I thought I would post before I started my list of Saturday morning errands.
I woke up super early the morning of Preference.....I WAS SOOO EXCITED! I went to get breakfast and then I called my sister. What I said to her still resonates with the remainder of the day.
"Stephanie, things are going too easy for me. Things are never this easy for me." I said. She reassured me that everything was going to be fine. I was going to wear the beautiful dress I had planned on and she also pointed out that it was very unlikely that both groups dropped me over night. She stressed that I had most likely been invited back to at least one group. I try to hear what she is saying.....she has been through formal recruitment and loves her organization AND she was only invited to pref at the house where she found her home. But, I can't stop thinking it. THINGS ARE NEVER THIS EASY FOR ME. I rarely get what I want the first time around. But, I had faith. I had an excellent GPA, I was super friendly, and begun to become a leader on my campus. And anyway, the greek advisor said we were gaurenteed an org.
Looking back, I think I knew. I had that feeling in my stomach.
I sat down in front of my computer at around 12:30p. I was trying to keep myself busy....I had about 6 hours until it all began. Around 12:45 my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize...my stomach sank. But, I picked it up and happily said hello. One the other said, "Hi AlwaysSAI, this is Jess, how are you today?" I told her I was fabulous
I still remember saying that exact word. She replies with, "Well, I have some bad news...
Oh, God, here it comes....the one thing I dreaded. you have not been invited back by any sororities tonight. I said okay, trying to fake my usual happiness
which is so upbeat there is no way it can be fabricated. She points out that there are other sororities on campus, Theta Nu Xi is the only one she named. I wanted to scream at her "IF I WANTED TO JOIN TNX, DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE PAID $25 FOR A NPC SORORITY, WHEN I COULD HAVE ATTENDED TNX'S EVENTS FOR FREE???!!!" I didn't, I remained poised.
WoW, writing this is bringing tears to my eyes. She asks me if I need to talk. I politely tell her no, my voice is starting to shake now. Thinking, "WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO GOT INTO A SORORITY, SOMEONE WHO FOUND HER HOME, SOMEONE WHO WASN'T THE EPITOME OF REJECTION!!!!" Of course, I didn't say it, I remained poised.
I hung up the phone and broke down. My worst fear had actually come true. I immediately called my sister, crying so hard I could barely breathe. She knows what it means and she is as stunned as I was. She can't believe I wasn't invited back to either org. She urges me to call my Pi Chis, I refuse. "I'M NOT GOING TO GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO GOT INTO A SORORITY. I ALREADY LOOK LIKE A HUGE LOSER AND CRYING TO HER ABOUT IT IS JUST GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE. WHAT CAN A PI CHI DO FOR ME?? SHE CAN'T MAKE EITHER ORG INVITE ME BACK!!!" She continues to urge me to call one of them and I refuse. I'm NOT going to do it. And, anyway, what does she know about it, SHE GOT IN! I give up trying to talk to my sister. At this point, I am disgusted with the campus, I have to get off, I have to go home, I have to go somewhere other than here. It was at that point that I began contemplating tranferring from the school I loved. I called my very best friend in the whole entire world who had seen me through hell my freshman year. She picks me up, realizing that I am too upset to drive. We went back to her apartment and ate a lot of Ben & Jerry's and watched movies.
She took me home later that night. I didn't want to talk to anyone else. I had been so excited about joining for so many months, I was too ashamed to call anyone. The rest of the night is a blur, honestly, I don't remember it.
I woke up on bid day, crushed, once again. I slept half the day away and when I woke up, the bid day festivities had began. I laid in my bed and watched out the window as all those other women achieved my dream. All those women with balloons and t-shirts-I could hear all the chants and screams of joy. I followed the noise into the bathroom and continued to watch the festivities from the bathroom window. I imagined myself there. Of course, it wasn't any condolence, when I opened my eyes I was in the bathroom, still in my pajamas.
I spent, I don't even know how much time, agonizing over what I did wrong. I was more prepared than half of those freshman. I knew what kind of time commitment a sorority involved. I wanted to spend my Saturday mornings doing workshops and evenings having study hours. I knew all the hours that went into preparing for recruitment. I was prepared to spend every weekend with my sisters doing philanthropy activities, retreats, everything. I spent hours agonizing over how an uniformed freshman without an established GPA and no other campus activities would make a better candidate than me.
My NPC search doesn't end there. Anyone want to hear what happened over the next couple of weeks.
