Dear Mom
 

Dear Mom,

I know you and I are incredibly close. You're my biggest supporter and loudest cheerleader. On top of that, you and I have a bond that transcends even what I have with my best friend. You and I both cried when you pulled away from my dorm room on move-in day. You were so excited for me when I decided to go through recruitment earlier this summer. You called up everyone you knew to help me with recs, we got our nails and hair done together, and you spent an ungodly amount of money on cute recruitment outfits for me. Maybe I was a legacy to your beloved sorority, and you wanted nothing more than to initiate me into your org. Maybe I'm the first person in the family going to college, and you want me to have the best experience possible -- the experience you never had. Maybe you simply want all my dreams to come true, no matter what they may be.

I was released from sorority recruitment today. My Rho Chi just called me up to tell me that no sorority wanted to give me a bid. I'm confused and crying. I vascillate between anger, jealousy, depression, panic, and humiliation. I feel like the biggest loser. It's so hard for me to tell this to you, since I don't want YOU to think that I'm a failure. I know you don't think that, but seriously, what's wrong with me? I don't understand how the system works, really, and everyone keeps telling me that these things happen and that there's "nothing wrong with me" but it's hard to feel anything but rejection.

Mom, this is where I need you to shine. I know your first instinct is to get mad on my behalf, to cry with me, to stay up all night worrying, to wonder why those awful women in sororities didn't want me. I'm going to ask you hard questions: "Why doesn't anybody want me? Do people think I'm a loser? Why didn't I get into XYZ? Why did Amy-From-High-School get into a sorority and not me?" You're not going to have any of the answers to these questions. And as much as you want to protect me and to "make it all better for me" (and as much as I imply I want this from you), you can't -- and shouldn't -- do that for me.

I'm 18 years old now. I know 18 years old doesn't seem very old, and in many ways it isn't. I haven't had the wordly experience yet to really put this rejection in perspective. You have that worldly perspective, and this is where you can help me. I need you to help me deal with this like the adult I am. I need your comfort, but I don't need you to socially protect me anymore. I want you to wave a magic wand and get me a bid to my favorite chapter, but I need you to not make this a bigger deal than it really is. Mom, the more you remain calm in light of my disappointment, and the more you encourage me to dry my tears and move on, the better off I'll be.

The more you buy into my crying and commiserate with me about how mean all the GLOs are for dropping me, the less I'm able to deal with disappointment on my own. I can't always be dependent on you, and I really need you to take this opportunity to encourage emotional autonomy. This may seem counterintuitive, but if you make TOO big a deal out of my perceived failure, I'm actually going to get the message that this is a catastrophic rejection and feel worse about myself than I would have had you lovingly helped me put my feelings in perspective and move on.

In conclusion, I know you only want to help me but I'm sure you've figured out from 18 years of parenting me that what I say I need from you and what I actually need from you are very different things. You're probably not a helicopter parent but you're almost certainly more involved in my life than your parents were involved in yours. Now that I'm in college, you need to really be cognizant of the fact that I can't come to you everytime I get a 1.7 on a test, or I get in a fight with my roommate, or a guy at a party ignores me. I know you want to be there for me, and you always will, but now that I've flown the nest, physically, and you need to push me to break free emotionally. I was dropped from recruitment today, and now you can use this opportunity to help me learn a very important lesson about my own strength and resilience.

Lots of love,
Your daughter

This letter is awesome. This is really well thought through -- for a second I thought there was a PNM actually mature, coherent and level-headed enough to post it, then I saw your join date and post history....

(if anyone wonders why i didn't figure it out from the login name, i was hoping that chi o snap bid the girl recently)

Great post! I linked this on the Gen Advice thread.

It's great and the tone seems particularly appropriate to the situation. I hope the right people read it.

Great letter for the goings on of the recruitment forum lately.

I like it a lot more than the negative things that are being posted on the Recruitment Forum.

Can we please sticky this letter and refer all parents of PNMs to this site. I know it's hard for a parent to keep things in perspective, but isn't that their job? Maybe this can be a good tool to help parents remember how to parent when their hearts are breaking with their daughters'. After all, they are just human and fail to think things through before acting!

Bump

Since it is not stickied I thought I would bump this. With my daughter going through recruitment in a few weeks, I am searching the threads now for all the good advice for moms, to remind myself how not to act. I thought there was another thread on this subject, but I am still looking. In the meantime, any advice on how to avoid Sikorsky like conduct will be well received.

I had never read this before, thanks for bumping it! Great advice!

Such a great letter! Everyone should read it before going through recruitment.

I have never seen this! Very good - definitely a sticky "must" for moms. I like the tone and approach vs the heli-mom bashing.

Wow, what an awesome letter! This should be stickied . . . ;)

That's a great letter, should be emailed to every mom with a daughter going thru recruitment. I think the emotions and stress of seeing your just moved away from home daughter going thru the rush process just gets the best of some moms and they get carried away. My daughter is very confident so I was a little surprised that she was so stressed and emotional when she rushed - was not expecting that from her at all!

Also, I agree with gee_ess, I appreciate the tone and the content of it much more than the helicopter mom mocking. I remember last year when my daughter (first born) was going thru recruitment (something I had never done) I had so many questions but I was afraid to ask anything for fear of being labeled a heli-mom when the reality was, the reason I was looking for answers was so I could be prepared when my daughter came to me with it. :)

That automatically makes you NOT one. :)

As with most other things in life, the people who need it most are the ones who pay the least attention.