Some of my favorites:
Suzanne (from the episode where she finds out that one of her old pals on the pageant circuit is a lesbian and "coming out" didn't mean she was a debutante): Well, EXCUSE ME for not bein' up on homaseckshul history and the latest lesbian lingo! I thought Sappho was a detergent!
Charlene (during the Miss Georgia U.S. pageant mess): Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peelin' rubber ... well, we thought you were
upset.
Bernice (from the same episode, having just discovered the now morbidly obese Donna Jo Karns): Look what I found in the ladies' room!
Charlene: Bernice, put her back!
Bernice (in the judge's chambers at her competency hearing): Well, I just can't believe it. That's
twice he's been in here, and she's raving about some girl's breasts, and you're on the table juggling imaginary underwear. Now, I'm telling you people for the last time—you have GOT to get it together!
Bernice (who has tricked the gang into appearing on
Senior Roundup, her public-access cable show): Charlene, now let's just cut through the decorating scam—how many treats do you turn a week?
Julia (offering Bernice a cookie while trying not to seem aghast at her Miss Piggy nose job): How about another nose?
