GreekChat.com Forums

GreekChat.com Forums (http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/index.php)
-   Greek Life (http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/forumdisplay.php?f=24)
-   -   How To Get Along With NM Class? (http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=234543)

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 04:11 PM

How To Get Along With NM Class?
 
I am absolutely loving the sorority that I ran home to, however I keep having minor conflict with the girls in my NM class. They seem to think I'm odd or a little weird because I stay sober during tailgates and at bars (it's a crime to drink under aged but apparently that doesn't matter to them). They also jump down my throat when I disagree with them on anything. I honestly feel more like their mother than their sister. I think they think I'm a killjoy. Any suggestions? (I am older than some of them but only by a year.)

carnation 09-08-2017 04:17 PM

That was me back in the day. That was my oldest daughter as well--I swear she was the DD every weekend.

Keep looking for the girls who are like you!

FSUZeta 09-08-2017 04:30 PM

Yes, there are girls with similar tastes as you. It just takes some time to find them.

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 04:34 PM

I have found older girls (like the pledge classes above me) that I like talking to. But sometimes they seem to forget I'm their age. Some of them are also a lot like the girls in my NM class, just in a difference PC. Unfortunately this is a common problem for me, I don't fit in with most people my age....

FSUZeta 09-08-2017 04:56 PM

Well then, how can you address that? What can you find in common with your pledge class or the initiated sisters? Do you exercise? Maybe someone else likes the same sort as you. Do you enjoy sports? Play on the sorority IM team. Do you like to volunteer your time? Join the committee that plans the philanthropy events, or get some of your pledge sisters to go with you to a volunteer opportunity off campus. Start a study group within the pledge class. Think outside the box.

ASTalumna06 09-08-2017 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441001)
I am absolutely loving the sorority that I ran home to, however I keep having minor conflict with the girls in my NM class. They seem to think I'm odd or a little weird because I stay sober during tailgates and at bars (it's a crime to drink under aged but apparently that doesn't matter to them). They also jump down my throat when I disagree with them on anything. I honestly feel more like their mother than their sister. I think they think I'm a killjoy. Any suggestions? (I am older than some of them but only by a year.)

I would joke with them, "But this way, I'm always available to be your DD!"

Perhaps they think you're odd or weird because you're acting odd or weird. I don't want that to sound mean, but really analyze how you're coming off to them. Are you fine with them drinking, but for some reason come off as if you're not? Maybe you're telling jokes about how you're OK with it, but it sounds strange and they're taking it the wrong way? Or maybe you in some way disapprove of their behavior, and you're one of those people who has a face that everyone can read? The statement in bold above makes me think it's the last point I made here. Of course, it's hard to truly know what you meant reading it on the internet.

And what disagreements have you had with them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by FSUZeta (Post 2441007)
Well then, how can you address that? What can you find in common with your pledge class or the initiated sisters? Do you exercise? Maybe someone else likes the same sort as you. Do you enjoy sports? Play on the sorority IM team. Do you like to volunteer your time? Join the committee that plans the philanthropy events, or get some of your pledge sisters to go with you to a volunteer opportunity off campus. Start a study group within the pledge class. Think outside the box.

This.

33girl 09-08-2017 05:25 PM

Quote:

(it's a crime to drink under aged but apparently that doesn't matter to them)
If that is honestly the vibe you are putting across, it's no wonder that you are having problems.

I had several sisters who rarely, if not never, drank and nobody noticed or cared because they were some of the most gregarious and fun people to be around. They also weren't walking around citing the drinking laws to the rest of us.

If you don't have to go to bars (ie it's not a sorority event) and don't enjoy yourself when you're there, don't go. Find the other girls who don't care for it. Lots of people, whether they drink or not, simply do not enjoy the bar scene. As far as tailgates are concerned, is there some sort of function you could perform that takes you out of the partying part of it - like does the school have a tent to greet the alumni or some such thing that you could work at? (Disclaimer, I know zero about tailgate culture)

You're a sophomore, I assume, and there are going to be girls your age who are "older" sorority wise. This usually levels out once you've been initiated. As long as you get along with them that's the important part.

FSUZeta 09-08-2017 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441001)
I am absolutely loving the sorority that I ran home to, however I keep having minor conflict with the girls in my NM class. They seem to think I'm odd or a little weird because I stay sober during tailgates and at bars (it's a crime to drink under aged but apparently that doesn't matter to them). They also jump down my throat when I disagree with them on anything. I honestly feel more like their mother than their sister. I think they think I'm a killjoy. Any suggestions? (I am older than some of them but only by a year.)

Disagree on what exactly? There are ways to get your point across diplomatically and not offend folks or make them mad.

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 05:49 PM

ASTalumna06, our disagreements are very very minor. Like tiffs between sisters would be honestly. But I'm always the vocal minority. And I don't try to come across disapproving. I guess its just how I was raised (conservative in most things) that I come across that way.

33girl, and I go to the bars and tailgates to watch out for them honestly. I did it with friends last year as a non-Greek student as well. I would hate for something bad to happen knowing that I could have done something to stop it. One could say its not my job to do so, but I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I don't really go out to have fun. If I weren't watching out for them, I wouldn't go out.

And I would love to do things with them but I have narrow interests better made for an introvert (but I'm an extrovert) and my major isn't an often seen one. Even when we did hang out as a NM class I was running around making sure everyone had everything they needed. I provided most of the equipment needed for the get together. I was pretty much the mom, again.

TXDG 09-08-2017 05:55 PM

If you want to have friends, stop acting like a mom and start acting like a friend. Join in on the fun while you're out with them - just because you're sober, doesn't mean you can't join in on the jokes and laughter. Try to relax a little....

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 06:16 PM

This is probably a stupid question, but how do I not act like a mom?

NYCMS 09-08-2017 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441016)
And I would love to do things with them but I have narrow interests better made for an introvert (but I'm an extrovert) and my major isn't an often seen one. Even when we did hang out as a NM class I was running around making sure everyone had everything they needed. I provided most of the equipment needed for the get together. I was pretty much the mom, again.


First, I agree with everyone that you have to stop being a mom. How to stop? Stop doing everything for them as you described about getting the equipment, etc. Stop thinking about what you can do for them (from a "being a mom" standpoint). Actually sit, talk and do nothing for a change!

Second, consider the answer you gave above (along with your other answers) - there seems to be a reason each time "why" you can't be friends with your sisters. First, it's the looking out thing - I get that, we all want friends who do that, but not with a judgmental tone ("underage drinking" comment). Then the reason is the above comment about having narrow interests...it's time to widen them! Find some commonality with your sisters. You can't expect to be friends if none of your sisters share your self-described narrow interests so you have to take action if want to bond.

I well remember two of my sisters - one was the ultimate partier; the other was quite conservative, even led a Bible Study among sororities on campus. Yet they bonded over some common interest (can't remember what) and became great buddies.

Lastly, the issues you describe here will follow you post-college...we don't change our stripes that easily. If you don't make some changes now, you will find a company where you have narrow interests, where you're the mom, where you don't fit in...so this is your opportunity to change.

FSUZeta 09-08-2017 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441021)
This is probably a stupid question, but how do I not act like a mom?

Not a stupid question at all. I enjoy helping my friends when they are hosting parties. But I also take time out to enjoy the party.

You need to be on some committee. Ask your new member trainer how to do that. Another way to "not be a mom" is to delegate. When you do help out at get togethers, ask some pledge sisters to do specific tasks. People like to feel needed and involved.

As long as you are not helicoptering, it's not a bad thing to have your sisters/friends backs. But don't be obtrusive.

*winter* 09-08-2017 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NYCMS (Post 2441022)
Lastly, the issues you describe here will follow you post-college...we don't change our stripes that easily. If you don't make some changes now, you will find a company where you have narrow interests, where you're the mom, where you don't fit in...so this is your opportunity to change.

THIS. College is your real shot to learn how to be social. Use it.

I was 21 when I joined my sorority. The other girls in my pledge class were 18-20. It took me a while to make friends, because I had a hard time making friends in college. My best friends (except for one) weren't from my PC. I didn't meet them and get to know them until I got my Big. My advice would be to go as many events as possible. Now here's the kicker- events YOU LIKE. Not "babysitting." Things you enjoy. I did cool things like volunteering and we did arts and crafts style things. We also went out, but I'm sure if you're not into that you can find other opportunities to have fun. If not, create them! Set up a scrap booking day or a yoga class. Then you will find women who have your same interests and you won't find yourself in that "mom" role, you will just be their friend. Good luck.

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 07:44 PM

I applied for a position but won't find out if I got it for a while. And I would love to do fun events with them but all that's on their minds seems to be parties and alcohol.

They said that its not fun to be sober at a tailgate, I said I do it all the time, and their first response was that I had a high tolerance for "bulls***" and some joked that the day I get black out from drinking they would videotape it. I love them already they're funny and nice but I feel like an outsider a lot of the time.

NYCMS 09-08-2017 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441035)
And I would love to do fun events with them but all that's on their minds seems to be parties and alcohol.

LightnAiry, how many girls are in your pledge class? Surely there's at least one or two girls who doesn't want to only drink. Or maybe a few girls who drink very lightly.

jolene 09-08-2017 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441035)
I applied for a position but won't find out if I got it for a while. And I would love to do fun events with them but all that's on their minds seems to be parties and alcohol.

They said that its not fun to be sober at a tailgate, I said I do it all the time, and their first response was that I had a high tolerance for "bulls***" and some joked that the day I get black out from drinking they would videotape it. I love them already they're funny and nice but I feel like an outsider a lot of the time.

You'll find your spot. I didn't drink when I was in college and I had some sisters who didn't drink or barely drank. However, I loved attending parties, flirting, hanging with friends, dancing, etc. Is your chapter large? If so, it's easier to search out a niche.

LightnAiry 09-08-2017 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NYCMS (Post 2441038)
LightnAiry, how many girls are in your pledge class? Surely there's at least ONE girls who doesn't want to only drink.

There are about 54 of us, including myself. You'd be surprised that nearly every single one I spoke to like going out, drinking, and partying. Even girls I never thought would want to, some because they'd never done it before. I will admit that haven't spoken to all of them, but the ones who may not be up for that stuff don't go to the house, aren't participating in our first philanthropy event, and don't really talk to the rest of us.

ISUKappa 09-08-2017 10:35 PM

In a class of 54, you will be able to find a few you can connect with. Chances are, some of them are just saying that they like to go out and party only to feel like they fit in, but given a choice would rather not - or at least not every night. Also, those few who aren't going to the house or participating in the philanthropy might need that extra push to get involved and feel like they are a part of the chapter. Those might be the introverts who aren't comfortable hanging out in a big group, but get them one-on-one or in a small group and they open up.

Are you the only sophomore in your pledge class? For some of these women, it's also their first experience on their own, away from parents. The first month or so might be a constant party (or feel that way) while they get that out of their system, so to speak. Things will settle down.

My pledge class was the farthest thing from cohesive. There was a group of about 8 (out of a class of 25) who seemed to bond right away, and if you weren't part of their group, they really didn't associate with you. The rest of us just kind of did our own thing in small groups, but they were fluid. I became friends with older girls in the house, and as I got older, I found friends in the younger pledge classes. And I learned how to deal with the women with whom I never really got along.

ASTalumna06 09-09-2017 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441043)
I will admit that haven't spoken to all of them, but the ones who may not be up for that stuff don't go to the house, aren't participating in our first philanthropy event, and don't really talk to the rest of us.

Aaaaaand perhaps these are your people. Maybe they're introverts. Maybe they're waiting for someone to reach out. Maybe they don't feel comfortable yet just showing up at the house by themselves. This is your "in"! These are the women you should be contacting. I'd bet good money that if you asked one of them to hang out, they'd think "thank goodness!" and would be more than happy to go to dinner, or a movie, or for coffee.

Be the friend they need right now!

*winter* 09-09-2017 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06 (Post 2441060)
Aaaaaand perhaps these are your people. Maybe they're introverts. Maybe they're waiting for someone to reach out. Maybe they don't feel comfortable yet just showing up at the house by themselves. This is your "in"! These are the women you should be contacting. I'd bet good money that if you asked one of them to hang out, they'd think "thank goodness!" and would be more than happy to go to dinner, or a movie, or for coffee.

Be the friend they need right now!

This describes my friend from my PC, who is still my dear friend 17 years later. She was just terribly shy!

33girl 09-09-2017 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06 (Post 2441060)
Aaaaaand perhaps these are your people. Maybe they're introverts. Maybe they're waiting for someone to reach out. Maybe they don't feel comfortable yet just showing up at the house by themselves. This is your "in"! These are the women you should be contacting. I'd bet good money that if you asked one of them to hang out, they'd think "thank goodness!" and would be more than happy to go to dinner, or a movie, or for coffee.

Be the friend they need right now!

YYYEEEESSSSSS oookabillion times to this. Refocus your mom urge for good!! Especially if they're freshmen, they might feel over their heads not just with the sorority but also with being away at school in general, and the fact that you're a sophomore and know the lay of the land a little goes a long way. I know as a freshman I would have been a wreck without the upperclass ladies in my dorm.

FSUZeta 09-09-2017 09:16 AM

I can see why you are feeling like an outsider in regards to the tailgate convo. Just keep smiling, laugh when they laugh so that they know you're one of them. Don't pass judgement on them for drinking but don't compromise your standards.

LightnAiry 09-09-2017 05:02 PM

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I often struggle to connect to people my own age. I don't really understand the behavior of anyone under the age of 30 haha.

SoCalGirl 09-10-2017 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441137)
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I often struggle to connect to people my own age. I don't really understand the behavior of anyone under the age of 30 haha.

What type of introvert interests do you have?

I'm speculating, so I suggest:
Book club - mix it up between serious / classic and the latest mindless best seller. Even Cher Horrowitz suggested that you should read one non school book a week.

Foreign movie group - plan a night to watch a foreign film and eat food from that country.

Hiking group - explore the outdoors and historic sights, take fun pics.

The key in all of these is that while you'll be "Mom" in organizing you need to "LET GO and HAVE FUN" during the activity.

NYCMS 09-10-2017 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl (Post 2441192)
What type of introvert interests do you have?

I'm speculating, so I suggest:
Book club - mix it up between serious / classic and the latest mindless best seller. Even Cher Horrowitz suggested that you should read one non school book a week.

Foreign movie group - plan a night to watch a foreign film and eat food from that country.

Hiking group - explore the outdoors and historic sights, take fun pics.

The key in all of these is that while you'll be "Mom" in organizing you need to "LET GO and HAVE FUN" during the activity.

I wish this board had a "like" button - these are brilliant suggestions! And they allow her to use her "mom" personality but then hopefully let go and have fun!

*winter* 09-10-2017 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441137)
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I often struggle to connect to people my own age. I don't really understand the behavior of anyone under the age of 30 haha.

I did too in college. Outside of the sorority and ROTC (which I only did for one year), I didn't have any friends, really. I was in the sorority for a year, then transferred to an urban school in the city I grew up in, and lived in my own apartment and worked while going to school. Instant adulthood. When I was washing my own dishes and cleaning my own toilet, I suddenly wondered why I was in such an it hurry to get out of the dorms lol.

I don't regret a lot of things in life, but one thing I regret is not giving myself the full opportunity to just "be" a college student. I spent two years at the state school. I cherish the memories I do have there. It's truly such a unique time in your life- one of the few times you get to just spend figuring out who you are, and how you fit into the world. You will get the opportunity to be in your 30s. (Spoiler alert: it's not that great.). You will probably be someone's mom. What you can't get back, if you don't maximize it, is this time in your life. Truly enjoy it.

If I had it to do over, I would have joined my sorority my first year of school and just stayed there the whole four years. You can crow as a person in that environment in every way- academically, emotionally, socially. Don't neglect the social. My coworker and I went to the same state school (she graduated) and just the other day we were discussing plans to go back for homecoming lol. You're there now. GO.

The one thing I did with my sorority (and it helped my very shy pledge sister as well) is that I did every activity I could with them. If I wasn't working- I was there. I talked to people I didn't know. I met their friends. I met so many people this way. That's how I found the perfect Big! Otherwise no one would have known me or my personality to match me up with someone so well.

I know it's hard when you feel more mature than others at your age, but you can and will find "your people." My chapter was smaller than your PC, and I managed. Good luck, and above all, don't forget to HAVE FUN!

Titchou 09-10-2017 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441035)
I applied for a position but won't find out if I got it for a while. And I would love to do fun events with them but all that's on their minds seems to be parties and alcohol.

They said that its not fun to be sober at a tailgate, I said I do it all the time, and their first response was that I had a high tolerance for "bulls***" and some joked that the day I get black out from drinking they would videotape it. I love them already they're funny and nice but I feel like an outsider a lot of the time.

You say that like there is something wrong with being an outsider. There isn't! Seriously...you can't change others - only yourself so stop with this. I was the consummate outsider in my pledge class but for different reasons. Large public U - Alabama. I was one year younger than my PC because I skipped a grade. I also went to Catholic schools all my life -most of them were Baptist.. I also went to a Catholic girls's boarding school for high school. I assure you there was NO ONE in my demographic in my PC! I'm also an introvert. But I looked at it as an opportunity for growth -and boy did that ever happen. Just like when this little southern girl went to StLouis and they joked about my accent, I just rolled with the flow. Quit over analyzing their remarks. The next time they say they can't wait to take that picture of you passed out, respond that you'll pay good money for a copy. It will all even out over time. It's just the second week in September. You haven't been there that long yet. Funny story - when I first got to St Louis classmates were always coming to me saying "say something." I'd try to ask why,what was their issue,etc. Finally, it struck me! Whenever someone said "say something," I responded "something" in my best Southern drawl. They finally quit!

LightnAiry 09-10-2017 01:24 PM

I guess I never spent time just being a kid. From my second grade year onward my priority has been my career goal (I would say what but that would be too much information lol) and other kids didn't understand why I spent all my time focusing on that. I went to a small Christian school my entire life (from 2 to 18) so I never had to make friends, I had them by default. (So I sort of understand what you mean Titchou.) And I've never really seen the need in "figuring out" who I am. I've always known who I am and I like who I am. I see it as a source of pride that I've stayed generally the same. It doesn't help that my personality type is incredibly rare and we tend to not relate well with others.


In terms of fictional characters I'm Hermione Granger + Daria + Monica Geller. lol

KSUViolet06 09-10-2017 01:38 PM

What sort of rare type are you? I am an INTJ and I still found people I connected with.

Also, your best friends need not be in YOUR NM class.

My best friend/sorority sister was not from my class, but 2 classes above me.

I also have some really good friends in my little's class.


Titchou 09-10-2017 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441254)
I guess I never spent time just being a kid. From my second grade year onward my priority has been my career goal (I would say what but that would be too much information lol) and other kids didn't understand why I spent all my time focusing on that. I went to a small Christian school my entire life (from 2 to 18) so I never had to make friends, I had them by default. (So I sort of understand what you mean Titchou.) And I've never really seen the need in "figuring out" who I am. I've always known who I am and I like who I am. I see it as a source of pride that I've stayed generally the same. It doesn't help that my personality type is incredibly rare and we tend to not relate well with others.


In terms of fictional characters I'm Hermione Granger + Daria + Monica Geller. lol

Well,Monica worked it out pretty well...so can you. The introvert in me dreaded the idea of even speaking in front of my class. In Delta Gamma, I've spoken to 1,000 people at banquets/convocations at our Convention! I didn't get there overnight. Look at how you can be an even better version of yourself and how you can learn to get along with those who think differently - because that's all we're really talking about here with the examples you've given. You aren't a finished product yet!

LightnAiry 09-10-2017 02:28 PM

I'm an ENTP and only 3% of women are such. We tend to be charismatic, knowledgeable, and energetic, but we can also be very argumentative, intolerant, and insensitive unintentionally. It's not on purpose but our minds work so quickly that we tend to dismiss anything and anyone we believe to be illogical and shaky under scrutiny.

I was the child who'd always ask why I had to do something and would argue if it didn't make sense to me.

ColdInCanada11 09-10-2017 03:03 PM

I joined Alpha Gam when I was 20, and the legal drinking age in my province is 18- even though it's totally legal, I'm not a huge drinker. Quite frankly, alcohol makes me tired and I end up just going to sleep. (If you want fun me, cupcakes and brownies all the way!!) Although I personally have little patience who get smashed, I don't bring it up and discuss- there's no reason to. If you are there are and having fun, most people won't notice. And you don't HAVE to go to everything- just don't go if people are drunk and out of control. I'm going to guess that people are picking up on your mom vibe and not feeling it.

Titchou 09-10-2017 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightnAiry (Post 2441263)
I'm an ENTP and only 3% of women are such. We tend to be charismatic, knowledgeable, and energetic, but we can also be very argumentative, intolerant, and insensitive unintentionally. It's not on purpose but our minds work so quickly that we tend to dismiss anything and anyone we believe to be illogical and shaky under scrutiny.

I was the child who'd always ask why I had to do something and would argue if it didn't make sense to me.

Honey, I'm an INTJ-with a J so strong that my score for the judgmental part was 24-0-ZERO!!!!! But just because I am so much so, I've learned to keep the judgments to myself in certain situations. You're young. You haven't gotten there yet. A friend of mine used to say that honesty was no excuse for rudeness. Step back and see if any of this fits and,if so, work on it.

KSUViolet06 09-10-2017 04:24 PM

I will also tell you that my best friend in my chapter did not drink and it really was not a problem.

*winter* 09-10-2017 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdInCanada11 (Post 2441270)
I joined Alpha Gam when I was 20, and the legal drinking age in my province is 18- even though it's totally legal, I'm not a huge drinker. Quite frankly, alcohol makes me tired and I end up just going to sleep. (If you want fun me, cupcakes and brownies all the way!!) Although I personally have little patience who get smashed, I don't bring it up and discuss- there's no reason to. If you are there are and having fun, most people won't notice. And you don't HAVE to go to everything- just don't go if people are drunk and out of control. I'm going to guess that people are picking up on your mom vibe and not feeling it.

Clarification: by "go to everything" I meant things where alcohol isn't present, if such events are making you uncomfortable.

ColdInCanada11 09-10-2017 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *winter* (Post 2441316)
Clarification: by "go to everything" I meant things where alcohol isn't present, if such events are making you uncomfortable.

Oh, I'm agreeing with you!! I'm an advisor now- I would NEVER advocate attending something you aren't comfortable with. That being said, sisterhood events, meetings, IM sports are all alcohol free (or should be...), she should have options!


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:37 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.