Too Much Baggage?!

delph998 · #1 10-14-2003, 01:26 PM

Okay ladies, help me out! There is this guy that has been trying to get with me for TWO YEARS! We talk on the phone and that's it. He goes to my church (that my father pastors), so I don't want to get involved with someone and then the relationship shatters. But here's the situation. He's 31 years old (I'm 23, but age isn't the problem), and he's been married twice! He has two children by two different women; one his wife and the other when he was 16 years old. The first wife was when he was straight out of high school. She was much older than him and they were married for six years. The marriage didn't work out (according to him) because she started making more money than him and started trying run the house. She doesn't live in MN. His second wife left him after three months, if that and moved to Chicago. So I don't know if we should call that one a marriage or not. Here are the qualities: we have wonderful conversations, he's nice looking, God-fearing, positive, etc. I think that he regrets what's happened in the past, but has definitely regeared his life do what's right.

Like I said, he's been pursuing me for the past two years, and at first, I wasn't even trying to hear him. But now, I've seen the change in him and I feel like maybe he would be a nice person to kick it with.

DOES HE HAVE TOO MUCH BAGGAGE? SHOULD I NOT CONSIDER DATING HIM? HELP ME!!!

Help your SAWRAH out!

Honeykiss1974 · #2 10-14-2003, 01:35 PM

My first question would be to ask HOW is he managing his "baggage"? Does he have a relationship with his children and a cordial relationship with the mothers? What are the dynamics of the relationship (i.e. always fighting with baby mommas, bad mouths the mothers in front of the kids,etc.)?

I need some more info before I can give my 2 cents.

delph998 · #3 10-14-2003, 01:37 PM

Hey Honeykiss! Thanks for responding. Actually, he has a great relationship with his children and baby mothers (I thought I would never have to say that about a potential boyfriend). If we're talking on the phone and his daughters call, he will get off the phone with me and talk to them. He sends them things all of the time, they come up and visit him. I mean the relationship is grand with his children. Help a sista out!

MEN, please feel free to respond too.

CrimsonTide4 · #4 10-14-2003, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
My first question would be to ask HOW is he managing his "baggage"? Does he have a relationship with his children and a cordial relationship with the mothers? What are the dynamics of the relationship (i.e. always fighting with baby mommas, bad mouths the mothers in front of the kids,etc.)?

I need some more info before I can give my 2 cents.

Yeah what she said.

Remember we all have baggage. Never limit what God is trying to do in your life. If nothing else, you 2 will have a stronger friendship.

delph998 · #5 10-14-2003, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Yeah what she said.

Remember we all have baggage. Never limit what God is trying to do in your life. If nothing else, you 2 will have a stronger friendship.

So are you saying that I should give him a try? I'm so scared about getting hurt/him getting hurt. I just want things to be right.

CrimsonTide4 · #6 10-14-2003, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by delph998
So are you saying that I should give him a try? I'm so scared about getting hurt/him getting hurt. I just want things to be right.

Yes for those that know me, they know that I always said I would never ever date a man with a child/kids. Well my boyfriend whom I love like I have never loved anyone before has a daughter.

Take things slow. It sounds like he is turning his life around. Oh and the way to know how a man will treat you IMO is how he treats his kids.

Give it to God. But don't try to block this LESSON/BLESSING that God has for both of you.

I have come to learn that all of my former friendships and relationships were LESSONS to prepare me for my life mate. Had it not been for the BULL, I would not be able to accept the BEAUTIFUL in my life right now.

delph998 · #7 10-14-2003, 01:49 PM

Thanks CT4! That was very inspiring and true. I appreciate it. I had planned on going out on a date with him, so I'll have to keep you all posted on it.

Honeykiss1974 · #8 10-14-2003, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by delph998
Hey Honeykiss! Thanks for responding. Actually, he has a great relationship with his children and baby mothers (I thought I would never have to say that about a potential boyfriend). If we're talking on the phone and his daughters call, he will get off the phone with me and talk to them. He sends them things all of the time, they come up and visit him. I mean the relationship is grand with his children. Help a sista out!

MEN, please feel free to respond too.

Ok, that helps.

Well, here is my 2 cents (and some change)...

I am going to assume that this man have been "living and doing right" for a long while and not just for a month or two.

So with that said, ask yourself could you see yourself married to this man!

Hold up, I'm not crazy *lol* or moving to fast, but hear me out.....

If you do decide to pursue this relationship and things get REALLY serious, will you be willing to accept his past and all that comes along with it? I friend of mine dated a man in a similiar situation. Although she wasn't to comfortable with his past(he has a child and an ex-wife), she figured that as time went by she would feel better about it. But she never did. So she wasted 3 years of her life and this man's life.

Also, i know you are afraid of getting hurt, but I am quite sure he is too! (Imagine having two failed marriages under your belt and your only 31

Talk about shots to the ol' self esteem there).

So if you are ok, with it, my advice would be to al least go on one date with him and see what happens.

1savvydiva · #9 10-14-2003, 01:50 PM

Carla gave great advice!

CrimsonTide4 · #10 10-14-2003, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
So with that said, ask yourself could you see yourself married to this man! Hold up, I'm not crazy *lol* or moving to fast, but hear me out.....

You have to do that.

I also had to ask myself when major life events come like the deaths of friends and family members come, would this man be the one to hold my hand and pray me through my distress. Thankfully, I can answer yes with my current beau.

I had to ask is this the man I want to raise children with and love FOREVER. Could he handle it when the cramps kick in? Would I be able to handle arthritis? All of that.

But we jumped the gun, Delph wants to date or no -- I say go for it.

TonyB06 · #11 10-14-2003, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by delph998
So are you saying that I should give him a try? I'm so scared about getting hurt/him getting hurt. I just want things to be right.

D998,
Time is probably your best ally in this. Time shows us our partners in a variety of lights. As you date him you'll see his personality under certain "stressors." How is he when he's angry (temper)? How is he when "baby mama drama" arrives (responsibility)? How would he be with you if you made more $$ than him (our unexplainable manly machismo thing)? Maybe his actions in these circumstances will allay some of your questions/concerns. He can certainly tell you now how he'd react, but over time you'd see it for yourself.

Date him if you feel so moved. Just don't ignore what he shows you as you get to know each other.

peace.

CrimsonTide4 · #12 10-14-2003, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by 1savvydiva
Carla gave great advice!

**bowing** Thanks ma'am. You still cannot sing at the wedding.

CrimsonTide4 · #13 10-14-2003, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TonyB06
D998,
Time is probably your best ally in this. Time shows us our partners in a variety of lights. As you date him you'll see his personality under certain "stressors." How is he when he's angry (temper)? How is he when "baby mama drama" arrives (responsibility)? How would he be with you if you made more $$ than him (our unexplainable manly machismo thing)? Maybe his actions in these circumstances will allay some of your questions/concerns. He can certainly tell you now how he'd react, but over time you'd see it for yourself.

Date him if you feel so moved. Just don't ignore what he shows you as you get to know each other.

peace.

[hijack]

TONY QUOTED!!!! YAAAY!! LOL

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But I agree with what he said as well. Good to have a male POV.

delph998 · #14 10-14-2003, 02:05 PM

Thanks Tony for the male point of view. You're right. I want to go out with him. I mean, he's asked me why I haven't ever given him a chance to see what it could be like, so I think I'm at that point. We'll see and you're right, experiencing all of that stuff with him will be the true test of if I we can be together or not.

Thanks y'all!

CT4, Can I sing at your wedding though?! I gotta voice that you ain't even ready for!! Let me stop!

TonyB06 · #15 10-14-2003, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
[hijack]

TONY QUOTED!!!! YAAAY!! LOL

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I couldn't have made it without CT4 and Gina who took a little Alpha boy by the hand and showed him how to quote and smiley face...and now I'm a GC Man!!!

thank yall so much