Some thoughts about "I didn't feel a connection" and the stronger recruiting chapters

[KSUViolet06]

There is something I don't think PNMs understand about "I didn't feel a connection" and I'm going to try to articulate it and have it make sense (from the perspective of someone who has worked with stronger chapters)

Most of the time, when a PNM says "I didn't feel a connection and I'm going to drop out to see if I can get a chapter I felt more connected with" it usually means that they are interested in a top recruiting chapter who dropped them rather early (like, before Pref) and want to go through again to see if they'll get one of them.

But here's the thing they do not get about connecting with the top chapters on a campus.

If you surveyed 100 PNMs at say, Texas 99 of them will tell you they felt connected with (example) Pi Phi, Chi O, etc. (not in a "not naming" mood this evening and really, if you google, you will know who is considered strong at any campus in 5 minutes.)

There's a reason they'll all say that.

Look at any strong recruiting chapter in your sorority. All of them have one thing in common. Ex: In Pi Phi it is probably Texas but every NPC has those rock star top tier chapters with recruitment. For Sigma it's Elon, Central MO, Truman State.

They are GOOD at recruitment week. They are excellent at conversation, they're highly involved on campus, they're polished.

It is their JOB to make you feel connected to them. They rush you well. So you are going to leave there feeling like you can see yourself there. Even if they have really had 70% of their invite list determined since May.

not saying they're fake because well, they are not. They are good hostesses and just good at every little detail and conversation that comes with recruitment and they put a lot of time into it.

So when they drop you, it stings and you pine away for them and think you're missing your destiny and that you are obviously meant to be a ______.

Meanwhile you are discounting and missing out on other perfectly good chapters who are legit connecting with you but maybe are not as polished as XYZ. Or maybe are giving you weird pairings when you met them at their houses so the experience is a little, well, off.

Not to take anything away from these strong groups but they have 99% returns and are ranked first on 99% of MRABAs for a reason. PNMs do not realize that these chapters are good at getting everyone to buy into their sales pitch, identify with them, and want to be a XYZ. That is what good rushers do. So what you think is connection is them being excellent recruiters (which they should be), regardless of whether they have room for you.

My point in all of this is not to discourage people or make them think that the sorority they like, love love love secretly hates them, just keep in mind that a certain percentage of chapters excel at making girls want them, and they simply do not have room for everyone so when they drop you, it is nothing personal. That, and what you may be seeing as "omg they really want to be my best friend" is really just going out of their way to make every PNM feel welcome and does not always = an invite to pref or a bid.

Thoughts and flames welcome.

[Titchou]

Amen and amen!

[ASTalumna06]

Yes and yes. Some people in general have this gift. My stepbrother is one of them. He's a good looking guy, and he has a way of talking to anyone in a room and not having a problem with it. If Leonardo DiCaprio walked in, he'd be the one person to casually walk over to him and be his best friend within five minutes. At the same time, he's also the guy who would walk up to a homely looking girl at the bar and make her feel like a million bucks.

No surprise here, but he now works in sales.

When it comes to recruitment, these women are just good at what they do. They've got it together. Everyone thinks they're amazing, but clearly not every PNM can be part of their chapter. And many times, they're not "supposed to be" part of that chapter; they only think they are. And unfortunately, some PNMs can't open their hearts and minds to any other group; groups that they would be perfectly happy joining, that have amazing members who aren't the epitome of perfection during the insanity of recruitment.

[QueenD]

Thanks so much for this post. I have counseled a few girls going through recruitment this fall about this. One context I tell them to really think about is the "show" of recruitment versus what's real. My BFFs daughter went through and was very enamored with an extremely strong recruiting chapter the first day and still liked them a lot the second day. Thing is, said chapter didn't align with her values and most of what she liked about them was surface, whereas most of what she liked about the chapter she eventually joined (who did not put on a good show on day 1) was deeper and more in line with what she wanted long term. Thank goodness she had smart people to get her through that, because by the time Strong House cut her before pref, she didn't even care and really liked the house she eventually joined. She is happy as a clam now!

[KSUViolet06]

I am glad you understand what I'm saying.

I was worried that people would think I was calling strong chapters "fake."

Having worked with a few of our stronger groups in my volunteer role, they are not.

They just tend to understand the importance of building strong recruiters, making sure your strongest recruiters are the face of the organization and pairing people off well.

[33girl]

I am also going to venture an opinion that they are good at either pulling a conversation out of the flames or dragging someone in who can do so without freaking out.

[LuvMyPNM]

Makes me wonder how some GLOs can be so strong in certain areas of the country or schools and weaker elsewhere, primarily in terms of their return rate. Do national organizations look at this and try to help? Perhaps some workshops on the skills it takes to run a successful campaign? I think of it like sales training -- helps the team get stronger, improve those return and retention rates?

[carnation]

It's because of what a "big deal" a group is in that area of the country. Put bluntly, the girls with stronger people skills tend to join certain groups in certain areas of the country.

[Griffins&Quills]

Originally Posted by carnation

It's because of what a "big deal" a group is in that area of the country. Put bluntly, the girls with stronger people skills tend to join certain groups in certain areas of the country.

I agree. I remember going through recruitment, as a second year. There was 1 house, XYZ, that I knew probably wasn't going to be a good fit for me, but they were great rushers. So I left Day 1 feeling like I did want to be an XYZ, and getting cut hurt, even though I knew it wasn't the house for me.

But yes, especially in the South, certain groups have dominance. It may vary by region but, everyone knows their name and those are the houses that the top rushees target.

However, it's unfortunate that "I didn't feel a connection" is often an excuse for being a snob and a PNM thinking that she's above that house, and then proceeding to trash them because they're "bottom tier", as we've seen in a couple of threads here. So then, when a girl comes says that, and worse names names, and people give her sympathy and tell her to try again, meh.

[NYCMS]

Originally Posted by Griffins&Quills

However, it's unfortunate that "I didn't feel a connection" is often an excuse for being a snob and a PNM thinking that she's above that house, and then proceeding to trash them because they're "bottom tier", as we've seen in a couple of threads here. So then, when a girl comes says that, and worse names names, and people give her sympathy and tell her to try again, meh.

Agree. And based on things I read here and see with girls going through rush, I think there is also something else afoot, at least for some PNM's: that they believe that they're SUPPOSED to have an instant connection and when they don't, they go into a tailspin. Especially if they know girls who do have that.

It's kinda like dating - sometimes we fall in love with a person over time, other people know pretty soon.

I don't recall this being as big an issue when I was in school, so I wonder if some of this is connected to living in a more instant gratification society. Maybe not, but given how fast people can get things these days (online shopping, dating - heck you don't even have to wait a week for a new TV episode, you can get it all at once online), I think that can influence one's mindset, especially when you're younger and have limited life experience. And there are girls for whom things have come easily so if this is the first time they've not gotten what they want, that can be a shocker.

[carnation]

This is a great read for PNMs! Especially the part about social media.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by LuvMyPNM

Makes me wonder how some GLOs can be so strong in certain areas of the country or schools and weaker elsewhere, primarily in terms of their return rate. Do national organizations look at this and try to help? Perhaps some workshops on the skills it takes to run a successful campaign? I think of it like sales training -- helps the team get stronger, improve those return and retention rates?

Short answer: Yes. That was my volunteer role for six years.

[gatordeltapgh]

As I continue my alumnae journey and maybe because I'm getting older (eeekk), it has become a bit more heartbreaking to see that sometimes the young women who need the sorority experience the most are the ones that sometimes get left behind.

When I think of the collective power our NPC groups (and the other councils too) have to transform the lives of young women I am in awe.

I have advised that young woman who was shy and watched her find confidence in herself and her abilities. I've also advised that top of the class go getter and watched her accelerate the pace at which she achieved her goals.

In reality, while we all want to have strong successful chapters (however we define success), those other chapters might be exemplifying the values of our founders a bit more deeply by providing a meaningful and potentially transformative experience to those needing it most.

There is room for everyone if we could break free of the need to all be the best at all times. Hard concept for many 18-22 year olds, hard concept for many adults.

For me if you have a chapter of debutantes - rock on! If you have a chapter of future computer programmers - excellent! If you have a chapter with both - magical!

At the end of the day when we live our values and mission, we the sorority women of the world are transforming lives and promoting the best of the sorority experience together!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by gatordeltapgh

As I continue my alumnae journey and maybe because I'm getting older (eeekk), it has become a bit more heartbreaking to see that sometimes the young women who need the sorority experience the most are the ones that sometimes get left behind.

When I think of the collective power our NPC groups (and the other councils too) have to transform the lives of young women I am in awe.

I have advised that young woman who was shy and watched her find confidence in herself and her abilities. I've also advised that top of the class go getter and watched her accelerate the pace at which she achieved her goals.

In reality, while we all want to have strong successful chapters (however we define success), those other chapters might be exemplifying the values of our founders a bit more deeply by providing a meaningful and potentially transformative experience to those needing it most.

There is room for everyone if we could break free of the need to all be the best at all times. Hard concept for many 18-22 year olds, hard concept for many adults.

For me if you have a chapter of debutantes - rock on! If you have a chapter of future computer programmers - excellent! If you have a chapter with both - magical!

At the end of the day when we live our values and mission, we the sorority women of the world are transforming lives and promoting the best of the sorority experience together!

I’m going to make this about me for a minute. :-D

I was one of those shy, sheltered girls. Too many people in my HS didn’t realize I had grown and changed since 7th grade. Or maybe I was just a flavor they didn’t care for. At any rate, you could count the number of dates I’d been on and parties I attended on one hand.

When I got to college it was a wonderful new start. There was a great mix of girls on my dorm floor and I felt liked and accepted without trying too hard or pretending I was someone I was not. That year before I pledged a sorority helped me to grow and be confident about my choices.

However - if I had been thrown into sorority rush at our school before even having a class or meeting people, I’m sure all I would have cared about is “which sorority will make me popular?” whether it was a fit for me or not. And if I had been rejected from that chapter, it would have just been further confirmation to me that I was a geek who was never going to have a social life - even if I had met other chapters who had liked me as I was.

It’s easy to look from our vantage point and tell girls to give a chapter a chance. It’s harder if you jump back into your own 17-18 year old self.

[1964Alum]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I’m going to make this about me for a minute. :-D

I was one of those shy, sheltered girls. Too many people in my HS didn’t realize I had grown and changed since 7th grade. Or maybe I was just a flavor they didn’t care for. At any rate, you could count the number of dates I’d been on and parties I attended on one hand.

When I got to college it was a wonderful new start. There was a great mix of girls on my dorm floor and I felt liked and accepted without trying too hard or pretending I was someone I was not. That year before I pledged a sorority helped me to grow and be confident about my choices.

However - if I had been thrown into sorority rush at our school before even having a class or meeting people, I’m sure all I would have cared about is “which sorority will make me popular?” whether it was a fit for me or not. And if I had been rejected from that chapter, it would have just been further confirmation to me that I was a geek who was never going to have a social life - even if I had met other chapters who had liked me as I was.

It’s easy to look from our vantage point and tell girls to give a chapter a chance. It’s harder if you jump back into your own 17-18 year old self.

Mine was/is a strong recruiting chapter, as was my other pref. But here's the thing. No mater whether you get your first choice or your initial last, it takes a lot of time and working with your sisters before you establish the strong bonds we all are looking for. My strongest bonds didn't come until we were all living in the house together, and even then, the ones I became closest to were not sisters I would have initially predicted would be my best friends. Our rush was deferred for a year, which gave us PNMs as well as the sororities more time to look each other over. So a lot of the sorting went on beforehand, and we had a better idea of the "personalities" of the individual chapters before the first open house. Even so, the dynamics of each house changes at least somewhat over time, so there is more fluidity within each group which one initially might imagine. The "feeling it" IMO doesn't come in a genuine way until much later and also depends on the extent that each member is wiling to put the work into it.