My daughter is devastated and I don't know what to do
 

Heya y'all,

My daughter tried to rush a SEC school and ended up cut from her legacy house and then decided to drop out of recruitment. She was so set on going to my house that she had blinders on and was heartbroken when they didn't invite her to pref.

I tried to prepare her for cuts because I know huge cuts can happen but she took that one cut much more personally than I thought she would. I didn't realize she had fallen in love with the house so much and I hope I didn't set her up for unrealistic expectations. She's attending my alma mater so I felt like this should have hurt me more than it hurt her, but I've volunteered with local chapters for a while and see how they can change over time and I understand not everyone fits in at their mom's chapter.

My daughter is devastated and I'm at a loss at how to help her with her feelings. It's heartbreaking to watch your child be so sad and there isn't anything you can do about it.

I am sure you are hating this for her as we all want our children to settle into school with a great start, but this is one of those times in life that will help her be a better person going forward (even if she is not feeling that way right now). I would encourage her to get involved in other activities around campus and focus on getting to know other people through these groups and activities. I know several girls who re-rushed (at prominent, competitive recruitment SEC schools) and were successful the second time around. Many times I feel this is because they get to know girls in different groups, then those girls can go to bat for them when they go back through the process. Plus, it is an opportunity for your daughter to see a group she may actually fit in better with for the future. I hope she can make peace with her bad experience and use it as a growth opportunity for next year! Best wishes!!!

I'm sorry to hear that!

Give her time to be upset.

If you're close enough to drive down, maybe take her to go do something fun that has zero to do with anything Greek Life.

Don't push the "Why don't you COR or rush next year?" issue (if that is even an option. I don't know what school you're at.)

You hit it.

"There isn't anything you can do about it."

She made her choice not to be greek.

If she is planning to re-rush, have her sign up for COB (open rush, as we called it back in the day). And if you're talking about next year, she needs to make as many sorority friends as possible and get high grades. It helps to join clubs that have a lot of Greek members!

And I wouldn't want to be TOO enthusiastic about this, but growth is exploding at virtually all of the SEC schools. There may well be a colony on the horizon. And the SEC is also good about upper classmen quotas. If she tries again next year (with a bit more open mind - I wouldn't expect your chapter to change their mind) it is not a deal-breaker.

But I wouldn't be cramming all that down her throat right now. Give her time to heal on her own, make friends in the various chapters, etc. She'll discover that the best and worst really are not that far apart, that rush is a bubble and she really took it more seriously than she needed to. But saying that out loud right now might cause you to lose a limb.

Informal rush would be a great option if she is still interested. Formal rush at an SEC can be a whirlwind...er tornado. lol Informal is a WAY more laid back process and IMO lets you get to know the sisters better. As long as she's open minded as to orgs, she prob would do well.

What a terrible shame that she dropped out of rush when she still had invitations :(

Yes, some girls might have a successful attempt their sophomore year, but at the most competitive schools, that is more the exception than the rule. Even upperclass quotas can be iffy. Chapters MAY utilize them, but they do not have to.

You have a great attitude about the whole thing, Heartbrokenmom. I am really sorry that this happened to your DD. She made the choice and she has to deal with the results. After she has had a chance to grieve the loss, encourage her to get involved in other activities. There will be plenty of other things to do!

Can you tell us which school so we could tell you whether they have a new sorority coming and if they currently have sophomore quota?

So sorry to hear that she's devastated at the moment. I think when all settles down she will decide to go back through and look closely at the other groups. By then she may see that the other houses could even be a better fit for HER.

According to irishpipes’ chapter listing thread, these are the upcoming SEC colonizations.
apologies for any missed colonization

Alabama – open for expansion
Arkansas – n/a
Auburn – Delta Phi Epsilon, Sigma Sigma Sigma to present (unknown date for colonization)
Florida – Gamma Phi Beta (2015), Alpha Phi (2017)
Georgia – Delta Phi Epsilon (2015), Alpha Phi (2017)
Kentucky – Alpha Chi Omega (2015), Gamma Phi Beta (2017)
Louisiana State – Alpha Delta Pi (2016)
Mississippi – Alpha Phi (2015)
Mississippi State – n/a
Missouri – n/a
South Carolina – Alpha Xi Delta (2016)
Tennessee – n/a
Texas A&M – Alpha Epsilon Phi (2015)
Vanderbilt – n/a

edited to update colonization information

I am sorry. Let her talk, vent, give her space. In these large schools, during recruitment, it can seem as if EVERYONE is Greek, but in reality, most people are not. When she's ready to listen, encourage her to join something she loves, throw herself into classes/academics, and let friendships in the dorm and on campus happen naturally. COB is a possibility on some campuses, but not all.

Well stated. As we go through life we make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

AEPhi is colonizing at TAMU now! They're doing informal recruitment though.

Perhaps I am the only one who remembers the high hopes and piercing disappointments felt at age 17, 18, and 19. I have compassion for that young woman. Yes she had choices left and I cannot be hypocritical and condemn her for dropping out of recruitment because they were not her dream. We tell PNMs conflicting information when we criticize them for dropping and we also criticize them for taking a bid and either being a less than enthusiastic member, or being unhappy, when "someone else would have loved your spot."

Can't have it both ways. Surely I am not the only one who says "if I can't have that, I don't want anything. I'll live with the consequences." That's pretty much what happened here. Let her mature a little and see what happens in the next year. She needs to figure this out and her mother is there to help her. Like Anne Lamott wrote, sometimes the best thing we can say is "me too" to validate another human being in times like this.

And I reiterate my "disappointment" speech (the one where I talk about how important it is for life lessons to hit us at an early age when we are able to have support and become resilient). I'm glad that I didn't get elected cheerleader in 8th grade. It was the end of the world at the time. I was crushed. But I developed some strategies and when other disappointments came, I was able to bounce back quickly. It also helped that I didn't always come in first in a swim race. Sometimes I came in last.