Trying to feel comfortable in new sorority
 

Hi! I have been reading these forums for a while now trying to help my daughter get ready for sorority recruitment. She had a pretty good recruitment until the last day. In the end, she did not get her first choice and doesn't feel comfortable in her new sorority. Yes, she rushed at a very competitive school and should be happy with any bid, but she really loved one and went to their preference party and got her hopes up for that one. She is still talking to the girls in that sorority, texting, etc. She just wasn't high enough on their bid list apparently. Anyway, she wants to love her new sorority, but doesn't. Have any of you been in a similar situation and what made you grow to love your sorority? What do you love about being Greek? Thanks for your advice?

I don't know what others might say but I would turn this around 180 degrees.What is it about her that made THEM want her? Made THEM love her? Made THEM think she could contribute something special to THEIR chapter? Made THEM put her high enough on THEIR list? What was so special about her to THEM? And what should she do to honor that? Love takes time. She should focus on getting to know them enough to like them and get to know them.

She is NEVER going to be happy in the group she got as long as she is focusing more attention on the group she didn't get. Put it to her like this: imagine a guy asked you to the prom, you accepted, and then spent the whole time talking to another guy. That's what she is doing. No one said you can't have friends in other sororities. But now is the time when she should be getting to know the girls in HER sorority. The girls in the other group, especially if they're upperclasmen, should back off and let her do this as well.

Mom... how many days has she been a new member of this chapter?? It takes TIME! She has no option to go join another group for at least a year, so she might as well focus on her sorority. I hope you will tell her to appreciate what she has. Her sorority wanted her!! The other chapter... not so much.

I hope it won't come to this, but she might as well get to know her new sisters and participate for the next 6 weeks. If she wants to, she can depledge before initiation and try to rush again next year. Understand that it would be a huge uphill climb to be offered another bid next year.

The choice is likely the sorority she is in now or no sorority at all. I can't tell you how many women come to love their 2nd or 3rd choice and realize that it was the perfect place for them after all.

Read this thread.

I didn't get my first choice. It gets better.

Wise counsel from all my Panhellenic sisters. I want to reiterate that as long as she continues in contact with her friends in her top choice and lusting after that chapter, she will not be happy with the sorority that did want her. Her best bet is to concentrate on HER chapter, specifically her pledge class, which at a competitive U, will have a big enough mix of girls to find a friend, no matter what her interests are. Walk with some pledge sisters to the house, invite them to study, or go get coffee or ice cream with them. Go to the house for her meals, or sit with sisters in the cafeteria. She has to make a concerted effort to even begin to feel comfortable in any new situation. New members do not automatically feel a part of the sorority in the beginning. Some girls are just better at faking it until the true feelings develope.

Thank you all for your responses! I think that is all very good advice. I hope she will find people she will click with in her own sorority. I really hoped we wouldn't be in this situation at the beginning of her college experience and it is hard to be so far away. Her roommate got her top choice (she was a legacy) and she is having so much fun with her sorority already. They had their first exchange last night. Meanwhile, my daughter's sorority is spending their time doing COB, so they haven't done anything yet that will strengthen or grow their sisterhood. But you are right, it has only been days since bid day and there is a lot she hasn't experienced with them yet.

I agree with her that the majority of the girls in her sorority are not like her, but with such a large group of girls, surely there are some that are. I'm just worried about her right now and hoping she finds her place soon.

This sounds very much like my daughter's early experience. She accepted a bid from her second choice and was lukewarm from the start. Her Bid Day experience was difficult because girls were ecstatic and she was still pining for the one that got away. Additionally, she was a bit overwhelmed getting settled with college classes, a big campus and lots of other new things - she just didn't have much emotional energy for falling in love with her sorority.

Every phone call home was full of doubt and I just kept advising her to hang in there, attend every single thing that she could, accept every invitation to join sisters in activities and to quit comparing herself to those joyous, gushy pledge sisters because to be honest, she isn't the gushy type about anything!

Bit by bit, she began to love her sorority and made dear life-long friends! She never did gush - that isn't her style, but she can't imagine her life without her sisters.

I think that sometimes the talk of "I found my home" and "I love my sisters!!!" is just too much hype for young women that are more reserved or slow to warm up. Help your daughter by keeping her expectations realistic. Hopefully, she will settle in!

A big hmmmm? to the statement in bold.

As others have said, your daughter needs to dive head first into her sorority. She needs to make an effort. I know she's your daughter and you want her to be happy, but life is going to throw disappointing situations her way, and she won't always get her first choice, but she needs to find a way to make her own happiness. She needs to give her chapter a chance.

Tell her to look at COB as a great opportunity to a) work with her new sisters, b) help grow the sisterhood, and c) find potential members that she likes and wants to be part of her chapter.

Being part of a sorority is hard work, and I don't just mean in terms of building friendships. There are going to be challenges to overcome and disputes to settle. It's not all ice cream cones dancing on rainbows. And I know from her perspective, it looks that way when she sees members of her top choice around campus. But I promise you, they're not perfect. They have their own problems. And on top of that, they didn't pick her to be their sister.

Your daughter needs to try to connect. And if she truly makes an effort and after six weeks, she's still not feeling it, she can drop before initiation. But she should keep in mind that this may be her only opportunity to be a part of an NPC sorority.

Try to get her to look at the positives and make friends with her new sisters.

Good luck to you both! :)

The hard reality is that first-choice sorority had a chance to invite your daughter to join, but they did not. As with life, things don't always go as wanted or as planned. Like everyone else, after graduation, this experience will likely be repeated again and again when she starts a career. What is important is that she got her bid invitation on her own merit. She has been given a great opportunity with her new sorority and should be encouraged to make the most of it.

I do caution her not to pine about or hold out hopes for the sorority that passed her over. My wife had a roommate who kept going through rush in an attempt to get a bid from this one sorority. The roommate had "friends" in the sorority who kept encouraging her. This girl went through rush three times, never got a bid and never did join a sorority.

Almost.

If they invited her to pref, she was *somewhere* on their bid list(s), just not high enough to match.

No need for her to stop keeping in touch with the friends in the first-choice group, but she needs to see them as "friends" and not as a symbol of something she does not have.

Thank you! I appreciate everything you all have said. I am trying to get her to focus on the one she got. I don't think it's true that her 1st choice just passed her over. With bids being guaranteed to both legacies (who put it down as 1st choice) and those who only had that one party to go to, it doesn't leave as many spots for everyone else. They did invite her to preference, so they did see something in her that they liked. I think she is wishing that she had let her 2nd and 3rd choice know during the 3rd round that her heart was somewhere else. Then, maybe they wouldn't have invited her back for preference and she would have gotten her 1st choice. But, we didn't know how it all works and she was open to everyone. Plus, I don't think she could have done that. Now, it is what it is and she needs to keep an open mind about the one she has.

I have done some research on it and it is very strong nationally. Maybe if she gets more involved, she can help contribute to making it a stronger sorority at her school All of the girls I met were so sweet and seemed truly happy to have her there. She is not ungrateful for what she has. Just sad for what she didn't get. I want her to love her sorority. Otherwise, it's not worth the time and the money. My husband and I have stressed to her that sorority membership is for a lifetime, so to look at the whole picture and not make a decision to drop without some serious thought.

Thank you, DGTess. I think that is actually what helped make her feel better. Knowing that the girls who rushed her in that house really did want her, but there just weren't enough spots. So, it isn't really a rejection. It is just a disappointment. And hopefully she'll meet some great friends in her sorority. I just hope it happens soon, so she can be happy and start thinking about something else!

Another thing for her to be cautious of (because she is still talking to members of her top choice): if your daughter ultimately chooses to drop her current sorority, don't let it be because of anything members of her top choice said to her.

In other words, make sure no one is promising her that if she rushes again she'll get a bid from them. I don't know the membership selection practices of other sororities or chapters, but it is safe to assume that one member does not make the final membership selection decision by themselves. There are many things that factor into the process, and the last thing your daughter would want is to drop because someone told her she's "guaranteed a bid", only to have her end up disappointed on bid day.

If she drops, the only guarantee is that she'll be taking a risk.

First off, not all groups have a legacy guaranteed bid policy - even if they are at pref - so unless you saw that written on a website or policy handbook, I wouldn't assume that was a factor.

As far as girls with only that sorority left "edging out" your daughter because of guaranteed bids, that doesn't sound right either. Someone on here more versed in dealing with guaranteed bids and QAs will be able to explain that far better than I can.