"Dear Red States..." A Letter From The Blue

[RedRoseSAI]

DISCLAIMER
A friend forwarded this to me, and I think it's funny. Before the flames start, let me say that I'm an independent, and I'm sure the red states could come up with an equally funny "letter". If anyone knows of one, feel free to post it here.

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Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

[AlphaFrog]

Ok, I'm generally conservative...but I find this hilarious. I guess maybe because I try to stay out of party things, so I can laugh at things from both sides.

[DeltAlum]

Pretty funny.

[preciousjeni]

hmmm...

[hoosier]

If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys
no leaky borders
plenty food from the midwest grain belts and FL
lots of seafood
probably 85% fewer abortions
lower taxes, more business growth
Southwest Airlines
real BBQ
Fort Knox
real college football and tailgating
Terapin Beer
Jack Daniels
Jeff Foxworthy
Duke basketball
Grand Ole Opry
Daytona 500
GA Peaches

[BobbyTheDon]

Ok this is stupid.

Why would cool states like California, Oregon and Hawaii want to be associated with Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota and whatever crap. We don't want to be part of the North East.

You notice that most of the cool shit you named is California? You can have your Harvard. We all know that school is overrated anyways.

The three of us will form our own alliance called the " Screw all of you" Country.

(ETA: Sorry, I forgot Washington. Washington is part of us as well)


(ETA again: We'll also take Colorado)

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
Ok this is stupid.

Why would cool states like California, Oregon and Hawaii want to be associated with Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota and whatever crap. We don't want to be part of the North East.

You notice that most of the cool shit you named is California? You can have your Harvard. We all know that school is overrated anyways.

The three of us will form our own alliance called the " Screw all of you" Country.

(ETA: Sorry, I forgot Washington. Washington is part of us as well)


(ETA again: We'll also take Colorado)

That will work really well when California breaks off the coast to go hang with Hawaii.

.....Alaska can come too. :)

ETA: Wasn't Colorado a Red State in 2004? That means we get to keep the good skiing. :p

[HBADPi]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

Southwest Airlines
real college football and tailgating
Jeff Foxworthy
Daytona 500

You can keep those...and as far as 85% less abortions go please see the following:

You get a bunch of single moms.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys
no leaky borders
plenty food from the midwest grain belts and FL
lots of seafood
probably 85% fewer abortions
lower taxes, more business growth
Southwest Airlines
real BBQ
Fort Knox
real college football and tailgating
Terapin Beer
Jack Daniels
Jeff Foxworthy
Duke basketball
Grand Ole Opry
Daytona 500
GA Peaches

Ooooooohhhhhh noooooooo, we're gonna be soooooooo devastated that we don't get to have Jeff Foxworthy. :p

[WCUgirl]

Originally posted by RedRoseSAI

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
This line made me laugh so hard I snorted. Where is Brandy? LOL!

What really makes me jealous of you blue states is that you don't have hoosier. :(

[BobbyTheDon]

Originally posted by Lindz928
That will work really well when California breaks off the coast to go hang with Hawaii.

.....Alaska can come too. :)

ETA: Wasn't Colorado a Red State in 2004? That means we get to keep the good skiing. :p

Colorado a red state? Meh. We don't need them anyways.

We'll stick with Cali, Hawaii, Oregon, and Washington. ALaska can be part of Russia.

the Blue states will implode because the Northeast will realize that the midwest states are nothing without them. So they will break off. Poor ole Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois and whoever else will have to come up with a new name and will call themselves the " We like to eat Food country".

The Northeast will be called the "Annoying Chowds"



Then we'll just let everyone have a ghetto brawl


ETA: Ohhhh crap. hey, we are taking Las Vegas with us. Not Nevada but just Las Vegas. Oh and we are taking all of the hot women from Arizona. Only the hot women. So many the females from Scottsdale and what not.

[Coramoor]

If the Northeast states didn't have the rest of the country to piss off and annoy....just what would they do?

[preciousjeni]

Originally posted by Coramoor
If the Northeast states didn't have the rest of the country to piss off and annoy....just what would they do? Teeheehee!

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by Coramoor
If the Northeast states didn't have the rest of the country to piss off and annoy....just what would they do?

Um.... Eat fresh lobsters from Maine and race sailboats? :p

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
Colorado a red state? Meh. We don't need them anyways.

We'll stick with Cali, Hawaii, Oregon, and Washington. ALaska can be part of Russia.

the Blue states will implode because the Northeast will realize that the midwest states are nothing without them. So they will break off. Poor ole Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois and whoever else will have to come up with a new name and will call themselves the " We like to eat Food country".

The Northeast will be called the "Annoying Chowds"



Then we'll just let everyone have a ghetto brawl


ETA: Ohhhh crap. hey, we are taking Las Vegas with us. Not Nevada but just Las Vegas. Oh and we are taking all of the hot women from Arizona. Only the hot women. So many the females from Scottsdale and what not.

Bobby, aren't you a Republican? :confused: If I am remembering correctly, then that would mean that you might need to just move to a red state rather than stick with Cali.

[HBADPi]

Originally posted by Lindz928
Bobby, aren't you a Republican? :confused: If I am remembering correctly, then that would mean that you might need to just move to a red state rather than stick with Cali.


Lindz, the OC seems to think of itself as a seperate entity than the rest of CA. :p

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by HBADPi
Lindz, the OC seems to think of itself as a seperate entity than the rest of CA. :p

LOL. Good to know. :)

[Lil' Hannah]

Originally posted by Coramoor
If the Northeast states didn't have the rest of the country to piss off and annoy....just what would they do?

Just keep being awesome, probably.

[ADqtPiMel]

Originally posted by Lindz928
Um.... Eat fresh lobsters from Maine and race sailboats? :p

Sounds good to me. :D

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by ADqtPiMel
Sounds good to me. :D

Haha, yeah I figure most New Englanders would be happy with that.... The cool ones would be anyway.

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys
no leaky borders
plenty food from the midwest grain belts and FL
lots of seafood
probably 85% fewer abortions
lower taxes, more business growth
Southwest Airlines
real BBQ
Fort Knox
real college football and tailgating
Terapin Beer
Jack Daniels
Jeff Foxworthy
Duke basketball
Grand Ole Opry
Daytona 500
GA Peaches

But...who wants those?

[RedRoseSAI]

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
But...who wants those?


Well, I wouldn't mind the tailgating and Georgia peaches. The rest of it.....meh.

[FSUZeta]

and they need to be sure to make san francisco the capital of this new country.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Originally posted by FSUZeta
and they need to be sure to make san francisco the capital of this new country.

Does that mean instead of a first lady, the president is gonna have a first drag queen? It would certainly make things more colorful.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Lindz928
Wasn't Colorado a Red State in 2004? That means we get to keep the good skiing. :p
We have enough flatland people in our mountains who don't know how to drive in snow already.

[Coramoor]

Originally posted by Lindz928
Um.... Eat fresh lobsters from Maine and race sailboats? :p

I hope you enjoy the lobster because you won't be getting any steak or anything from the midwest anymore.

Besides...99% of the northeast probably doesn't even know what a sail boat looks like.

[AGDee]

And we've got the cars, steel, cheese, wine, NYC, LA, Seattle, and Chicago. We've got the Great Lakes. We've got mountains in the North East and North West and beaches in California. And, most importantly, we've got Motown! :)

[KABillyMac]

Dont let the door hit you in the ass.

Oh and P.S. What you should do is take your lobster, place it in a sailboat, turn the sailboat sideways, apply grease liberaly and shove them both straight......... ah nevermind.

[pinkiebell1001]

Originally posted by KABillyMac
Dont let the door hit you in the ass.

Oh and P.S. What you should do is take your lobster, place it in a sailboat, turn the sailboat sideways, apply grease liberaly and shove them both straight......... ah nevermind.


HAHA! Couldn't have said it any better myself;)

[Xylochick216]

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
But...who wants those?

Amen. None of them are that appealing to me anyways. Who is proud enough to have Jeff Foxworthy that they brag about it?

[squirrely girl]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys (I guess we'll take back the clinton administration improvements then)

no leaky borders (does that mean everybody is going to work for less than minimum wage now?)

plenty food from the midwest grain belts and FL (but not all of the midwest)

lots of seafood (with mercury poisoning from dumping)

probably 85% fewer abortions (umm yah)0

lower taxes, more business growth (nowhere to go but up when you're that low in terms of business)

Southwest Airlines (southwest is all over now)

real BBQ (i'm a vegetarian)

Fort Knox (its not like they REALLY store the gold there anymore)

real college football and tailgating (i hate sports)

Terapin Beer (huh?)

Jack Daniels (its in a dry county anyways)

Jeff Foxworthy (enough said)

Duke basketball (oh darn)

Grand Ole Opry (i'm from tennessee but please don't make me laugh)

Daytona 500 (we've still got indy)

GA Peaches (okay - i like those but we've got all the rest of the fruit, so i guess i'll live)



( ) = my additions

nothing personal hoosier - just a good laugh cause i do live in the south... ;)

- marissa

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally posted by Coramoor
I hope you enjoy the lobster because you won't be getting any steak or anything from the midwest anymore.

Besides...99% of the northeast probably doesn't even know what a sail boat looks like.

MEMO TO YOU: Wisconsin has cows. LOTS OF THEM. Cows make steak.

[RedRoseSAI]

I always thought Wisconsin cows only make cheese. You mean they can make steak too? Your cows are talented. :)

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally posted by RedRoseSAI
I always thought Wisconsin cows only make cheese. You mean they can make steak too? Your cows are talented. :)

It's that great blue state education. ;)

[JenMarie]

Who needs 100% beef when the blue states are all a bunch of liberal, vegan, hippies?

I'll just enjoy my Napa Valley wine. :)

[/sarcasm]

[lifesaver]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

1. no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys
2. no leaky borders


1. Cause where was bill clinton from?

2. Have you ever been to Texas? Seriously, our borders leak like a broken pipe. I'd bet half of south texas is here illegally.

I'm proud to be from the south, but some of those were incorrect.

[Coramoor]

Originally posted by AGDee
And we've got the cars, steel, cheese, wine, NYC, LA, Seattle, and Chicago. We've got the Great Lakes. We've got mountains in the North East and North West and beaches in California. And, most importantly, we've got Motown! :)

American cars....which suck.
Steel...the industry is going to be gone soon anyway.
Cheese...lol. maybe velveta and american, but I'd take some good french brie over that anyday.
Wine...most people don't know the difference between good wine and bad anyway. We do get whiskey though-and that makes the rest all worth it.

Great Lakes...full of mercury.

The trade offs are definitly worth it.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by Coramoor
I hope you enjoy the lobster because you won't be getting any steak or anything from the midwest anymore.

Besides...99% of the northeast probably doesn't even know what a sail boat looks like.

I'll assume your post wasn't directed at me, but just in case.... I'm from Texas, and we have our own steak. :)

[LightBulb]

You may have Motown, but we have (in addition to the Grand Ol Opry) - Graceland, Sun Studio, Stax, Beale Street... ;)

ETA: Rock n roll, blues, jazz, bluegrass, country, and rap... lemme know if I'm forgetting any

[RedRoseSAI]

Originally posted by LightBulb
You may have Motown, but we have (in addition to the Grand Ol Opry) - Graceland, Sun Studio, Stax, Beale Street... ;)

ETA: Rock n roll, blues, jazz, bluegrass, country, and rap... lemme know if I'm forgetting any


Yeah, but all the major recording labels are based in NYC or LA...

[BobbyTheDon]

Originally posted by RedRoseSAI
Yeah, but all the major recording labels are based in NYC or LA...

Exactly. And NYC and LA doesn't want anything to do with Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio or whatever state.

Typical. Those states trying to hang with Cali and NY is just like the token fat girl in the hot sorority. She is annoying and keeps saying how " we we we are so hot hot hot" but in reality everyone laughs at her because she was given a bid because the cool kids felt sorry for her.

HAHAHAHA!

The truth hurts MO FO!

[Peaches-n-Cream]

This email is about a year old.

After the election last year, I wrote that it felt like there were two countries, the United Blue States of America and the United Red States of America. I think that there are only a few states or regions that would make independent, successful countries on their own which I was going to list, but I decided against it.

It's probably better if we all just get along.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream


It's probably better if we all just get along.

I agree! There are great things everywhere! Sometimes people get too sensitive over something that is just a joke. People can talk all the shit they want to about Texas, I will still love it here!!! :D

My bottom line... I think we are all very lucky to live here. :)

[DeltAlum]

I find nothing particularly wrong with Texas, but I do have the impression that the folks that are most vocal about it being the best place to live haven't lived anywhere else.

I could be wrong.

Some day they're going to divide Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
Exactly. And NYC and LA doesn't want anything to do with Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio or whatever state.
I've lived in every one of those state, except Minnesota. Each has a fair amount going for it.

I've also spent a whole lot of time in NYC and LA and they're great places -- but have a lot of real bad points, too.

Kind of like Texas. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself)

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
I find nothing particularly wrong with Texas, but I do have the impression that the folks that are most vocal about it being the best place to live haven't lived anywhere else.

I could be wrong.

Some day they're going to divide Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.

I think people in Texas just have a lot of pride for their home state. I have visited a lot of other places, and I think that no matter where I might move, I will always come back here eventually. It is home and I fit here. :)

That last sentance made no sense to me whatsoever. :confused:

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Lindz928
That last sentance made no sense to me whatsoever. :confused:
Oh, just joking a little. As I was growing up, since Texas was the biggest state (this was before Alaska's statehood), Texans were apt to say that "everything" is bigger in Texas.

It was a slight blow to a few Texas egos when Alaska became the biggest state -- especially by such a huge margin.

Truth is that I don't really know if Alaska is twice as big, but I think the line is funny all the same.

Of course you're correct about home states, but I think many people feel a home state pride and can get put off by negative comments about their homes.

That's why I pointed out that I don't really have anything against Texas -- I just don't find it to be Utopia. It has good and bad points just like anywhere else.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
Oh, just joking a little. As I was growing up, since Texas was the biggest state (this was before Alaska's statehood), Texans were apt to say that "everything" is bigger in Texas.

It was a slight blow to a few Texas egos when Alaska became the biggest state -- especially by such a huge margin.

Truth is that I don't really know if Alaska is twice as big, but I think the line is funny all the same.

I see. Yeah, maybe I'm too young cause I gew up with the phrase" everything is bigger in Texas" (yeah everyone still says it). But, I don't think I've ever met anyone who really cared whether Alaska was bigger or not.

Though I do have the "Texas is bigger than France" sticker on my fridge that I find amusing. :p

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by DeltAlum


That's why I pointed out that I don't really have anything against Texas -- I just don't find it to be Utopia. It has good and bad points just like anywhere else.

You're definitely right about that. I grew up in one of the "bad Points". :p And then there is Houston, or as my ex called it... The armpit of America.

But, a lot of it is just great. And I love Austin!!! :)

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon


The truth hurts MO FO!

http://www.willisms.com/archives/adiosmofo.gif

HAHAHAHA!!!

[BobbyTheDon]

Don't be claiming In n Out either.

[lifesaver]

Originally posted by DeltAlum

Some day they're going to divide Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.

Watch it old man.... thats hate speech in Texas.

And yes, I am still bitter about that whole Alaska statehood nonsense. I wasnt even alive then, but I'm real mad about it. lol.

[xo_kathy]

Originally posted by Coramoor

Cheese...lol. maybe velveta and american, but I'd take some good french brie over that anyday.


Except the leaders of your red country would probaby ban all French imports so you'd be cheeseless....:p

Is cheeseless a new word I just made up?

[RedRoseSAI]

Originally posted by xo_kathy
Is cheeseless a new word I just made up?


I don't know, but I do know that cheeselessness = sadness.

Luckily, the cows in Wisconsin make more than Velveeta and American cheese. Not to mention, our Blue State leaders will no doubt be open to the notion of importing cheese from other nations.



Edited because the thought of a chesseless world has affected my grammar skills.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by lifesaver
Watch it old man.... thats hate speech in Texas.

And yes, I am still bitter about that whole Alaska statehood nonsense. I wasnt even alive then, but I'm real mad about it. lol.
See? See? I told you so!
(Gotta admit I really like San Antonio and Austin)

[lifesaver]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
See? See? I told you so!
(Gotta admit I really like San Antonio and Austin)

Its ok. Those are the only two cities with any character in the state anyway. Well, Ft. Worth does, but its just a suburb of Dallas now. El Paso does, but its pretty much the largest city in New Mexico. Dallas and Houston are pretty much the character of money. Dallas is new money and Houston is less new money.

[Tom Earp]

Tex-Ass. Staid there in Tyler when Dad was in Boot Camp. Damn did it Suck. Now has a College that is joining Greek Society!

Been to Houston and Dallas! They are Okay! Airports Suck if You have ever flown in and Out!:mad:

Would Love to Visit LifeSaver in San Antonio!:D

[USCTKE]

Originally posted by hoosier
If only it were true, the Red States of America would have:

no Kennedys, Clintons, Kerrys
no leaky borders
plenty food from the midwest grain belts and FL
lots of seafood
probably 85% fewer abortions
lower taxes, more business growth
Southwest Airlines
real BBQ
Fort Knox
real college football and tailgating
Terapin Beer
Jack Daniels
Jeff Foxworthy
Duke basketball
Grand Ole Opry
Daytona 500
GA Peaches

ok, real BBQ, real college football and tailgating, Jack Daniels, Duke Basketball (sometimes), and the Grand Ole Opry are the only things I would miss...but all I really need in life is some good music, something good to drink, and a good Carolina girl...I think the South should seceed again:D ...or at least SC should...you know what they say: South Carolina to small to be a republic, to big to be an insane assylum

[USCTKE]

oh and by the way yall can keep UGA and Clemson...no one likes them anyway

[hoosier]

Remind me, what was the UGa - USC score this fall?

What school won the SEC div., and is playing in the championship game this weekend?

We do agree on Clemson, though, although their mens soccer is pretty good.

[USCTKE]

that missed PAT and 3rd and 22 will cause us Gamecock fans pain for years to come...but you have to admit the game was far away from the 50+ blowout that some Dawg fans were calling for...as for Clemson, I'll just say that I want to puke any time I see orange (that includes Vile and Gator orange too)...and I dont know about soccer but Clemson is a golf school...I mean they have to take pride in at least one of their programs...only school in the southeast that have actually referred to themselves as a "golf school"