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-   -   It's not about ME-A mom's rush story (http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=234745)

Momoffour 09-11-2017 11:07 AM

It's not about ME-A mom's rush story
 
I've been reading on this site for quite a few years in preparation for my oldest to participate in rush when it was her turn. I am an active member in my alumnae group, and served as Panhellenic Delegate and Membership Director for my chapter. I am very aware of how the rush process works. My organization is very strong in the south, especially Texas where I pledged. It was very competitive when I rushed, but thankfully I was clueless all those years ago, and I got into a very sought after house without even realizing that it was competitive.
When my daughter decided to attend a school that doesn't have my chapter. My mission was to make sure that her resume was perfect, her recs were complete, and that her rush outfits were on point. I found out which chapters were strong at her school, and which ones weren't as selective, but told her to go through with an open mind. ( I know I said it, but did really mean it.)
Being that we are two very different personalities, I thought that she may have a different experience than I would have had, but I really wasn't mentally prepared for HER choices. She's a very pretty, smart girl, but she is very quiet. She'll be the first to admit that she's an introvert and would rather curl up with a good book than attend a big party. (Very unlike me) She isn't nearly as outspoken as I am.
She attended open house and then listed her choices in order. I was shocked when she told me that she had listed the stronger two houses last and one of the less competitive houses first. Apparently they had put her with their pageant girls and cheerleaders, and she felt very uncomfortable. Of course I told her that they were only a few members out of a large chapter and even though she wasn't interested in those things, she could still have things in common with other members.
Thankfully, she had a full schedule the next round and was invited back to all of the houses. She once again visited the two stronger houses, and told me that she really wasn't comfortable with them. My heart sank. She said she really liked the girls in one of the smaller houses. I bit my tongue and told her she had to do what was right for her.
For pref round, she chose one of the two sought after houses as well as the smaller house where she really liked the girls. She put the competitive house second on her MRABA and listed the less selective house first. I was heartbroken. I would have definitely chosen the other house, but SHE was happy. After speaking with her, my husband could tell that I was very upset. He pointed out to me that it was HER rush, not mine and that I needed to let her be with who she was most comfortable with. I sucked it up and met her for bid day. When I saw her, she was elated! I cannot deny how happy she was. I know that she will have lifelong friends and has found her home.
As a mom, I am still disappointed that she didn't choose to list the stronger chapter as her first selection. I know that even if she did list them first, she may not have gotten a bid from them. The point is that I know that I was projecting what I wanted for her, not what she actually wanted. I know that it's also an ego thing for me, because we are very prominent in our community, and would love to be able to say that she pledged one of the bigger, stronger southern houses. I've read about mothers that interfere with their daughter's Bid Day parties by refusing to let their daughter's participate and making them reject their bids. I cannot even imagine doing this to my daughter. She would be crushed.
My point here is that you really have to step back and let it be THEIR rush, not yours. I told her that I'm glad that she's found her group and I know that she will be very happy with her new sisters.

FSUZeta 09-11-2017 11:38 AM

You are a good mom. It is hard when our children decide which path to take and it ends up being a path we hadn't considered. You know she did the right thing for herself. She and her pledge sisters can make their chapter stronger if that's the direction the chapter wants to go. And now you get to shop for all the fun goodies in her sorority name!

DGTess 09-11-2017 12:37 PM

I truly, truly do not comprehend. One of the reasons I've been reading GC for so many years - to learn.

But I applaud your realization that it is not your rush.

You daughter didn't even go to your school, if I understand correctly. So what did you have to base your relative ranking on? Some may be a stronger "chapters" (for some definitions of the word "stronger"), but that doesn't make the sorority any stronger/bigger/better, does it? What does being prominent in your community have to do with it?

<swerve> I do understand that such sentiments exist. Years ago, I was at the San Antonio airport greeting women arriving for the DG convention, when a woman walked by, asked what group we were with (despite our DG polo shirts), then literally flicked her finger at her nose as she told us her group. I had never met anyone from her group in my life. Took a while before I was willing to think positively of that group. </swerve>

Titchou 09-11-2017 01:29 PM

DGTess, I'm going to respectfully disagree with you, my sister. I get what she is saying. If I had a daughter, I would certainly want her to be a DG first and then any other NPC group. However, I've done so much work nationally and am in my 6th year on an NPC committee that I am sure I would have preferences for her based on the school she attended. I probably wouldn't want her to pledge a chapter that had issues or that was historically a WRC simply because I would want the best possible experience for her. If I knew and liked the advisers in one chapter or another, I'd probably want her where I knew there were quality folks like them. I have even called friends who advised groups on campuses where we didn't have a chapter and lobbied for friends' daughters. BUT I would keep ALL this to myself. What I would want might not be a fit for her- but I'd be draining the local wine reserves to keep my mouth shut and be thrilled and positive for her.

Momoffour 09-11-2017 04:25 PM

I have to disagree. Yes, it is not my school and my organization isn't on campus. However, I have a lot of friends who are Alumnae for other groups and I became very aware as to what the sought after, strong groups on her campus were. When I say strong, I don't mean any disrespect, but to say that all groups on a particular campus are equal would be naive. (Grades, size, recruiting strength, Alumnae support, etc) Additionally, there are organizations that are more numerous in some regions than in others. Being that I'm heavily involved in our community, (Junior League, Women's Medical Auxiliary, etc) I have a lot of Panhellenic connections. The point was that even though my daughter was never uninvited and had a full schedule, she chose a smaller group that is struggling with their numbers. They didn't make quota and are about 30 off from total. In our community, it is assumed that our girls will pledge certain chapters. (Old row at Alabama would be an example.) During Rush, I wanted to tell her she should choose another group, but I kept my mouth shut. Saying that it has been easy would be a lie. When I read about mothers interfering in their daughter's Rush experiences, I really thought it was crazy. After going through it with my own daughter, I can easily see how this happens. I know that she is VERY happy. And the bottom line is that it was HER Rush not mine.

TLLK 09-11-2017 07:18 PM

Quote:

And the bottom line is that it was HER Rush not mine.
Next year my daughter and I could be in the exact same position so I am so glad that you stated this today.

In 1981 my mother who was a charter member of our DG chapter was living those exact words. She wisely held her tongue when I mentioned that I liked a group that didn't have a strong national and let me make my own choices. In the end I joined my legacy house and two years later my younger sister joined as well. However if we'd found our home at one of the other chapters, I know that my mother would have lead the mother's group and volunteered when necessary in order to support us.

I don't know if my daughter will choose to go through recruitment next year. However if she does I hope that I will be the cheerleader and listener that she requires me to be during those days.

tds81510 09-11-2017 07:19 PM

My daughter went through recruitment several weeks ago at an SEC school. I had done everything you described! Great rec's for every chapter, fabulous resume, nice outfits etc. I was absolutely paranoid she would be dropped after first round as we were not from that state etc. She got asked back to max per round...and dropped her legacy house going into pref....I was beside myself still thinking she would get no bids as her two pref houses were considered the "top" two chapters....but I kept my mouth shut.....and she got her first choice..
THE moral of the story is, I let her do it....she had several chapters that I considered not as highly rated as her legacy chapter and I was sure she was going to be cut by these other highly "rated" chapters and then the legacy would cut her too.....BUT she told me she wanted to feel comfortable with the girls and not be in the chapter with the cheerleaders and pom pom girls no matter their "reputation".....I, of course, kept my mouth buttoned up but I was worried......In the end she got exactly what she wanted and it didn't matter what mom thought...
If she is happy, that is all that matters.....

DGTess 09-12-2017 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momoffour (Post 2441425)
I have to disagree. Yes, it is not my school and my organization isn't on campus. However, I have a lot of friends who are Alumnae for other groups and I became very aware as to what the sought after, strong groups on her campus were. When I say strong, I don't mean any disrespect, but to say that all groups on a particular campus are equal would be naive. (Grades, size, recruiting strength, Alumnae support, etc) Additionally, there are organizations that are more numerous in some regions than in others. Being that I'm heavily involved in our community, (Junior League, Women's Medical Auxiliary, etc) I have a lot of Panhellenic connections. The point was that even though my daughter was never uninvited and had a full schedule, she chose a smaller group that is struggling with their numbers. They didn't make quota and are about 30 off from total. In our community, it is assumed that our girls will pledge certain chapters. (Old row at Alabama would be an example.) During Rush, I wanted to tell her she should choose another group, but I kept my mouth shut. Saying that it has been easy would be a lie. When I read about mothers interfering in their daughter's Rush experiences, I really thought it was crazy. After going through it with my own daughter, I can easily see how this happens. I know that she is VERY happy. And the bottom line is that it was HER Rush not mine.


What I'm reading here is "her sorority isn't good enough for me". Perhaps that's not what you mean, but you're sending the vibe that "she could do better".

Good thing it's best for her.

NYCMS 09-12-2017 11:44 AM

Question to momoffour
 
First I can understand your concern and also disappointment that your sorority has no chapter at this school.

And I have a question.

Your daughter pledged a "smaller" chapter. Does that mean it's struggling to meet quota each year? Or does it mean it's simply smaller (but OK on quota) and therefore not seen as strong. i certainly understand wanting her in a strong chapter but good on you that you let her find her own way!

TriDeltaSallie 09-12-2017 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DGTess (Post 2441520)
What I'm reading here is "her sorority isn't good enough for me". Perhaps that's not what you mean, but you're sending the vibe that "she could do better".

Good thing it's best for her.

That's how I read it as well. I have to admit, I've been surprised the OP has not been raked over the coals. GreekChat must be mellowing.

My takeaway is the OP seems to have raised a strong young woman who knows what she's about and could care less about appearances. That's the bottom line and it will serve her well.

sigmaceli 09-12-2017 12:36 PM

Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it was a really tough time for both mom and new member alike!

I sincerely hope that your daughter continues to fall in love with her new sisterhood, and who knows? Maybe she and her new member class will be the group that helps them to turn their chapter around in recruitment and helps to improve their reputation on campus.

navane 09-12-2017 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TriDeltaSallie (Post 2441527)
That's how I read it as well. I have to admit, I've been surprised the OP has not been raked over the coals. GreekChat must be mellowing.


Same here; but, I think Mom is getting credit for the fact that she had enough self-awareness to admit that she was projecting her own wants and ego onto her daughter. She does outright say that she came to the conclusion that she needed to let the daughter have her own rush.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Momoffour (Post 2441390)
I know that it's also an ego thing for me, because we are very prominent in our community, and would love to be able to say that she pledged one of the bigger, stronger southern houses.


Mom, perhaps you can use your prominent social standing for good to promote your daughter's organization and help end the social stigmas around certain GLOs not being good enough for Southern families. For example, if an acquaintance asks you where you daughter pledged, avoid saying, "Oh....well....she went to Pref for fancy, prestigious, Southern XYZ chapter; but, against my advice she put down lesser, ABC chapter and accepted a bid from them. I tried to talk to her out of it; but, she wanted ABC more."

Instead, you can say something more gracious and dignified like, "She happily accepted a bid to ABC, has made lots of friends so far and is loving it. I wasn't too familiar with ABC at first; but, did you know that they support Such-and-Such philanthropy? I learned that the ABC foundation raised $3.8 million dollars for such-and-such last year alone. What a great organization!"

Momoffour 09-12-2017 05:43 PM

I'm not implying that my daughter is too good for her organization. What I'm saying is that in our social circle, there are certain organizations that it assumed your daughter will pledge. (Unless there's a problem with their grades, reputation, etc.) I used to read the stories of mother's pulling their girls at Bid Day and think it was crazy and swore that I would never do that. I didn't once tell her how to order her preferences each day. It was all her decision. I posted this to let people know that it isn't as easy as you would think, especially when she wasn't released by anyone. Her chapter hasn't made quota the last three years. I wanted her to be a part of a chapter that wouldn't be struggling and would be there long after she graduates. I would never speak badly of any organization. I'm sure that they have both strong and struggling chapters, just like there are for my organization. Like I said, she is very happy to have found her home, it's just not what I expected. As a mom, I thought it would be valuable to other moms to share my experience and let them know that it's harder than you think to let them make their own choices.

DGTess 09-12-2017 05:51 PM

OK, this is the third post in which you've referred to your social circle.

Guess some of us don't measure up.

Out here.

carnation 09-12-2017 05:52 PM

I get what you're saying. When my daughters rushed, I hoped majorly that they wouldn't fall in love with a really struggling chapter. As a former Greek advisor, I had seen so much pain in these chapters--they could hardly enjoy any sisterhood (well, or brotherhood) because they were always trying to COB. They had to put up with rude behavior from rushees at parties.

And I can still remember the looks on their faces as they waited for their small pledge classes to come to them. These girls were never running. Some girls didn't even bother showing up and of the ones who did, there was a huge drop rate. I remember one sorority from the seventies that pledged 8 when quota was 40 and I know that they didn't initiate 8.

So yeah--past experience of the mom, whatever it might have been, plays into it.


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