come out of my time in this sorority is my little. She's basically the only reason I haven't dropped yet. And I know she'd be upset if I dropped. But at the same time, I have had so many bad weeks where I've felt like no one likes me here. And she's had to help me through all of them. I don't want to keep dragging her down, because people in this chapter really like her. I don't want her to have to be the one who constantly needs to save me when I'm not happy here anyway.

This past weekend was the last straw. Everybody went out. Nobody invited me. I spent the last weekend before finals alone in my room. I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop. The only problem is I'm a legacy and I know my mom would throw a fit if I dropped. I also don't really have friends outside the sorority, because all my friends freshman year ended up joining this house. But I don't feel like I have friends here either, so what's the difference?

Wow. Long post. Sorry guys.

[Pingyang]

A couple of things came to mind when I read this post...

First, you say that you haven't been invited out by anyone. Have you tried inviting them to anything? Given the situation with your big, everyone may just assume that you have other friends or things going on, since you didn't interact with them before, and not think to invite you. If you were to invite them to do things with you, it might encourage them to start inviting you as well. Could you and your little invite them to something together, if you're not comfortable inviting them on your own? Also, it wasn't clear from your post if your chapter has a house--if so, have you been spending time in common areas, or just sitting in your room alone? I'm an introvert, but as a student, I found that I met more people and had a better social experience when I spent more time in common areas.

Second, I wanted to encourage you to consider counseling to help you to feel less awkward and more comfortable socially. That's the kind of thing that college and university counseling centers are there for! You can choose to leave your sorority, if you truly feel that it's a poor fit for you, but the feelings of loneliness aren't likely to go away unless you can find ways to reach out to others. Talking to a counselor on campus might help you to feel better and come up with ways to reach out to people and make new friends that have something in common with you, whether it's through your sorority, in class, or through other organizations.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[FSUZeta]

A sorority cannot transform an unpopular person into an instantly popular one, nor can it turn an introvert into an extrovert. A sorority can give someone the tools and the opportunities to change...it is up to the person to do so.

You say that you joined in the spring. Did you make friends with anyone fall semester? If so, have you kept in touch with them? Did you connect with any of your pledge sisters?

When your sisters tease you about your behavior at your semi-formal, how do you react? Do you laugh along with them and say something to the effect of "Yeah, I certainly got a little out of hand. Glad that's behind me!", or do you get all bent out of shape? I suspect that if you had a witty response that was a bit self-deprecating, that might be the end of that.

As pingyang suggests, take the initiative and try to make a few friends in the chapter. Start out with just a couple of the girls, ask then to go out for a coffee or frozen yogurt and make an effort to talk to them. Choose some girls that you think would go. Rush them, just as you would a PNM. You are going to have to put yourself out there, but it is not going to happen if you don't make the effort.

[sm1308]

To clarify, I've tried being social here. And things went south with my big and I knew no one else liked her anymore either (we stopped talking for personal issues, not because I knew no one liked her). I have worked so hard this year to make sure people don't see me as another version of her, because I don't want to be that person and I think that's how they saw me last year.

I used to hang out in our living room a lot and try to talk to the girls. However, I'm not down there all the time because I won't get homework done if I am. A few of the girls are usually really condescending to me. People claim that everyone in this house likes me, but I don't see how that's true if they're so condescending and if they don't invite me anywhere they're going. Anyway, I stopped hanging out downstairs because people give me shit all the time. I've mostly been trying to laugh it off, but then they think I'm okay with it and do it more. And I'm not okay with it. It actually really hurts.

All my friends freshman year joined this house. We all used to hang out every weekend. But now two of them are constantly going out and getting hammered (something I don't enjoy doing every weekend), one is always at the library, and one got absorbed into the group of girls that usually condescend to me. The last one is my roommate, and we were best friends last year. But I feel like we've been drifting apart. We never hang out outside of events, even though last year we hung out every weekend. Whenever I try to talk to her about my insecurities in our sorority, she doesn't say anything back. Saturday night when she came home, I tried to tell her that I felt excluded (and started to cry while doing so), and she just went to sleep.

So basically, I did try to make friends and be social and be... well, a sorority girl. But now I've never felt more alone. I don't even want to talk to PNMs during recruitment, because how am I supposed to sell them on something I'm thinking about leaving?

[adpiucf]

If you don't like the members and you've attempted to make a go of it-- which it sounds like you have done by getting involved by running for office, taking a little, and trying to be social and upbeat-- then drop out.

Talk to your mom and quit. Mom may be sad, but it's your life and any daughters you may hypothetically have someday will be legacies through grandma.

Your little may be sad, but trust me, she will get over it. If you both make an effort, you will continue to be friends. If you don't, you won't.

Agree with other posters that a sorority can't make you popular or extroverted. It simply gives you an opportunity to develop leadership and people skills, as would any other campus organization you might join.

You get out what you put in, but if you're really that miserable, get out.

[33girl]

Your big sounds like the Kris Jenner of sorority - i.e. she thought having a popular little would make her popular. Although I can't figure out whether you guys stopped talking BEFORE or AFTER you found out everyone dislikes her. If you dropped what it sounds like was a close friendship just because you found out how everyone felt about her, no one is going to feel kindly toward you, even if they don't like her. Sorry if I'm accusing you of things that aren't what is happening, but again it's hard to tell from your post.

I have been out of school for a looooong time and you know what? Some people STILL crack on me for the stupid things I did when I was drunk. That's life. I crack right back on them. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. Everyone relates differently and it sounds like you aren't used to people with sarcastic senses of humor. I had a sister go off on me one time because I was supposedly getting on her case. I was doing nothing of the kind. She just took what I said the wrong way. I told her I was sorry and we got past it.

Oh, and if you get upset every time someone mentions an alcohol-related incident, it kind of follows that they're not going to invite you along to a party or anything where alcohol is involved.

Everyone is sick to death of everyone else this time of the year. It's a bad time to make an irrevocable decision. Try staying in touch with people via facebook or whatever over the summer, come back to work week (if you have one) and if you're still unhappy then drop out.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Your big sounds like the Kris Jenner of sorority - i.e. she thought having a popular little would make her popular. Although I can't figure out whether you guys stopped talking BEFORE or AFTER you found out everyone dislikes her. If you dropped what it sounds like was a close friendship just because you found out how everyone felt about her, no one is going to feel kindly toward you, even if they don't like her. Sorry if I'm accusing you of things that aren't what is happening, but again it's hard to tell from your post.

I have been out of school for a looooong time and you know what? Some people STILL crack on me for the stupid things I did when I was drunk. That's life. I crack right back on them. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. Everyone relates differently and it sounds like you aren't used to people with sarcastic senses of humor. I had a sister go off on me one time because I was supposedly getting on her case. I was doing nothing of the kind. She just took what I said the wrong way. I told her I was sorry and we got past it.

Oh, and if you get upset every time someone mentions an alcohol-related incident, it kind of follows that they're not going to invite you along to a party or anything where alcohol is involved.

Everyone is sick to death of everyone else this time of the year. It's a bad time to make an irrevocable decision. Try staying in touch with people via facebook or whatever over the summer, come back to work week (if you have one) and if you're still unhappy then drop out.

Very good advice. I'd also add that you sound very sensitive about being unpopular in high school. Let it go. If you are looking constantly for a slight or expecting someone to make fun of you, you will be too busy shying away from expected insults to actually have any fun.

[sm1308]

First of all, like I said before, my big and I stopped being friends because of personal issues I had with her, not because no one else liked her. I started seeing her for what she really was: someone who thought she could control what I did, who talked about others behind their backs and then acted fake to their faces, and who was in general incredibly socially uncouth. As in, she brought up her drinking escapades and her ex boyfriends in front of my parents. So that's why we're not close and why I don't really care.

I don't really care about high school anymore. I haven't been in high school for 2 years, so it's whatever. However, I was always the one who people gave shit to in high school. And I thought being in a sorority would be different. But it's not. People still give me shit for things I do but ignore equally stupid things that other people do. I feel like they don't respect me enough to stop bringing up issues that I said I didn't want to talk about. And I'm sick of spending every weekend alone. And this is when I'm living in house. Next year, I have an apartment. If I spend every weekend alone right now, NO ONE is going to ask me to hang out next year, and I'm terrified. I don't like being alone all the time. I'm someone who likes to have a group of friends around her. And right now, I feel more lonely than I ever have.

[winnie_tuck]

Please just talk to someone. I can say at least you have a little or attend chapter events but that doesn't make the pain less, especially when you feel like an outsider inside the group. There are mean things people said when I was a potential member that I never forgot. Those girls graduated or whatever and don't think of me! I keep myself depressed focusing on past failures. Life isn't pretty and if you aren't liked you can't blame the person or yourself. This isn't a speech about embracing how you're dorky or weird. That sure won't make it better or change the past. I can say I learned a few things to better myself from mistakes and to strive for being liked for me, but the crucial message is to get out the feelings! Tell the people how you feel or it will always haunt you. I felt like I did something wrong and was a loser until I finally had the courage to speak up to my tormentor. I wasn't ready for a "fuck you" or even a "sorry" from the person so I blocked them on FB. It was just about getting out how I felt. I told the person it wasn't anyone's fault I was _____ but just that I needed the person to know how it made me feel. I don't wanna be accepted because I was stupid that night and it's who I am, just wanted that person to know they hurt me and I was hurt for awhile. What I mean is not everyone will like you and you can't say that people should be accepted for their quirks, that's not real life it's a happy ending in a movie. What you should know is that saying how you feel kinda solves it. The outcome will never change but you can lift that mental burden off your shoulders.

[MaryPoppins]

Sophomore year is also when new members figure out that the classes above them do not poop rainbows except during recruitment. Exams are hell and its seems like everyone in PMSing, but its also the time when even extroverts become introverted. I used to react negatively to folks who kidded me, I used to be naive and a bit goofy, but I changed how I reacted and accepted others because that's the only change I can be sure of. You are about to become a grand big. You, you little, and little junior can be your own posse. If you do it right others will ask to join you. Try to have some classes with other members. Study buddies can make fast friends. Be cheerful but not manic, steady but not frozen. Work week will be a bonding experience. Participate on committees with heart and others will reach out to you.

[AZTheta]

This is the UGLY time of year for everyone on semester system (it comes a little later on quarter system and for some reason it isn't quite so awful, but it still happens). You guys are sick of each other, and exhausted.

In every chapter you will find mean girls, all kinds of cliques, and "it" girls - the ones that don't quite fit in, for whatever reason. You might be an "it" girl; I've seen those girls, every year. If you can hang on and work through it, know this: you'll learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible, and you'll learn how to get along with anyone and everyone. Tolerance and patience, plus knowing how not to treat people, are also skills that you'll develop. Incredible training and preparation for Life. You will get comfortable in your own skin. You'll find your own North star. Life doesn't begin and end during college, and the mean girls will get theirs. Oh yeah. I've seen it. Trust me on this.

Here's a truth that people don't usually say out loud: not everyone in that chapter (or in your organization) is your sister. You'll not be close to everyone, and not everyone will live the values or uphold the principles in a way that would make your post unnecessary. Statistically, in any chapter you're going to run the gamut of personalities and associated problems. No one gets along with everyone. NO ONE. I've gotten thrown under the bus a time or two by my own "sisters." It's human nature. I've just gotten really good at rolling fast under that bus, and picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on!

If you walk away, you're missing out on thousands of sisters (not just in your own GLO, but Panhellenically as well). You're missing out on a lifetime of connections and experiences. The best years of your membership are ahead of you. I'm still in touch with my pledge class sisters (and that was many trips around the sun ago). I have awesome NPC sisters who are not Thetas but are just as dear and close to me as possible, as well as incredible relationships with my own Theta sisters all around the world. I've gotten so much from advising, being active in the Tucson Alumnae Panhellenic chapter, and from my own Theta alumnae chapter. I've gotten way more out of this deal than I ever got during my college years.

Take the focus off everyone else. Put it on yourself. Read your creed/symphony/values - what have you. Dive into the history of your chapter. Get involved with the philanthropy and the alumnae chapter. Find out how you can make a difference. Give it your best. And if you still feel the way you feel, then resign.

[MaryPoppins]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

This is the UGLY time of year for everyone on semester system (it comes a little later on quarter system and for some reason it isn't quite so awful, but it still happens). You guys are sick of each other, and exhausted.

In every chapter you will find mean girls, all kinds of cliques, and "it" girls - the ones that don't quite fit in, for whatever reason. You might be an "it" girl; I've seen those girls, every year. If you can hang on and work through it, know this: you'll learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible, and you'll learn how to get along with anyone and everyone. Tolerance and patience, plus knowing how not to treat people, are also skills that you'll develop. Incredible training and preparation for Life. You will get comfortable in your own skin. You'll find your own North star. Life doesn't begin and end during college, and the mean girls will get theirs. Oh yeah. I've seen it. Trust me on this.

Here's a truth that people don't usually say out loud: not everyone in that chapter (or in your organization) is your sister. You'll not be close to everyone, and not everyone will live the values or uphold the principles in a way that would make your post unnecessary. Statistically, in any chapter you're going to run the gamut of personalities and associated problems. No one gets along with everyone. NO ONE. I've gotten thrown under the bus a time or two by my own "sisters." It's human nature. I've just gotten really good at rolling fast under that bus, and picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on!

If you walk away, you're missing out on thousands of sisters (not just in your own GLO, but Panhellenically as well). You're missing out on a lifetime of connections and experiences. The best years of your membership are ahead of you. I'm still in touch with my pledge class sisters (and that was many trips around the sun ago). I have awesome NPC sisters who are not Thetas but are just as dear and close to me as possible, as well as incredible relationships with my own Theta sisters all around the world. I've gotten so much from advising, being active in the Tucson Alumnae Panhellenic chapter, and from my own Theta alumnae chapter. I've gotten way more out of this deal than I ever got during my college years.

Take the focus off everyone else. Put it on yourself. Read your creed/symphony/values - what have you. Dive into the history of your chapter. Get involved with the philanthropy and the alumnae chapter. Find out how you can make a difference. Give it your best. And if you still feel the way you feel, then resign.

AZTheta, you always hit the nail on the head. I am proud you are my Sister, even though we are from different Chapters and different generations. TLAM - M.P.

[TriDeltaSallie]

Originally Posted by sm1308

I started seeing her for what she really was: someone who thought she could control what I did, who talked about others behind their backs and then acted fake to their faces,

Do you think she has sabotaged you behind your back?