Preffing someone you know has made their decision
 

Last yr I was rushing one girl that i had already spoken to. She came to our house and DZ for pref. I could tell that she had already made up her mind, but she really like our president and another girl who rushed her. I felt bad bc I kept repeating how great our house is, but to go where her heart wanted her. I could tell she wouldn't have fit in with our house even though she is great. I think she knew this too. She chose DZ and I think they are lucky to have her. So what do you do when you know the PNM has their mind basically made up or that you know they would be happier elsewhere?

Well I'm going through pre-rush this week, and we've been discussing lots of different situations that we may encounter... this being one of them.
We were told to be understanding about what they say.. Draw from personal experiences..."when i went through recruitment..."DON't tell them they shouldn't feel a certain way. Ask what they like about XYZsorority...then maybe tie it in to your & promote our sorority(for ex:she liked the philanthropy....talk about your sorority's philanthropy). OR promote the greek system in general.
If all else fails (an they are being snotty about it) change the subject & talk about ANYTHING else (shopping,roomates, etc) to keep it going smoothly.
Hope this helps?

The first girl I ever prefed was a girl that I was convinced was going somewhere else. I had talked to her at two of the previous parties and really liked her a lot. Not only did I have a sense that she was going somewhere else, but she was giving me a lot of short sentence answers and I kept trying to find something else to say that would spark conversation. :(

One way my chapter tried to avoid awkwardness during preference was to set up small groups during preference so that you could talk one-on-one with the pmn you were preferencing, but you were near enough to another sister and her pmn to be able to draw them into the conversation if you needed to. This works even better if you know that the pmn has a friend in her preference group; you can make sure they're next to each other and try to seal the deal with both of them. This is especially helpful if you or your pmn might be quiet and feel uncomfortable talking one-on-one.

Okay, I can only post my own experience with this, but I know that I preffed a woman whom I was sure wanted another chapter. I was very, very wrong. She was simply nervous and a quiet girl by nature. I know I did a very poor job preffing her because of my own prejudgement of the situation.
So that's my little warning, don't be so sure.
My advice is this, stay in the moment, don't worry about the future while you're in Preference. Take the opportunity to show the woman how much you feel for your sisterhood, no matter what she may do afterwards. That way you'll know that you treated your guest to the best preference experience you could give her.
As for awkward conversation, well, the best way to overcome that is to just talk about your chapter, start from the beginning of your new member experience and go over each milestone in your life with your sorority. I know that it feels like your telling it to a wall, but at least you know you did your best.
Okay, that's my two cents on the subject.

This makes me wonder--
Take AlphaSigLana's scenario but add another twist-what if she is a legacy to one of the other houses the night of pref. You KNOW she will be on top of their bid list, what would your approach be? Is she killing time? Could she be undecided? I think it might be a safer approach to rush her in the same way you would anyone, because many minds are changed or yet undecided on Pref night. Of course this is barring any blatant rudeness or disinterest on HER part

I have preffed girls who have already made up their mind before. Girls who I met at the door and they asked me "So should I wear khakis or jeans to match y'all at bid day?" and also girls who said "I was so moved at XYZ pref, and I can't wait to be in the same sorority as my mom". Usually, if a girl just flat out told me like that, I would be sort of casual about pref...like take the pressure off of them by saying "If you are hungry don't feel embarrassed about eating the food, I know that it can feel strange to eat in front of people..." Seriously, the girls would usually chow down on the pref food once they realized that they wouldn't have to feel awkward! Then we would talk about random stuff. I am a pretty good talker, so I never had a problem with it. Actually, I managed to get every girl I preffed to tell me who their first choice was (without blatantly asking....didn't want to be illegal). What I did find is that with other rushers, if they said their rushee said she was "torn", that usually meant that we weren't her first choice and she was saying "torn" to avoid telling who she liked better...

I'm all for keeping the conversation neutral if you think the girl has already decided on another chapter. And don't forget, just because she's decided XYZ is #1 on her list does not mean that she's on their first list.

Our rush advisor always warned against this type of thinking. The woman that had preffed her was 100% convinced that she didn't want to be SK. She did not ask questions. She just sat there eating the cheesecake. Turns out she was soooo sure she wanted SK that she did not have any doubts. And she was starving!

Right on, SoCalGirl!

My rusher was sure I was going to a different house. In reality, I was just so nervous I couldn't think of anything to say.

Well, three years later she is still my best friend, and we laugh about it, but it goes to show that you should never count someone out.

Every year we have women that come through that are legacies to another chapter so we might suspect they are leaning that way but you never KNOW.

I would just say that unless she is flat out rude about it (i.e. - "why the Heck would I ever want to be ABC when I am going to be XY like mom?") - to still give her the best pref you can.

So tell her about why you chose your chapter, tell her about what sisterhood means to you, tell her about what you think she could bring to the chapter or what qualities she has that would make her a great sister.

At the very least - if she does join the other chapter she will remember how friendly and sincere the ABC are and what a great sisterhood you must have. You might also be adding to the pref of the girl next to you....

In my first recruitment as a collegian, I was matched with a girl who was positive she was going DEF, not Alpha Gam. That's cool, we all find our homes! However, she was barely said a word and put in negative effort if that is possible. Was that the hardest half hour conversation of all of my recruitment time? Yep, but I learned how to carry on and stay calm and polite. It's disappointing to see PNMs act that way, but alas alack.

Also, she ended up an JKL and not a DEF- it all worked out in the end.

DON'T ASSUME SHE HAS ALREADY MADE UP HER MIND!!! I know someone who is VERY active with KD, her oldest daughter is also a KD. When it came to preference night for younger daughter most would have assumed that she would rank KD as her first choice. Not so, the young lady loved KD but her heart told her to go to the other sorority. One comment she made after she graduated was her sorority preffed her as if she was not a legacy anywhere and was a woman who they could see fitting perfectly with their sisterhood.

DaffyKD

I'd love to hear more feedback on this.

I was one who really, really loved both of my pref groups and would have been thrilled with a bid from either. After vacillating back and forth, it wasn't until I finally filled out my card for Chi Omega, which I did receive a bid from! It wasn't until I went to our house for Bid Acceptance that I learned that they had thought I would pledge the other group. I would never have guessed that at the Chi Omega preference party.

As an active, we always were as attentive to each and every PNM who came to our Pref. party regardless of whether they were a legacy elsewhere, had been rushed heavily by another group whose Pref. they were also attending, were rushing with a friend who was leaning to another house, or any other possible reason. They were all our guests who chose to pref us!

I'm of the opinion that unless a PNM explicitly states to you "I have preffed XYZ and I will be listing them first and I am a legacy guaranteed a bid" that you should pref them like nobody else has, so to speak. You never know how one party can change someone's mind, and even if they don't join your chapter they'll still remember how gracious you were during the parties.

My daughter just finished her second rush as an active and dealt with an extremely rude PNM who was a legacy at a sorority that often "cross-prefs", if that's a term, with my daughter's chapter. Apparently she knew the legacy rules and informed her pref girl that she was first on the other group's list, was tired of recruitment, and didn't understand why she should waste her time at this house. The rusher signaled to my daughter she needed help, and although my daughter can make easy conversation with anyone, the PNM refused to make eye contact and sat silently with her arms folded. I told her that was probably a rush violation but she said they were all too tired and excited about bid day to deal with it!

Adding to this, one of the things my Pref rusher said was to look around to the other PNMs at the Pref Party, as they could become my sisters.

I always thought that, even when you suspect the PNM is leaning another way, it doesn't hurt to have friends in other houses. Unless they're seriously rude, I'd treat them just like any other PNM at Pref.

If a PNM has SERIOUSLY made up their minds before Pref, is it wrong for them to very graciously and politely make that known to the group they do not prefer? As a member, I would rather know that, so that we don't waste a spot on our first bid list on a girl whose heart is elsewhere.

I realized last year that women going through recruitment are totally different than 20 years ago. I would NEVER have told someone I had my heart set on somewhere else as I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Last year at my alma mater, we had a young lady who was a legacy going through who we loved. The day before pref she sends a text to our VP Recruitment and says "don't invite me back; I'm not coming to you as I found my home somewhere else." Little did she know we had already sent our lists in and so she was coming to our pref. When bid day came, she was on our list, and we were shocked...and I guess so was she, because she immediately turned down the bid and went home. We later found out she was promised a bid at her other preference, but obviously, for one reason or another, she wasn't high enough on their list and thus ended up with us. I still sorta chuckle about it.

Although PNMs have the most power in the sorority-PNM balance after pref, I still wouldn't say anything that could be interpreted as negative at a preference party. God forbid the other chapter bid promises or just sweet-talks a PNM into wanting to be there, there's still no guarantee of a bid. Some orgs also don't score PNMs after preference round, so unless something truly horrific happened that wouldn't impact where she landed on the list.

I had that happen to a gal who I knew had kept us on the list the entire time because of her proximity to her sister's chapter that it was a foregone conclusion she would be joining (I grew up with them so I knew the whole deal and her chances which was 100% with Gamma Phi). I told her I understood but in case something unexpected happened or if she has a change of heart to know that we like her and would welcome her into our sisterhood. It was before electricity so I can't say exactly what I said and hopefully not as awkward as what I just stated but in short - If you don't get your first choice, please know you'll be welcomed with open arms by us. And then just, you know, change the subject and chat. At least you can send her away with positive feelings about your chapter for when she's telling the story later.

I am a KD. I had one particular rush where I felt like I couldn't have rushed better for ZTA if I was standing in their living room, because the majority of the girls I preffed went there. The thing is, some of those girls became great friends. I ended up hanging out more at ZTA than a lot of folks would expect for a KD, and the girl I was most heartbroken to see join ZTA instead of KD later confessed that she was so grateful I remained a good friend because her first year at ZTA was extremely difficult.