[pnm201]

Hi! I'm in a sticky situation, and I'm really not sure what to do. I rushed last fall at a large university with huge Greek membership (not the SEC). Myself and several other girls (a few I was friends with) were messaged by a chapter on a weekday in between rounds. They asked us if we wanted to go to a party with them, and assured us that we wouldn't get into any trouble. I declined. I knew it was against Panhellenic rules and I didn't want to be kicked out of recruitment and I didn't want to the chapter in question to get in trouble. They messaged us individually, so I didn't know my friend received the same message until the next day (she also declined). That was a Wednesday, and the next day of recruitment was on a Saturday. I was excited because I had such a positive experience the past two rounds the weekend before. I was getting closer to finding my home. When I got my schedule back that day I was shocked. I had been cut by almost every chapter on campus. So did my friend who was messaged by the chapter, and she said so was a few girls she knew who were also messaged.

I expected to face disappointment during rush. I knew I would be cut from houses that I loved. I knew that it was a part of the process. However, I didn't expect it on this scale. All of the girls who were messaged by this chapter in particular were all cut from the majority of houses, but interestingly enough we all had the exact same schedule of houses, including the house that messaged us. Maybe we were all just "not the right fit" but something tells me that this was more than just a coincidence. Interestingly enough, we were all cut from a house that in the end did not have enough girls accept bids and were cut by nationals. This house who was so desperate for PNM's cut us. The entire situation was immensely hurtful and surprising. We all still had some houses, so we continued with our best foot forward and good attitudes, giving a chance to all the sororities we still had left. In the end, I accepted a bid from the house who dirty rushed me earlier. I liked them before they messaged me, and I didn't mind accepting a bid from them. They were a respected house that a lot of girls wanted so I figured I should have felt honored I made it.

After spending a few months with the sorority, I ended up dropping before initiation. I didn't fit into the house at all. I went to every event and reached out to a lot of girls, but I never felt a connection with anyone. I didn't even have 1 friend in my pledge class. I am an extremely outgoing and sociable person, so I questioned why I couldn't connect with anyone. I wasn't close to my Mom. I disagreed with their morals and actions. I was embarrassed to wear their letters. I felt awkward telling people what house I was in. Aren't you supposed to be proud of your sorority? I had a lot of anxiety on bid night, and left the house crying. I didn't have a reason why - I put them down 1st and I didn't have a problem with them it was a fun night. But for some reason I just felt a lot of dread that continued throughout the few months. My anxiety was getting the best of me, and I couldn't make it work.

I thought that being in a house I didn't fit into was hard. But its even harder not being in Greek life. I understand that its my fault I quit. I could have stayed. I quit when there are women who didn't get bids at all. It's hard seeing all of my friends in all different sororities loving their houses and having the time of their lives because they are in a place where they feel comfortable to be themselves. I feel almost robbed of the opportunity to find where I belong because my house dirty rushed me. I honestly believe that them messaging me affected my rush schedule the next day. When you go to a school where the majority of social life is Greek, its hard to be social. I know I need to find my niche and I thought I would find it in my sorority but I didn't, and now I feel like I'm drowning.

I didn't expect this to happen to me. I have a lot of friends in other houses that encourage me to rush again next fall, but I'm afraid that it will be awkward. I don't think any house would want me after I already rushed, joined a house, then quit. It's almost disrespectful to the institution. I'm to the point where I just want to transfer. I'm miserable because I can't find my place on campus. I feel lost, and I just have no idea how to move forward, accepting the mistakes I've already made. Whoever said "You'll end up where you're meant to be" is so wrong.

I understand that some of you may have contentions against what I've said. I understand I've made a lot of mistakes. I can't take them back, and just ask for advice on how to fix this mess going forward. Thank you.