FYI Disappointed Moms
 

Dear disappointed moms,

Your daughter is the whole package, and you do not understand why she didn't get a bid. Other posters remind you that pretty much all the girls going through recruitment are the whole package and then some. They also remind you that your daughter should have (if she didn't) maximized her options in terms of being open to joining any chapter at a competitive school.

I see a common thread in your posts, or perhaps what I see is lack of a common realization. Especially at state schools, there is a great deal of networking going on that you aren't seeing. If you look at the Facebook pages of active members, often they are friends with PNMs months, if not years, before they go through recruitment. They know them from camp, church, school, or family. Their moms may know each other. Or some super helpful alumna calls up her friends who are close to the actives in XYZ house at Big SEC School and puts in a good word. You must also keep in mind that, at some chapters, a good portion of the new member class spent several weekends their senior year going to College Town and hanging out with girls from their high schools in part so they could meet girls in sororities or going as dates to their older (college aged) boyfriend's fraternity formal, where they meet sorority members.

Now many girls go through recruitment successfully without networking, but for every girl at a big SEC school who does this, there are two more who happen to know, at least casually, 25% of the chapter before recruitment even begins. Sometimes this works against them, if they are prone to really trashy or bitchy shenanigans, but often it works for them. But the point is, if your daughter is coming from a small town or out of state to a state school, and she doesn't know a bunch of people in sororities already, then that may have been a factor in her recruitment results. And that isn't something to beat yourself up about. She probably was the total package, but networking worked against her.

Now this doesn't get her a bid, but hopefully it will give you perspective. Again, many girls do go through recruitment successfully without the benefit of networking. I did it as an out-of-stater at a state school. It was hard. I didn't know anybody at my school. Not a soul. My mother just didn't know anybody connected with my school, so all she could do was make sure I had recs to every house possible. I still got heavy cuts after the second round, including at one house where I was a double legacy AND the great grand-daughter of a member who had founded a chapter. I had the whole package to boot. I got cut, because even with recs, nobody knew me, and those actives already knew enough girls coming through to fill four pledge classes. Yes, that's right. A majority of the girls at that chapter went to one of three big high schools and were counselors at one of four major camps, and they knew enough girls from school and camp to fill FOUR pledge classes. At another house, I only got asked back to pref because it turned out that a girl from my high school, older than I, had transferred there and fought for me. At the house I pledged, I was a legacy through my mother, I had a rec from a member of the top leadership at the sorority's national level, and it was a house that took a lot of out of state girls. Now I could have gone to my state's big flagship school and had a much easier time with rush, since I had friends in about half the houses there, but I wanted to go to Out-of-State U, and I never regretted that decision.

It is hard going through recruitment. Nobody here can tell you why your daughter got cut from a certain house. And this is not a call for you to become creepy helimom and start friending random girls from XYZ house on Facebook or get your daughter to do so, unless she is in a position to do so (knows a bunch from camp or something) and just hasn't bothered to friend them; then it would be time to clue her in to the power of networking. Nor is this post meant to discourage moms of girls who don't have connections in sororities already - there are plenty of girls who successfully go through recruitment without the benefit of networking. But know that at some super-competitive state schools, networking is a big part of recruitment.

Best wishes.

Just out of curiosity, can you expand on this? I never had any non-Jewish friends who went to summer camp. Is it a big thing in some states?

Yes. If you look at girls camps in the Southeast (especially North Carolina) and Texas, the counselor bios often list their sorority. It isn't as if the counselors are running around camp with their letters on, but this becomes a great way to meet people outside your hometown/high school whom you will run into again (or even become a sister of) at college.

Mystic, Waldemar, Longhorn for girls, Stewart, La Junta, Longhorn for boys - Google those camp names, a predominance of Greeks at UT went to one of those camps.

Sticking this because it really explains a lot--

My husband is one of seven, and they all went to summer camp, and so far, they have all sent their sons/daughters when they've gotten old enough to camp. They're not Jewish. They live in Atlanta, so I don't know if it's an Atlanta thing or what. Tons of their friends went, too. My husband has even randomly met people well into his adulthood that he went to camp with.

I went to camp growing up in Tennessee, but not that kind of extended, long summer camp like they did. I always got homesick. :o

In addition to this, if you attend camp for most of your childhood up through high school, then you will have had sufficient time to know the girls 1-2 years older than you that also attend that same camp every year. By the time you get to college, those girls may be actives on your campus.

Glad others find it helpful. There's so much good advice that has been given on Greek Chat, but I just felt bad, seeing so many moms and PNMs come here thinking that their beautiful daughters/they were walking on to a level playing field. That just is not the case at many Southern schools, especially flagship state schools. Of course I hope this doesn't discourage girls without these connections from going through recruitment. I also know that this isn't going to help moms who then ask, "Okay, then what is it that helps "outsiders" navigate recruitment successfully?" Besides telling them that their daughters need to be absolutely outstanding to edge out all the known quantities going through recruitment, there's not much we can say. If your daughter can network gracefully (note the emphasis), then she should do so - it's a great life skill to have.

One of the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS - REGISTER WITH YOUR ALUMNAE PANHELLENIC! Many of them have informative sessions that will help you or your daughter KNOW what to expect, plus you cannot beat them for getting recs. The vast majority of our Katy TX girls are NOT legacies yet they have successful recruitments. Some of it is just that they are 'complete packages' - attractive, intelligent, involved young women -(just like all the other pnms!) but the other part is knowing what to expect and being PREPARED.

When I first moved to Mississippi for grad school, I noticed that all these PNMs from different towns seemed to know each other. I finally asked about it and the Greek Director told me all the ways that they would indeed have gotten to know each other...camp, visiting out-of-town relatives, cheer and dance workshops--the list went on and on.

Now I watch my husband's cousin's 10-year-old in Alabama and she's already doing that. By the pictures they send, I can tell that at that age, she's already creating networks various ways and I bet I can already predict the 3 sororities she's most likely to pledge if she goes to Auburn.

What can you do to meet Greeks ahead of time if you're not from in-state? Orientation is helpful to a point but also summer jobs (maybe at camps?) where you're likely to meet other university students can work; summer school is a huge help.

Actually, they do. All those party shirts and rush tank-tops? Perfect items to throw in the bag to wear all summer while being a camp counselor. Hats, visors, socks...

Not to mention that by the time you've gone through all of this many of the older girls have become dear friends. You've lived with them for a month out of each year for the last 8 summers!

Pretty much spot-on here. Many of these people know these girls on a really deep personal level before summer (before college) begins because of all these connections. I'd contend that in some chapters, you take that 200 number and raise it almost to 300. Throw in some "unknown" legacies that you'd like to keep your eye on, and you're up to your 300 very quickly.

That's also why someone who is believed to be a "grade risk" might go further in a certain chapter than someone who isn't. Doesn't happen a whole ton, but girls who are well known can "be vouched for" just generally do better. Is it fair? No, sadly, it's not.

Can it work against you if you're Annoying Annie at camp/school/softball? Yes, but more often than not it works in the PNM's favor.

Exactly. I think many people want to believe that sorority recruitment is utopian and merit-based. In that world, the absolute top girls in grades/looks/convo/extras/recs would be offered their pick of all houses each round because of their perfect-ness. Unfortunately, it's quite a bit more complicated than that.