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1 N A million
09-08-2000, 09:41 AM
I saw this on a Christian forum and it was hilarious! Some of the things they said were outrageous. I know you all will have some outlandish things to say! One of the things that was said was you know you are in a black church when....the ushers taking up offering counts it and says, ok one more round, we need fo' mo' dollars!

DeltaDiva
09-08-2000, 11:13 AM
First I would like to say hello to all the ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha. Now, 1 N A Million you know your in a black church when... you smell chicken or fish frying when you walk in the front doors

Total Elegance
09-08-2000, 12:18 PM
You know you're in a black church when there has been a building fund offering for 50 years, and the church still isn't payed off.

You know you're in a black church if the usher hands you a Martin Luther King fan before you're seated.

You know you're in a black church when during the announcements, the cost of the plates cooking in the back are mentioned (fish, chicken and dressing, macaroni and cheese, etc.)

You know you're in a black church when you are served saltine crackers and welch's grape juice for communion.

You know you're in a black church when your feminine male choir director is always the head of the church fashion show.

You know you're in a black church when your preacher not only gives the word, but his cd is on sale in the fellowship hall after church and it's at the top of the gospel charts.

[This message has been edited by Total Elegance (edited September 08, 2000).]

Elite Ivy
09-08-2000, 12:29 PM
You know you go to a Black church when:
1.) the choir marches in;
2.) they have a building fund and don't even have plans of putting new locks on the church;
3.) somebody gets up and says, "the choir will now bring us an A & B selection;
4.) the Mother's/Missionaries sit on one side of the pulpit and the deacons/trustees sit on the other side;
5.)they take up tithes, offerings, and "PLEDGES";
6.) there's a picture of the current pastor and all other pastors that have ever pastored the church;
7.) they have a church anniversary, pastor's appreciation and everybody else who holds a position has an appreciation/day(ushers, musicians, deacons, etc.);
8.) you walk around the table for the "public offering";
9.) they vote members into the church; and
10.) you get an invitation from other church for an activity they're having and they request that two of your church members BY NAME represent your church. If they can't attend please send two representatives of your choice.

I could go on and on this one. Black churches, be they: Baptist, Methodist, Pentocostal, Apostolic, etc., you GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!

Catwoman
09-08-2000, 12:40 PM
You know you are in a Black church if the tithe/offering envelope has a box to check marked "Post Dated Check"

Last week our choir sang at a church and I picked up an envelope off the seat before I sat down...I looked at the envelope and almost laughed out loud!

1 N A million
09-08-2000, 03:11 PM
When the pastor and his wife both have jeri curls and when the offering sounds like an auction.....The preacher starts off by saying I got 50.00 can I get 75, can I get 80? You know you are in a black church when the choir takes a song like Amazing Grace and remix it and it lasts about 30 minutes. And this has nothing to do with you know when, but what about 2nd Sundays and the ole' folk choir?

Taykimson
09-08-2000, 08:10 PM
Nooooo Soror Catwoman!

A post-dated box!?!? That is tooo funny.

1)You know you are in a black church if you have choir dresses made to match the Reverend's favorite robe. (Y'all know what I'm talking about. You know - you go to the cloth store and pick out a pattern and then your aunt or somebody gives you a messed up sewing job)

2)You know you're in a black church if someone gets up during service and holds up their index finger (as to say excuse me for disrupting service).

3)You know you're in a black church if the teenagers sneak out during service to go to the corner store.

4)You know you're in a black church if you have to wash feet during communion.

5)You know you're in a black church if the musician plays at the end of the sermon to emphasize the Reverend's point.

6)You know you're in a black church if you sing "All things come of thee..." to bless the offering.

7)Or if you sing "Reach out and touch, somebody's hand..." at closing.

8)If you get sick from eating at the covered-dish dinners after church.

9)There are a whole bunch of kids there that walked to church and their parents stayed at home.

10)Reverend says: God is good. Congration replies: All the time.

-----------------
Alpha Kappa Alpha
17-Alpha Phi-91



[This message has been edited by Taykimson (edited September 08, 2000).]

Resplendent_Maria
09-09-2000, 01:11 AM
LOL! You guys have said it all http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Mz. Sports Luva
09-09-2000, 01:17 AM
You know you're in a black church when "testimony service" lasts longer than the sermon.

NUPE4LIFE
09-09-2000, 01:24 AM
You know you're at a black church if:

1)Before every speech someone says, giving honor to God whose the head of my life
2)If the person who always leads all the songs in the choir (y'all know the one i'm talking about) gets up and says the Devil's busy. I started getting a sore throat after choir practice yesterday, he didn't want me to sing my song. But church I'm here to tell ya, the Devil is a liar. Then they go on to do a remix of the song. One of those 12'' murder remixes, the kind you only hear at the club.
3)The usher board got matching suits
4)The church is broken up into districts.
5)You have cakewalks for fundraisers.
6)You have Friends and Family Day.
7)I can't forget Harvest Day
8)At some point in the service you sing "What a Fellowship".
9)The choir got a routine for every song
10)The communion wine (I mean grape juice)is in a shot glass

------------------
KAPPA ALPHA PSI FRATERNITY, INC.
SPR 97
XI LAMBDA

Elite Ivy
09-09-2000, 02:02 AM
How could we forget this one, you know you at a Black church when "you're visitor and they ask you to stand, tell who you are, your church home, and your pastor's name if possible."

AKA2D '91
09-09-2000, 02:26 AM
You know you're in a Black Church when the minister has 2 churches, therefore church A has services on 1st and 3rd Sunday, while church B has services on 2nd and 4th Sunday.

You know you're in a Black Church when Vacation Bible School lasts for 2 weeks.

You know you're in a Black Church when the sister's try to outshine one another's touching by Holy Ghost/Spirit.

Shalom2U
09-09-2000, 02:51 AM
Hello Everyone:
I'm a silent forum participant but I've got to give chuckling "hellos" to everyone on the board as I wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.

OOOOOh 1NAmillion----Be Shame (As my big-momma says)! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I am currently attending an AOG congregation (relocated to a small town--in ministry--lonnng story) so you know I'm both missing my Black Church and ROTFLMHO at the same time! In fact, I'm supposed to be interceeding right now as I type. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Are we really that funny? Oh Lord, we need to repent! LOL LOL LOL

Have a blessed Weekend everyone---get to church! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Shalom!

The Original Ape
09-09-2000, 10:04 PM
When there's a big, fat sista sitting on the front row blocking everybody else's view with her fruit-bearin' hat!

Elite Ivy
09-10-2000, 04:44 PM
Hi Everyone,

I was sitting in church this morning thinking about the things that we posted on this board and it was so hard not to burst out laughing. Sitting there are thought of a few more.

You know you're in a Black Church when:
1.) the ushers stand in the aisle to direct you to a seat;

2.) the pastor tells the ushers that they may be seated during his sermon;

3.) the ushers sit and the musicians move to a seat after the pastor has announced his subject;

4.) the ushers pass out the hymnals and take them up before service is over or they ask you to leave them on the pews;

5.) the fan that they give you during service has Martin Luther King's picture on it and was donated by the local funeral home;

6.) there is a bottle of Olive Oil on the side of the pulpit;

5.) the first Sunday or whenever Communion is observed, everybody has on white; and

6.) What are these programs: 100 Women in Red and 66 Books of the Bible?

I may come up with some more a little later. I hope everybody is having a great SONday!!

[This message has been edited by Elite Ivy (edited September 10, 2000).]

AKA2D '91
09-10-2000, 08:49 PM
You know you're in a Black church when it is packed,(you can't get a seat anywhere...not even the folding chairs in the aisles..) on CME: CHRISTMAS, MOTHER'S DAY AND EASTER....

You know you're in a Black church when church starts at 11AM and ends at 3PM...

You know you're in a Black church when everyone is coughing to hide the rattling of the peppermint candy paper...

You know you're in a Black church when deacon Jones and deacon Smith get up to do the devotion and you can't understand a word they are saying...

onesavvydiva
09-10-2000, 09:29 PM
OR...during devotional @ like 10:45, the JUBILEE choir always sings: Let us go back, let us go back, back to our father's praying ground...

Or...there are a WHOLE bunch of vacant seats BEFORE Benediction, because ERR'body leaves after Alter Call.

Or...the water fountain is ALWAYS broken.

Or...the balcony is always the LOUDEST place in the church, where the pre-teens, crying babies and chatter-boxes are located....And why is it always so HOT in the balcony?

Or...you swear that is the latest R & B jam the organist is playing and the choir is HYPE...not to mention they burst out into the Reggae remix.

Or...People holding up the line at the offering plate while the deacons look through the plate to give them change.

Or...When the preacher gets GOOD into the sermon, he says..."Oh, I wish I had 10 more minutes to preach this!" And everybody is like "Take your time, Pastor...preach it!!!"

Or...The preacher says something like, "There are more demons in the pulpit than there are on the corner"...then he adds, "But I ain't talking 'bout this church!"

Or...The song isn't finished until they break it down, meaning, the organ stops, and it's just the drums, and the sopranos go first, then altos...etc.

Or...it's loud as I don't know what during the announcements. SHUT UP>>>>THIS AIN'T INTERMISSION!

Or...people give DIRTY looks at the usher because he's trying to fit 3 more people into an already overflowing pew. You just HATE when he stands next to your pew and holds up 3 fingers to his fellow usher...and all the people on that row are looking around, like where in the world are they gonna sit.

Or...people hold up that infamous one finger on their way to the bathroom.

---
Ya'll I love this thread, I LOVE my church! I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I have said enough though...See ya later, I'll add more soon.

darling1
09-10-2000, 11:01 PM
U know you are in a black church when the same folks start shouting at approximately the same time each Sunday or the 'shoutfest' last longer than the sermon itself. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif.

Total Elegance
09-11-2000, 04:07 AM
You know you're in a black church when the pastor says, "I know I can get a witness up in here."

You know you're in a black church when the congregation shouts "Preach Preacher!"

You know you're in a black church when at the end of the sermon the preacher says, "the doors of the church are now open."

You know you're in a black church when the preacher has a handkerchief in his hand and a glass of water in a wine glass on the podium.

You know you're in a black church when the secretary hands a note to the preacher and he says, "if you're driving a Lexus license plate LPO984, you left your lights on, and people driving a hoop-ride or those who walked to church leave out the like they are fooling someone.

You know you're in a black church when the choir dances in the choir stand, and even the old folks are raising the roof.

You know you're in a black church when the minister takes over a song after the sololist sits down.

You know you're in a black church when the choir starts to sing and the congregation shouts, "that's my jam right there."

You know you're in a black church when all of a sudden someone sings....I love the Lord, He heard my cry....ahhhhhh.

You know you're in a black church when the entire congregation leaves before benediction because they want to beat the traffic.

You know you're in a black church when you have 50 associate pastors and only 3 went to Divinity school.

mwedzi
09-11-2000, 03:38 PM
Oh my goodness, talk about flashbacks.

Monique
09-11-2000, 09:55 PM
Ypu know u in a black church whenn...

1. People get the holy ghost and the ushers take their time gettin to them.
2. The little old ladies try to chestize everyone..shoo be quite.
3. The deacon sings a song then everyone has to sing after him..
4. The choir sings a song and the lead person starts to add their own verses in the song.
5. They have one air condintion.
6. They put 5 dollas in the offering and ask for 4 dollas back lol.lol
7. The preacher tries to *force* everyone to come to the alter and get saved.
8. When preachers think that church is an alllllll dayyyy eventtt especially on 1st sundays.
9. lol.Preachers try to make u feel gulity cause no ones saying amen.ex*if yall was at the football game yall wouldn't be able to close ya mouth.
10. My absoulate favorite...When the preacher chestizes u in the pulpit in front of the wholeeeeeee church.visiters and all
..oh yeah.. when they think smiling or laughin in church is a sin..lol
.. these are things only we could do..lol

Sexy Mocha
09-11-2000, 10:33 PM
Now y'all know I have to get in on this one! By the way, Monique #7 is the funniest thing I've read yet! LOL!!

You know you're in a Black church when:

1) After every few minutes or so during the sermon, someone yells out "WEEEEELLLLLL"

2) the organist tries to "cut off" the person that always testifies too long by starting up a tune (just how they do on the award shows when the winner's speech goes over the allowed time)

3) there's always that one woman that testifies a little...breaks into a song...testifies some more...breaks into another song..."Giving honor to God, the passah...ya know Church...the Lord has been so good to me, and I thank Him"...(starts singing)WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERRRRRVVVE...WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE..." (testimony resumes)...this scenario is repeated until..see #2

4) there are at least 10 different offerings in the course of one day

5) people rhyme during their testimony (My church is Mt.Zion FBH church...the FBH stands for Fire Baptized Holiness. On any given Sunday, someone says "Passah, as sure as I walked through that Do... I want you and the church to know that I'm Saved...Sanctified...Holy Ghost filled...and Fi Baptized" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif

Only us Black folk can have church like this! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

exquizit
09-12-2000, 12:24 AM
I had to add this one......
You know you're in a black church when near the end of service the pastor has to say...."I know errrrbody's hongry, but nobody leave until the benidiction." http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Lynn Luckett
10-02-2000, 02:10 PM
You know you're in a black church when you look at your watch and it's 11:30 A.M., and service still hasn't started. You know you're in a black church and you look at your watch and it's 3:30 P.M. and service is not over.

Ha Ha Ha!


Conskeeted Skee Wee

Classy_Diva5
10-02-2000, 03:22 PM
You know that you are at a Black chuch (yes chuch) when:

1) the name of the chuch is
Greater St. Paul Institutional Missionary on the Road to Calvary Higher Faith Church of God in Christ

2) when the elders and the deacons/ mothers board ask your permission to whip your chile/ chillens because you cannot step down from the choir stand to do it

3) the little kids start laughin and imitatin the people who get hit with the Holy Ghost

4) they call it "Getting Happy" when you receive the Holy Ghost

5) you have to pay the "Donation" fee of $5.00 to eat the after-service dinner; but if you don't pay the "Donation" then you don't eat

6) they couldn't afford to buy sodas to go with the dinners so they bought that huge cooler with the spigot, concentrated punch mix, and it was on from there!!

7) if you got lucky, the punch had SPRITE or 7-UP mixed in with it (mmmm-mmmm GOOD!!!!)

you know that you attended a Black chuch when

8) the family members that didn't attend chuch ask you who "Got Happy"

these are just a few of the goins-on here at my chuch in California....

Classy_Diva5

ridiculous2000
10-02-2000, 05:36 PM
You know you are in a black church when the
1. Deacons always sing "A charge to keep..." We all know that they hum the whole song.
2. Choir members take their children in the choir with them.
3. Your moma or grandmama leave out the choir to pinch you for playing in church.
4. Everybody knows who food to eat and not to eat.

Eclipse
10-03-2000, 11:58 AM
Originally posted by ridiculous2000:

4. Everybody knows who food to eat and not to eat.


LOL AT ridiculous2000!! Like DL Hugley said in his HBO special "Who made the potato salad? did Big Momma make the potato salad? If Big Momma didn't make it I ain't eatin' it!!"

LOL

Eclipse
10-20-2000, 12:42 PM
A friend just sent these to me and I thought about this post...I've tried to take out the redundant ones..

You Know You're In a Black Church When...(NEW FUNNIES!!)]


3. The congregation is preaching along with the preacher!!
> >
4. When the special prayer request time is used to spread gossip!!
("I'm just mentioning it because I want y'all ta pray...")
> >
5. Mothers will be shouting the place down in the Spirit and stop abruptly to beat their child!!
> >
6. When folks wil fall asleep snore and blame it on the baby on
their lap, the child sitting next to them or an evil spirit!!
> >

10. You pass the offering plate without putting anything in it and
the usher passes it right back to you and waits for you to put something in it!!
> >
11. You testify for more than 5 minutes, the musicians will start playing shouting music to shut you up!!
> >
12. During the communion folks be grabbing extra crackers for the
kids and sipping the grape juice before time!!
> >
13. You have to shout with your pocketbook in your hand!!
> >
14. The evangelists shake under the Power and have to readjust their wigs!!
> >
15. The mothers forget their teeth and say "Let everything that
haves breasts praise the Lord!!
> >
16. The deacons sing during devotional service and you can't understand A WORD!!
> >
17. The leader forgets the lead of their song and starts shouting so they won't be embarrassed!!
> >
18. You run around the church in the Spirit, trip and fall and pretend you fell out under the Power so you won't be embarrassed!!
> >
19. There are 30 people in Sunday School and the offering was only $3.25!!
> >
20. The preacher has a cape!!
> >
21. The bishop comes to town and the necklines drop and the hemlines rise
> > (HMMmmmm)!!
> >
23. You see a publicly displayed bulletin board listing the members
of the church and the amount of their tithes and offerings!!
> >
24. A prophet is identified as the "bow legged prophet" or the "barefoot prophet" or the "singing prophet"!!
> >

26. The choir is singing a song that has "whatsonever" in it!!
> >
27. The only way you get folks to come back in the afternoon is with those six magic words: REFRESHMENTS WILL BE SERVED AFTER
SERVICE!!
> >
28. The choir sings hard before the preacher preaches and then when
it's time to sing after the preaching, there are two choir members
in the stand!!
> >

> > 32. A person dies and the family members try to climb into the
casket during the last viewing!!
> >

> > 36. Sis. Palmer gets up to lead a song and she cracks and is off key and someone in the audience shouts "Take ya time,baby...sing for the Lord!!"
> >
37. The preacher gets his whoop on and spit is flying e'rewhere!!
> >
39. Sis. Johnson gets up to make an announcement about a program
and she keeps on saying "Bear with me saints, I'm nervous!" and you're in the congregation saying "I wish she would go 'head and make the announcement and sit down!!" And the Pastor is looking around
all flustered wishing she would just wrap it up!!
> >
42. The ushers lock the front door during offering!!
> >
> > 43. The members try the ushers patience by trying to open the front
door during prayer and the usher looks back through the door window with a look like "Touch this door again and you will die"!!
> >
> > 44. You bust the back out of a tambourine you borrowed without
> > permission and try to slip it under somebody else's seat!!
> >
> >

onesavvydiva
04-29-2001, 04:53 PM
Ya'll, I had to bring this back up, I thought about this topic today.

I went to a church today, and I swear while the preacher was praying, the organist was playing 'Just Friends' by Musiq in the background. You know when the song first comes on and he's snapping his fingers and everything. I looked up and several people were jammin' like..."yeah, that's my song!" I thought that was sooooo funny b/c I couldn't even concentrate on the prayer anymore, I was trying so hard to keep from hummin along with the song!

------------------
'Cause I'm a woman,
Phenomenally
Phenomenal Woman
That's me

Maya Angelou

MeezDiscreet
04-29-2001, 06:45 PM
Originally posted by Eclipse:
43. The members try the ushers patience by trying to open the front
door during prayer and the usher looks back through the door window with a look like "Touch this door again and you will die"!!

i was an usher for several years and i know all about that!!! you'll never believe me, but i got cussed out because i wouldn't let these women in during devotion. the evil in her said "she act like she can't open the d*mn door!" I AM SERIOUS!!



------------------
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind

jali0004
04-29-2001, 09:37 PM
Ya'll, those church usher jokes are a trip....

At my church back home, there was a jr. usher board and an adult usher board...we were serious!!!

I know folks cringe when we stand next to their aisle too... "Excuse me..do ya'll think three more people could fit in this row??, Excuse me, is your fur coat holding someone's space??" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
"I am not yet the author of my life; I am still it's unenlightened protagonist"
---Unknown

crayola
04-30-2001, 03:25 AM
You know you go to a black church when the homeless man comes in and sits in the last pew. Everyone starts getting nervous http://www.plauder-smilies.de/uhoh.gif then the deacons rush over to him and take him to the "back".

[This message has been edited by crayola (edited April 30, 2001).]

AKA2D '91
04-30-2001, 08:46 AM
You know you go to a black church....

when the members of usher board #1 are the SAME people who served you your Hennessy on the rocks the night before and all the next week....

when the deacons are the same people you saw on the "dance floor" a few nights before at the club....

ALL OF THIS IS TRUE!

prayerfull
04-30-2001, 08:52 PM
I don't know about y'alls churches, but at mine, they serve REAL WINE for communion. Here's the catch though...

1. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when you see one of the church's 10 assistant ministers stopping off at the liquor store on Sunday morning to pick up a couple bottles of $1.99 BOONE'S wine for the communion wine. Now you know he picked up an "extra" bottle and saved it in his car for after church.

2. You know your're at a GHETTO black church when the pastor and his other preaching buddies roll up in church in their Sunday best pimp suits - ICED and BlINGIN' from head to toe. Why did this one visiting preachers (friend of our pastor's) roll up in the pulpit on Easter sunday in a PINSTRIPE PASTEL PINK pimp suit? Where do they even make stuff like that?

3. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when there's calendars, announcements and pictures still on the walls in the fellowship hall and sunday school rooms dating back to the 1980's.

prayerfull
05-01-2001, 01:24 AM
You know you're at a black church when...

1. On Usher Day (which seems to be held 3 times a year) the ushers break out in a STROLL. I had never seen this before, but was in awe when our ushers broke it down with their stroll.

2. You're church has all of the following "special days":
- Pastors Anniversary
- Pastor & Wife's Anniversary
- Church Anniversary
- Usher Day
- Mens Day
- Womens Day
- Childrens Day
- Musicians Day
- Choir Day
Not only does your own church have all of those days, but you are fellowshiping with other churches who also have those same days!

1savvydiva
12-01-2002, 06:37 AM
Up to the top

P.S., can you tell I am at work, trying to kill time...digging up old posts?

Steeltrap
12-01-2002, 12:53 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/01/fashion/01HATS.html

Fun article about AfAm milliner who makes church hats. Now, being cheap, I'm not one who's going to drop $200 or more on a hat, but a nice read anyway.

9dstpm
12-01-2002, 05:42 PM
You know you are at a Black church when after the sermon, the pastor not only tells you that his sermon is available on CD and cassette, but you can buy the BOOK too!! I went to my parent's church back in MS about a year ago (they are Church of Christ) and the minister had a table in the church lobby selling his book that had his picture on the cover. My daddy bought the tape, CD, and book!! I bet the next time I visit, they might have it on DVD, too!! :rolleyes:

KnowledgeEternal
12-01-2002, 08:56 PM
You know you are at a black church when....

....the pastor and all of the top mens in the choich drive Cadillacs.

....there is a brotherhood choir and everyone sings in the same key. Baritone.

....the pre-teens and young adults spend more time downstairs and outside than in service.

....the pastor has security like the president.

....mid-week service has 4-5 people in the congregation.

Gyrl7
12-02-2002, 02:19 PM
You know that you are in a black church when........

1. Someone starts "shoutin" and is slapping you all across the head as you are sitting in the row in front of them.

2. Alright church, I need help on the offerin table, we got bills to be paid, yet he is driving a benz and yours is still at the mechanic because it failed inspection once again.

3. You have an offering for the church fund, sunday school fund, church picnic(mind you it's just October of the previous year), Deacons Board, Building fund(and you are still wondering that after 44 years why are they still owing the building anything).

4. Mother Johnston has to testify every Sunday for almost 2 hours because she has lived to see another Sunday.

5. When the pastor is reading his sermon from scrap paper.

6. When the pastor has to have organ music to help him get through his sermon.

7. When the only sermons that are preached are on Fornication and Adultery.

8. When your church is selling dinners but the main usher has that SERIOUS MASH POTATAS and CAWN attitude (like the cafeteria lady on Cedric's show)

9. When you only have a few members going to or putting in the collection plate, yet their hair, nails and clothing are off the chain...

10. When you can party until the break of dawn, but are barely holding up at church for two hours.

11. When your pastor preaches on something you just said to him that was confidential.

12. When you come home from church you call your non church friends and dog out the entire church from the pastor on down......

13. He has just completed his second hour of preaching and asks the congregation can he take his time.

14. When some sista says "I KNOW THASS RIGHT" to everything the preacher says during his sermon.

:D

Honeykiss1974
12-02-2002, 02:32 PM
Originally posted by prayerfull
You know you're at a black church when...

1. On Usher Day (which seems to be held 3 times a year) the ushers break out in a STROLL. I had never seen this before, but was in awe when our ushers broke it down with their stroll.



Prayerfull,
Growing up (in MS), and once a year, all of out town's church usher boards would COMPETE :eek: ! It was more like a showcase of each church's usher board "stroll" as to how they would enter the church and so forth.

Gyrl7
12-02-2002, 02:37 PM
Originally posted by prayerfull
I don't know about y'alls churches, but at mine, they serve REAL WINE for communion. Here's the catch though...

1. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when you see one of the church's 10 assistant ministers stopping off at the liquor store on Sunday morning to pick up a couple bottles of $1.99 BOONE'S wine for the communion wine. Now you know he picked up an "extra" bottle and saved it in his car for after church.

2. You know your're at a GHETTO black church when the pastor and his other preaching buddies roll up in church in their Sunday best pimp suits - ICED and BlINGIN' from head to toe. Why did this one visiting preachers (friend of our pastor's) roll up in the pulpit on Easter sunday in a PINSTRIPE PASTEL PINK pimp suit? Where do they even make stuff like that?

3. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when there's calendars, announcements and pictures still on the walls in the fellowship hall and sunday school rooms dating back to the 1980's.


ROTFLMPAO...............HAHAHAHA:D :D :D :D

1savvydiva
12-02-2002, 03:46 PM
Originally posted by Honeykiss1974


Prayerfull,
Growing up (in MS), and once a year, all of out town's church usher boards would COMPETE :eek: ! It was more like a showcase of each church's usher board "stroll" as to how they would enter the church and so forth.

NAWWW...you are just trying to be funny...that didn't REALLY happen, now did it?:eek:

Honeykiss1974
12-02-2002, 04:57 PM
Nope. Mind you, I grew up in a town of about 3,000 people (Last time I was there in '98, the pop. gre to about 6,000 :D ) and every year, all of the churches (baptist) would hold a picnic where each church's choir and usher board were "presented", so to speak.

we southerners love FANFARE! :D

AKA2D '91
12-02-2002, 08:37 PM
Re: URSHERS (lmao) competing: You can see this in a movie that plays on BET starring Loretta Divine and Alfre Woodard. :o

You know you are in a black church when:

The preacher/bishop/elder/ so and so rides around the country/world in the church's (yeah right) plane; while you are riding the subway/bus/taxi/ (using mike and ike (feet) to get around), hooptie... I bet you cannot ride in that plane if you wanted to. :o

smiley21
12-02-2002, 10:25 PM
you know you are in a black church when...


1) the parking lot outside is just dirt and a little bit of grass

2) that dirt is all over your shoes and stockings

3) after church, people can walk across the road to someone's house where they are having a church family dinner

4) even though people know there is know cool air in the buildings, the ladies still want to wear those long, thick dresses

5) everyone has hankercheifs in there hands to catch the sweat on their heads

6) when the pastor has to take a few moments to catch his breath because he was a little too emotional during his sermon

7) when the church name is Greater Dominion Church of the Disciples....Rev. Willie Brown

8) when the service ends at 3 pm and you know you have to go back in three hours for the evening service

Honeykiss1974
12-03-2002, 12:29 AM
Oh I meant to post this earlier:

You know you go to a black church when:
-you are baptized in a creek :eek: because still in 2002 the church does not have a pool (since they still haven't collected enough money in the building fund).
-Usher uniforms are those white polyester uniforms that look like nurse's uniforms. We even had a hat!
-Dinner is served after service in that small, cramped kitchen/rec room/sunday school room so you end up having to sit outside in a folding chair trying to balance a plate of food and a Nehi pop.

alphaiota
12-03-2002, 12:39 AM
you know you're in a black church when......
1. the ushers are wearing white gloves and extremely serious about their ushering duties.
2. when you start church at 10:30am and the pastor doesn't get done preachin' til 2pm.
3. the offering envelopes are regular envelopes that have been rubber stamped to say the name of the church.
4. when the heat is turned off in the building, but they are taking up a collection for the pastor and wife to go on vacation.
5. after you get smacked upside the head by the pastor so you can receive the holy spirit, you are down on the floor and covered with a full sheet like your dead.
6. the pastor gets served juice, water, etc. on a silver platter while you sittin' there thirsty as a mug.

MsFoxyLoxy77
07-19-2003, 02:43 PM
You know you are in a black Chuch

...When they have an African Attire fashion show inside the church during Black history month (also all during Black History month the urshers have on kente cloth).

...When an elder of the chuch starts off the service by saying "I know you all didn't think we were going to have church in here today. Stand up we finna have CHUCH" and everyone stands up and starts shouting.

...When after church the kids are making fun of the adults who caught the holy ghost and an adult sees them and can tell just by the shouting technique who the kids are mocking. Then the adult says, "Stop picking on Ms. Mary, God don't like that." One question how did you know they were picking on Ms. Mary...you know you thought Ms. Mary's shouting was out there too.:0

...When the old men in the church try to outdo each other and show up in lime green suits, with matching hats, canes, shoes, hankerchiefs, and just KNOW they are on point. Worst of all the ladies of the chuch either approach him or congregate outside the chuch and say "Babyface was sho' lookin' fine dis Sunday."

...When the minister's previous and current wife all attend the same chuch.

...When service doesn't let out until 3:30 and you have to return for a night service starts at 6:00

...When a chuch member use their vehicle to sell items after chuch service has let out. I.e. hot sausages, pickle eggs, chips, sodas, cut up cucumbers with vinegar, and a load of other high blood pressure goodies.

...When during praise and worship everyone starts yelling "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water.." you know how it goes.;)

...When the pastor threatens to place a list of people who didn't pay their tithes in a public area in the chuch.

...When the chuch has pageants to "battle" the fashion styles of its members with members of other chuches. I.e. "The Hattitude" a hat modeling fashion show...whoever wins gets bragging rights until the next year.

...When there is a loud mouth in the chuch who tells everybody's business.

...When there is a chuch family dinner after service and after everyone has had atleast one plate the big bellied deacons send kids to get them some more food so they won't be embarrassed and the kids end up going to the servers and loudly say, "Deacon Smith say he won't some mo' colla' greens, pigeon peas, and smothered poke chops" :p

...When either the elders, members, preachers, or choir members sons are in jail and they stand up in chuch and say, "please pray for my son, he got locked up again fo snatching purses."

HC this is post is getting long and I still have other things I can say....tsk...I think I'll end here for now

prayerfull
08-12-2005, 02:49 PM
I did a search and this is 'bout the best place I found to post this....

Ghetto Church Announcements
-
I would like to give honor to God who is the head of my life and to
welcome all visitors to the "Words of Jericho On Top Of A Mighty Rock Seventh-Day Christian Missionary Baptist Tabernacle Church of God in Christ. We do appreciate you all coming out today.

Due to bills not being paid, there is no air-conditioning or fans
available. Sis. Usher will be walking around with fans and ice cubes for a $5 dollar donation which will go towards our Pastor's new fur..........I mean the Church's Building Fund.

The Youth Sisters Ministry will be having their " 100 Women in Weave March" this Sunday at 4pm. Members are asked to invite a friend. The more weaves the better.

The members of the church are asked to keep Bro. Allen in your prayers. After singing "Trouble Don't Last Always", he was arrested for shoplifting. He's now serving the rest of his previous 5 year sentence. I guess his troubles are going to last at a few more years.

Today we will be passing around plastic spoons and shot glasses for Communion. Seems like the motherboard wanted to start the party early this morning, so we are stuck with using Rice Krispies and Crown Royal instead of breadsticks and Martell. You can thank the Pastor for just so happening to have bought 4 Cases of Crown Royal last night after the Church's Revival and left them in his new Red 2003 Mustang. Pastor how did you afford that
car without a job? God is good, ain't he?

:eek: Due to the recent slew of bounced checks, a list of names of those people who can not write checks for tithes to the church is inside your morning program.

Because of the increase in men joining the church because of last week's announcement, the pastor wanted me to make sure that everyone understood the announcement. The Men's Ministry will be sponsoring a "Sweatshirt" Contest, not a "Wet Shirt" Contest. The reason is to choose the new logo for their sweatshirt. Those men who just joined the church, we want you to know that your $200 deposit is non-refundable and has gone towards the
pastor's love offering.................I mean the church's building fund.

The Pastor wanted the Praise Dancers to know that he has turned down your request to add the Electric Slide, the Cabbagge Patch, and the Rump Shaker to your routines during Praise and Worship Service.

A side note to that announcement goes to the men in the congregation. Please do not throw money or phone numbers at the feet of the Praise Dancers. If anything, you should throw it into the pastor's love.................I mean the Building Fund.

The Music and Arts Departments are bringing back their popular play: "Big Mama Whooped Me During Sunday School." Tickets are going fast.

Members are encouraged to pickup Bro Sterling's new cd. It features the hit song "Why We Bling". It's a remake of Kirk Franklin's "Why We Sing". Featuring J.O.B...Jesus Over Blunts. As you know, Luke from the 2 Live Crew joined our ministries last Sunday and will be rapping and singing his testimony to us during the R&B.......I mean A&B selection...He wants everyone to know that...it's no longer about if it's your birthday........"It's Your Judgment Day". :D

R. Kelly will also be in the temple next Sunday singing his praises, but you know that grown boy like little girls, so please keep your children at home.

Today's announcements are sponsored by June Bug N' Pee-Wee's Bible Bookstore and Barber Shop where their motto is "Buy a book and improve your look."

StarFish106
08-12-2005, 03:41 PM
How about when whoever cooked the food for the afternoon program calls all their bad azz kids 'round to the church to come eat and then packs up the leftovers and takes them home like they paid for them?


You know you are in a black church when your Gospel Choir has a theme song they sing erry Sunday boppin up the aisle. Ours is "Walk in the Light".




sidenote:
My mother is in charge of the usher floor and yes if they are having prayer she AIN"T lettin yo butt in and she will ask you not to talk in the back of the church. She has cleared many a folk (w/an attitude) from back there.

DC_Zeta1920
08-12-2005, 05:57 PM
Someone may have mentioned these (I didn't read all of the posts)

The choir director has the best hairdo in the church.

All the ushers where nurse's outfits

The collection plate is passed around more than once.

All of the paper fans have funeral home ads on them

They have certain days where they do baptisms

The church name is extremely long....Third Street Hallelujah House of the Redeemer Baptist Church

ATLien
08-12-2005, 06:03 PM
my church only baptize every first sunday in the month.lol only

Pearls4Life
08-12-2005, 06:23 PM
You know your in a black church when:


A church members home catches on fire and burns to the ground. She is a member of said church for more than 2 years. Fire was on the news and all, she goes to the church to get help for clothes because she has none. Pastor' s secretary calls pastor and he tell her to go to wal-mart and bring a reciept back.....lol plus asked for the store manager at the store to verify what they have on! But, he drives a mercedes and his secretary a caddy! Now they take up food, clothes and money for the needy, but she could not get any help initially. Now thats Ghetto!And know she is a member...come on now. It was all on the news. Lawd.....help our greddy ministers! For some its a business not christ like at all.... (shaking head, how pitiful) :(



Oh yeah ....AND SHE TITHES....!

The Truth
08-18-2005, 11:08 AM
One of the "Mother's" of the church, who you have never talked to in your life, lets you know you know doggone well you didn't have no business wearing that to church. If she has a really big purse she may pull something out to "fix" your problem.

1flypoodle
08-18-2005, 01:15 PM
When one of the church mothers catches you putting candy in your mouth and hands you a tissue to spit it out with. Then 2 minutes later during prayer you open your eyes to see her poppin some candy in her mouth. Sayin "Yes Lord" all loud so you can't hear the wrapper.