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Possible Thread: What to Do if You're Released from Recruitment
So if we have such a thread and sticky and close it: what do y'all think it should say? Just the facts, folks, no commnets about parenting styles, it'll be directed to the PNMs.
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1. If YOU are considering releasing yourself (ie., dropping out) think twice. At most schools you will never have as good a shot at membership as your first eligible time to rush. Sororities are looking for women they can cultivate into leaders and the financial stability of pledging a younger member who will be around 4 years versus 2 or 3.
Think long and hark before you drop out. Give every house a chance. Maximize your options. Having better shoes or sundress next year will not balance out the fact you will be an upperclassman competing against freshmen. |
I think that my original thread on how to deal with rejection was pretty good.
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Let's move on: If your released from Recruitment: 1. Re-evaluate yourself. Why do you want to be Greek. Is it because you want the prestige of being in a certain sorority? Or do you genuinely want the sisterhood that ANY sorority can provide? 2. Look into COB/COR. At "competitive" schools it might be your only option to be in a sorority. At a less "competitive" school, it will help you get a better understanding of the groups. 3. Realize that you might think you'd fit perfectly in one group, but that might not be the case. Don't dismiss any sorority just because you didn't mesh well with 1 member. |
Recruitment is not a guaranteed process and there are no guarantees that you will receive a bid.
You aren't alone because at EVERY school, there are girls who for whatever reason don't receive bids. Not receiving a bid doesn't make you less of a person. We here at Greek Chat can offer sympathy, but we can't tell you why you/your loved one didn't receive a bid because: * we don't know you/them personally. * we aren't members of the sororities at your school. * we weren't there to see you interacting with the sororities during rounds. * the member selection process of every sorority is private information. What we can do is suggest that you: * maybe check out COB opportunities (if available). * get involved in other activities at school. * make friends, and enjoy the rest of college! ^^^That last point is SO important. It is okay to cry, get upset, whatever, but eventually you do need to realize that college DOES GO ON. While you're sitting around for weeks after rush being upset about not being Greek, you could be missing out on valuable opportunities to make friends and get involved on campus. |
Please remember that direct contact between the person going through recruitment and the Greek Life office is the best way of understanding what options exist once recruitment is over. We can tell you want COB/COR is, but unless you happen to hit a GCer with special inside information, we really have no idea which groups are participating or how to get them to invite your daughter.
I think that a locked and stickied thread about recs would be a great idea, but it doesn't help after the fact. Similarly it might be too late for this advice in the released from recruitment thread: but PNMs and their parent should be aware that it is extremely rare at most campuses for a PNM to increase her chances of getting a bid to a group she wants by dropping out of formal. The percentage of girls who get the groups they want through snap bids is in most cases minuscule. And if you are dropping out with groups on your invitation list, these are often the groups most likely to be COBing. To the parents themselves: Remember that there's no way to spare your child every disappointment. As tempted as you might be to try to "fix" the situation, the most important good that could come out of it might be for your child to learn how to deal with disappointment primarily on her own and how to be successful in spite of setbacks. Push her beyond this crisis, don't prolong it. ETA: I didn't notice that you only wanted stuff directed to the PNMs. I think we actually need a parent sticky too. But if need be, please edit the last point to reflect addressing the girls directly. "There's no way to avoid every disappointment in life. You have a lot to learn by how you react to this set back. Don't prologue this disappointing episode or make it more meaningful than it really is. Move on quickly. |
for the Parents
How about:
Dear Mom and/or Dad: We're so sorry you and your D are hurting now from an unsuccessful recruitment. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can say or do that will help ease this pain. Membership Selection is secret and so nobody on this forum would know why it happened the way it did. Beautiful, brilliant, talented young women go bidless every year and it's difficult to comprehend as a parent. Be there emotionally for your D, tell her to sign up for COB and join lots of other extracurricular activities and keep her grades up. As she progresses with her classes she will meet girls in Greek groups and maybe down the road her science lab partner, dorm neighbor, club member etc. will ask her if she'd like to attend a COB event. We will all be wishing her good thoughts and the best of luck in her college career. Sincerely, The Greek Chat Gals |
It bears a lot of repeating, bolding and underlining that we here at Greekchat cannot tell you why anyone gets cut during recruitment. We are not in the room when they do cuts. We are not there during rounds listening into your conversations. We cannot tell you, we have no way of knowing, and we won't speculate because there's just no way to know.
I also think there should be something about parents backing off. That might border near parenting styles, but no child wants their parent to be hysterical over something they themselves have already started to move on from. Coming to GC and making 10 hysterical threads about how unfair recruitment is is just dumb. We've all known disappointment and we've all sucked it up. A mother weeping because her daughter got cut hard is just an embarrassment. Yes it hurts but you need to be the pillar of support, not a crumbling ruin. GC is not a glass cage of emotion. Quote:
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Isn't all that info already posted in adpiucf's thread: http://greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=54403
Is it really neccessary to have a duplicate? There's even a section about being the mom of a pnm. All these cases are the same. "My classic beauty of a daughter who was homecoming queen and a cheerleader rushed at <super competitive school here> and she didn't get one of the top three out of 15 sororities on the campus and I don't know what to do for her" Someone already posted something to the effect of everyone wants to think their case is exceptionally different than the norm which is why they post 128379243 threads about essentially the same thing. having read most all of these, I feel like the mom's who are in this position only come here to hear the good news ("that's EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR!") whether it will apply to them or not. There was talk on these boards a year or two ago about not blowing sunshine where it probably didn't need to be for the pnms.... why doesn't that apply to the parents too? |
This is my brutally honest advice. It's not very nice; it's blunt and it's not sugarcoated. However it IS based off of lots of experience personally dealing with disappointed PNMs, and based on some themes that have been especially prevalent on GC this recruitment season. I think its important for people to hear this straight instead of some of the sugary feel-good BS that people have shoveled to disappointed PNMs since the beginning of time. Here goes:
Handle the rejection gracefully: It's absolutely fine to be disappointed if you've been released from recruitment. It's even fine to cry. It's crushing to really really want something for a whole summer or longer and have it not play out. Seriously, grab a tub of Ben & Jerry's (or a sheetcake, depending on how much of an emotional binge eater you are) and a movie and feel sorry for yourself for a day or two. But get over it ASAP. I don't mean that you have to stop feeling bad, but stop dwelling on the rejection publicly. The longer you act like a dejected loser, or the longer you whine about how mean the sororities are for cutting you, the more unflattering assumptions people will make about your personal character. I know this thread is about PNMs that are released from recruitment, but I've always wanted to say this, and I think I will while we're on the subject: If you got INTO a sorority, but just not the one you wanted, don't cry about it to your new sisters on Bid Night. It's unimaginably immature, rude, and hurtful. Just depledge like a normal person and don't drag other excited actives and pledge classmates down with you. If decide you're going to give the runner up sorority a good old "college try", keep your mouth shut about how bad you really wanted to be an XYZ. Be honest with yourself: If you've been dropped from recruitment, was it because YOU cut a lot of the chapters initially or because you had an unrealistic "XYZ or bust" mentality? I'm pretty sure a solid majority of PNMs believe they "belong" in Phi Beta Popular, but most probably don't. On campuses with solidly stratified Greek Life, there are far more "lower tier" chapters than top tier chapters -- there simply aren't enough spaces for everyone to get in the "top" four or five sororities. And you know what? At the end of the day, the "lesser" chapters stay open, meet or exceed quota every year, win Greek Week, have amazing sisterhoods with great parties, and nobody sits around crying because they don't have Phi Beta Popular letters embroidered on their Vera Bradley tote. So suck it up, be honest with yourself, and move on. Complete PNM freakshows are relatively rare, and I simply DON'T believe that all of our unsuccessful GC PNMs this season were completely socially incompetent enough to have had such brutally unfair recruitments, as we've been led to believe. I think more often than not, PNMs don't "play the game" right or aim only for the top-tier sororities and end up disappointed. I know it hurts to get cut by all the "popular" sororities, but be realistic. If you're an average looking brunette with average grades, average activities, an average bank account and average clothes (no matter what your mom says), you didn't stand a chance at getting a bid to the sorority that only takes beautiful blonde 4.0 pre-med beauty pageant humanitarians from the wealthiest suburb in the state. You've been kidding yourself if you thought otherwise. Try, try again?: COB can be a fantastic option for PNMs who had unsuccessful formal recruitments, and I highly recommend it, if you can have a mature and graceful perspective on the process. This means swallowing your pride -- go back to chapters that dropped you, or that you dropped after the first night! Yes, as MANY as you can....even the lower tier chapters. No, they don't hate you. No, the chapter is not going to talk about what a desperate loser you are for showing up after you were one of 500 PNMs they dropped after the first night. Show grace, poise, and a general willingness to "wipe the slate clean." Drop all the notions you developed about sororities during formal recruitment. I've often said this but PNMs AND chapters are allowed to shine during COB in ways that they can't during 15min FR parties. Try to see the chapter with new eyes; they're most likely returning the favor in spending more time to get to know YOU. If rerushing or COBing, don't make the same dumb mistakes: If you've been cut by every chapter once during FR, don't KEEP setting yourself up for disappointment. Figure out what you've done wrong and what you can do better. Ask your most brutally honest friend to help you out. Do you talk too much? Are you a bad listener? Do you nervously laugh at inappropriate times? Is your voice too loud, or are you so shy that you come across as having the conversation skills of a mouse? Are your clothes smelly? Has some girl in your hall shit-talked about you to a bunch of sorority members because you slept with her boyfriend? Finding out what you did wrong or how you can improve can better inform your strategy for how you'll conduct yourself during rerushing or COB parties. And for the love of god, DON'T just go to one COB party for the highest tiered chapter holding COB. Don't hate on Greek Life Becoming anti-sorority in the wake of being released from FR just makes you look like you've got a raging case of the jealousy virus. Sour grapes are never attractive. If XYZ dropped you, talking crap about them does not help you "save face," it just makes you look juvenile. If you realize sorority life isn't for you after all, then that's great! Move on with your life and don't dwell on the disappointments. Moving on: Get involved with clubs, meet people (how do you think re-rushers have successful second recruitments? THEY GOT OUT AND MET SORORITY WOMEN!), put your money where your mouth is about how much you loooooove philanthropy and volunteer for non-sorority philanthropic efforts on campus, study hard, pick your major, start a workout plan, do some research with a professor, get a boyfriend, get a job.... keep your life busy and you'll be that much more comfortable in your own skin. Maybe you'll even decide you're having so much fun at college that the idea of a sorority loses its appeal. Maybe you'll want to be in one even more. The bottom line is that YOU and ONLY YOU are responsible for your happiness in a given situation. Life doesn't stop because you got dropped from sorority recruitment, and college is not going to suck just because you didn't get a bid the first time you rushed. Life is what you make of it, so dry your tears and get back in the game. Rejection can only make you stronger, and this is not the last time you'll ever be this disappointed. Think of this experience as a class in the School of Life, and allow yourself to learn from it instead of fighting it. |
Major snaps to AChiOhSnap for that amazing post. Maybe we should sticky that. And add a thing in about how none of us know why you got cut so stop asking and stop calling the sorority women who cut your daughter bitches.
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I guess it's weird that I'm quoting you. I'm just saying that although the tone was excessive, I agreed with the sentiment although the original post was a good one. |
Quantitative Factors vs. "Soft Factors"
Sororities have a limited number of open seat to offer in a new member class. They will seek to fill these with the women whom they feel present themselves as the strongest candidates. The strongest candidates (at most campuses) will be composed of: 1) Freshmen (and possibly Sophomores, depending on the school) 2) With Top GPA's 3) and Sorority Recommendations Soft Factors for consideration (where Grades/Recs/Class rank are equal to the other PNMs) include (in no particular order): A Great Personality, Legacy Status, Extracurriculars, The Wow Factor (truly extraordinary talents or accomplishments) When the Top 3 factors are weak or nonexistent, the soft factors matter a lot less. Soft Factors will almost never mitigate lower grades, lack of recs, etc. Rush Early, Not Often There is a law of diminishing returns with respect to when you rush. Freshmen have the greatest chances of being bidded. Plus, the more times you rush, the lesser your chances. You are meeting roughly the same women in the same sororities over an over again, with some variable (often insignificant) factors. If you have been denied your Top Choice one or more times, ask yourself why you are re-rushing. Have you changed so drastically in one year? And if so, why? Is that change truly to your benefit or something you have done in an effort to be accepted? And if so, are you being true to who you really are? Why There is No Feedback on Why You Were Cut There are no "make-ups" or opportunities to learn why you did not "make the cut" at a particular sorority. The sororities are not required to discuss this with you nor will they make an exception and discuss this matter with you. Sorority membership selection is privileged information known only by the collegiate members who are actually performing the selection. Alumnae and members at other colleges have no information regarding specifics to your recruitment. If you are cut by a sorority, you have no alternative other than to accept it and move on. Period. Why You Should not Cut Yourself From Recruitment You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by staying in recruitment through preferentials. In addition, by taking a bid, you have a 5-8 week opportunity to observe the sorority and get to know all of the members in more normal circumstances as a trial period before committing to lifetime membership. If the experience is really not worth the effort, at least you can say with certainty that you did try. Alternatives for Women Released From Recruitment If you truly maximized your opportunities, attended all the parties you were invited to and STILL were not offered a sorority bid, you will have fewer options following formal recruitment but it is still possible to join a sorority. Investigate COB opportunities by contacting the Office of Greek Life (or equivalent) at your college. As with formal recruitment, it is not a guarantee you will receive a sorority bid through COB. But if you want to join a sorority, this is the best way to exhaust your options. If formal recruitment and COB do not work out for you, you should accept that sorority life is not a good fit for you at this university, and move on with your life. This adjustment or realization may be particularly hard, and you should do what you feel is necessary to get on with your life. Sorority Women WorldWide Have Nothing to Do With Your/Child's Cuts Sorority women will attest that being a member of a sorority has enriched their lives and brought them great friendships. But sorority women will also attest that the experience of being at college and being involved with the university on several levels (not just Greek Life) has brought them this same satisfaction. Please don't hate or ridicule sorority life or the particular chapter that did not offer you membership. It accomplishes nothing. Please be encouraged, whether or not you join a sorority, to find a niche for yourself at your university. Your goal as a college student is to challenge yourself and your mind in furtherance of your career goals and personal growth. This can be accomplished in many, many ways. Sorority life is just one, and an activity worth looking into. But there are many ways to find personal happiness and satisfaction at your university. Leave no stone unturned. Good luck to all! |
Great post! What more could be said?
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At a big recruitment, if you don't match and then choose to COB, you really DO have a clean slate. Unless there is some blatant reason why you did not get a bid (grades, no-rec from an alum), the actives very likely do not even remember you, or why you were released. If you were truly a girl who "slipped through the cracks", they will be thrilled to have a second opportunity to meet you.
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This is an echo of DeltaBetaBoy's post, but I think that there should be a reminder that at the most competitive schools, the girls spend about all day doing the parties and stay up sometimes into the wee hours discussing which girls to invite back. A lot of times, if few members have strong feelings yay or nay about a girl, a girl might only get discussed for a minute or two so it is not like the entire chapter made the concerted and deliberate attempt to keep you (or your daughter) out of their organization. Maybe you (or your daughter) looked a little tired that day by the time you got to XYZ's organization and because of that she was less than memorable to the actives around her. A lot of actives are trying to remember the names and faces of about 20 girls a day -- a feat challenging on a good day. Who knows, but it isn't as if the girls are able or have time to do a line by line recount of a conversation they had with you (or your daughter) and deconstruct from it what kind of person you are.
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Discussion of PNMs? That may be more about any sorority's selection methods than I should know.
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Oh, I've said to much. |
Ooh a sorting hat? Like in Harry Potter? Wouldn't it just be easier if a PNM could put on a magic hat and be automatically sorted into her sisterhood?!
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LOL, I wish we had a sorting hat, but seriously, if your sorority makes decisions by discussion, I'm betting that isn't supposed to be public information, not like, "Our minimum GPA is this, and you must be enrolled at a 4-year college, and you must be female." I could be wrong; what your org says is OK to discuss may be different than what mine says. But as far as Alpha Xi Delta is concerned, the process of membership selection is completely secret. Maybe we talk to consensus; maybe we have a mathematical equation; maybe we vote y/n; maybe our VP for membership decides single-handedly; maybe we have a dart board. Maybe we discuss and then vote and then the president has veto power, unless it's the third week of the month, in which case we pick 'em alphabetically. All that's public is that we follow NPC and campus rules regarding rush.
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I would be shocked and appalled to hear that ANY sorority released PNMs without even discussing them in the sense of asking the sister who talked to them what she thought. |
i think the best thing about ms is that noone knows how more than one group does it. so i know how chi omega does it, but im in the same position as the pnms and their moms about all the other groups out there. ill never know why i got cut by xyz when i was rushing either. so we could speak for our own groups (although none of us would im sure!!) but no other group. who knows...we could all have the same procedure or all have different ones...i guess the world will never know!
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i think the difference between this thread and the one begun by ladylonghorn is that this one has remained civil. folks have had discussions and exchanged ideas in a respectful manner and not insulted anyone.
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no need for you to clarify, but i probably should have clarified too-i meant the original post, not what you said, was mean.
now i am going to watch the amazing opening ceremonies of the olympics-go usa!! |
I can tell you what my HS BFF did. During our senior year in HS we talked a lot about college and where we wanted to go. I wanted to go to Dartmouth but was wait listed. She wanted to go to Davidson but couldn't afford it. We were in agreement on one thing, anywhere but Georgia Tech. She went to UGA and was released from recruitment. Now she is transferring to GT in the fall. I am not sure if being released had anything to do with it but she went from being so excited about UGA to an UGA hater almost overnight.
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Any Chance
we can get back on track with this thread? I know most of the alumnae dont need the advice, but pnms and pnm parents find the constructive advice helpful. (including helicopter moms)
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co sign I respect all of the opinions above - heck that is what GC is all about. However, it has also been freely expressed, especially by more experienced GCers to "noobs" that if you disagree with the direction of a thread, don't respond. It seems there are a lot of posters who disagree with the thread yet won't follow their own advice. ducking my head now... |
Going back to the original topic, I'd like to offer some advice if not a plea to moms, sisters, grandmothers, aunts and other concerned Rec writers:
As a sister I'm sorry if your PNM was dropped. As an advisor, I beg you please don't call the chapter, advisor(s), Inat'l, Panhellenic or the University and pitch a fit. Please don't threaten to resign your lifelong membership or stop contributing to the GLO/Foundation/University over this. I'm sure your PNM is a fabulous person, but in a large competitive recruitment there are 100's of fabulous PNMs with Recs and (in our case) tons of legacies. We can't extend bids to all of them because there are simply too many. I'm sorry your PNM wasn't one of the ones chosen. Please remember membership selection is confidential -- even from alumnae. We cannot tell you why your PNM was released. As an advisor, I can only assure you that Inat'l and NPC policies were followed. |
FWIW - I was dropped by a chapter to which I was a direct legacy. It might have been because I was rushing as a sophomore after transfering from another school, it might have been because I burst into tears at the second party because I had just learned my aunt had died, it might have been because I unknowingly wore almost the same exact dress as the Gamma Phis had chosen, it could have been that I was a drama major, and there are some chapters who have concerns about that, it could have been any number of things. I was tempted to drop out of rush entirely, but I knew as a sophomore I would not have many options.
I pledged Gamma Phi, and never looked back. I did all I could to make myself worthy of the trust Gamma Phi placed in me when they gave pinned me with those brown and mode ribbons and the crescent pledge pin. I can also report that my mother sat next to a friend and sister of this legacy chapter at my graduation. As I was brought forward to receive the Outstanding Senior Woman Award for my class, she turned to my mother and said, "How did we miss that girl during rush?". :) If you don't receive an invitation from a chapter with whom you are a legacy, or with whom you were certain you clicked, don't lose faith. It may be that you were meant to be somewhere else. I always advise young women going through recruitment to think - wouldn't you rather be in a group that really wants you, as opposed to throwing yourself against a brick wall of women who, however popular or cool they may be, do not love you the way your sisters should? Read the many recruitment story threads that show women who wound up in a totally different house than they imagined they would at the start of recruitment. Try to be open minded, and look for the place where you will be most at home. |
Great post SWTXbelle!
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First of all, this thread was only reactivated after LadyLonghorn's thread was moved. Secondly, the reason why this thread was still around was, as I said, at the time it was created things were different around here and until it was bumped, there was no reason to remove it.
If you think out of fairness this thread should be closed, too, I'll do it. I'm looking into who, and why, LL's thread was moved. I was not involved in the decision, actively or otherwise. |
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As far as LL's thread is concerned, I was unaware of the controversy as I've not been around much except to handle Reported Posts and ban spammers. By the time I got to my inbox with the reported posts from LL's thread, it had already been archived. |
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This one deserves a bump for the 2009 season (there are some REALLY good posts here). Esepcially this one by AChiOSnap:
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And remember that rejection works both ways. I was always disappointed when a PNM who I thought was a best fit for us chose another sorority.
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Sure, but this is kind of an irrelevant point when it comes to PNMs who don't get bids. This thread is geared toward those PNMs (not sorority members). It means nothing to a PNM who didn't get a bid if one would say "But look at all the sororities who didn't get all the girls they wanted." That PNM is not going to care about that. Why not? Because even if chapters don't get all of the girls they want, at least those girls are IN a sorority. |
I agree, KSUViolet06, and this is a good bump.
But I do think phimusam has a point - and it would probably make a good thread after recruitment - it just doesn't belong in this thread. |
[QUOTE=SWTXBelle;1693528]
If you don't receive an invitation from a chapter with whom you are a legacy, or with whom you were certain you clicked, don't lose faith. It may be that you were meant to be somewhere else. QUOTE] This exactly! During my recruitment I was dropped by a chapter I was a legacy to, and wasn't particularly thrilled with my invitations for the day. After a good long cry to my recruitment counselor she told me this (at least this was the gist of it): "So what if ABC & XYZ didn't want you? Heck! ABC & XYZ didn't want me either. But I stuck with it, no matter how badly I wanted to drop out, or how bad I felt on the inside, or how much I felt like I wasn't as good as all the other girls who did get invited back to ABC & XYZ. And you know what? I couldn't be happier that ABC & XYZ dropped me, because otherwise I may have never become a part of the wonderful sisterhood I'm in now!" I guess the point I'm trying to make is that a lot of other girls get dropped from houses they thought they were perfect for too. A lot of these girls end up as amazing sisters of other houses, who couldn't be happier, because they didn't take themselves out of recruitment. |
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