what's the funniest thing you've ever heard a drunk person say?

[OUlioness01]

We've all heard some pretty random things come out of drunk people's mouth. Some of them have been competely bizzare, and some have been absolutely hysterical. i don't know if there is already a thread about this, but what is thw funniest thing that you're ever heard a drunk person say??

my friend announced once that he "Smelled like a sexy orchard"!

[DeltaSigStan]

On Halloween, one of my bros and I were walking back from Dominos Pizza when we saw a cute Filipino girl dressed as an Angel coming the opposite way. My bro, being REALLY drunk said:

"I must be in Heaven cuz I see an Angel!"

And he said it in the normal whiny drunk voice. As lame a pick up line as it already is, it's even funnier when she actually is dressed as an angel.

My response:

"Dude, that was the lamest thing I've ever heard another human being say."

[DRau]

While watching Bravehart after a long night....

"I took Barbarian in high school. They taught three languages: Spanish, French, and Barbarian."


(yeah, Bravehart=Barbarian? We didn't get it either....)

[Shine]

I was at a bar one night, attempting to coexist with this girl I HATE. I was avoiding her pretty well until she walked past me, and tripped really bad. She says to me as an attempt at an insult, I guess...

"Skip you, drunk biatch."

I just craked up laughing, as did all the people around us.

LOL!

[ADPi~Ally]

This was my funny drunk saying :)
My sisters and I was hanging out and drinkin at our brother fraternity on a Saturday night. Sometime I get lovable. So I was saying to my sister, I love ya. She said what r we gonna do with u Ally? I said you can love me or flush me down the toilet complete with hand actions................

[Hootie]

I was intoxicated once at a party where we were discussing alternative names for certain parts (uhem). Anyways (now I feel stupid LOL), for some reason I just started saying stuff like:

"Twatever"

"Twatdo I owe this pleasure?" (To what do I owe this pleasure?)

All my friends were laughing histerically because if you know me, you'd know I don't every say stuff like that. As a matter of fact I generally blush when the topic of sex comes up. Needless to say, it made for an entertaining evening.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Drunk guy to another drunk guy about me, "Check her out. Her hair and her eyes are the same exact color!"

Second drunk guy replies, "Her hair and her eyes and her freckles are the same exact color!" :p

[FAB*SpiceySpice]

I once overheard one of my sisters at a FIJI party saying that if she had a d*ck she'd want to be a FIJI. I spit my drink out when I heard her say that b/c it came out of absolutely nowhere! I guess that's what I get for eavesdropping huh? ;) :D

[AOX81]

The night before we were leaving to go on Spring Break a few of my friends stayed the night at our townhouse. My sorority sister/roommate (Susan), who decided not to go to Cancun, decided she was going to go out to a bar and get completely shitfaced with another one of our sorority sisters.

We had to leave for the airport around 4am. Around 3am she comes rolling in and she wasn't very quiet. My friend (Jen) and her boyfriend (Dan) were sleeping on a couch in my living room and one of my sorority sisters (Kim) was sleeping on another couch.

I don't remember what was said to initiate her response but my drunk roommate said, "you gotta be fucking Jen!" Kim says, "I hope not because I'm on the other couch." That was two years ago and we still tease her about it almost everytime we see her. :) I'll have to remember to bring that up this weekend :)

[AOX81]

I just thought of another one. Same drunk girl from the last story. She was hugging a boyfriend of one of our sorority sisters and he picked her up off the ground. She yells, "look guys, I'm pickupable!" It was funny to us, I guess you had to be there. :)

[DWAlphaGam]

One time, a drunk friend of mine was at Wawa, and she told the guy making her hoagie, "Wow, you're really good at that. Did you go to sandwich school or something?" It was rather amusing.

[AXOLiz]

My friend and I were at Browns stadium for the Browns/Steelers game, which, for those of you don't know, is more of a drunkfest than usual due to the rivalry. You seriously have to go to understand how INSANE it is. To make matters more interesting, our seats were in the Dawg Pound, which is the craziest place to be in the stadium.

So there we are, two sweet, quiet girls from Cleveland in the Dawg Pound by ourselves with a bunch of rowdy, drunk men. It was actually pretty nice - all the guys around us watched out for us and escorted us everywhere (who said chivalry was dead?) even though we were fine on our own.

So the game progresses, the Browns start sucking hardcore like they normally manage to do, and my friend and I get drunker. My friend, for the record, is this little 5'3" redhead who looks like she's sweet and innocent and about 12 years old. Anyhow, at a key point in the game, my drunk friend decides to SCREAM:

"IF I HAD A DICK, I WOULDN'T EVEN LET PITTSBURGH SUCK IT!!!"

The drunk guys all shut up and looked at her with their mouths hanging open. They were shocked, and I was, of course, laughing my ass off. :D When you can shock Browns fans at the Steelers game, you know you're having a good time.

Another drunk Browns fan told me, "No offense, but with your eyes...you look like Boy George. NO! I meant you're hot! Ok, so he's a guy, but DAMN!" :confused:

[33girl]

OK, since Hootie told a story on herself so will I.

Apparently after a night of debauch, I was laying on the couch half asleep and said to the girls who were checking on my state, "Where's the paper towel? I have to pee." I have NO IDEA what this was about.

[adduncan]

OK, here's one that's close--not what was said while drunk, but how a lady handled a drunk.

Back in my BU days, I had an acquaintance who was a TKE Sweetheart. Coincidentally, she had part of her leg removed as a child due to cancer and wore a prosthetic. This was a very high-end piece of work: she had interchangeable feet that she wore with different kinds of shoes. (One for pumps, one for sneakers, etc). Unless she showed you the leg attachment, or you bumped into it, you'd never know this leg was fake.

She was at a party one night and a drunk dunce from a rival fraternity was hitting on her. He wasn't puking and passing out, but he was enebriated beyond reason as he didn't notice the big white "TKE" on her shirt, nor did he understand the concept of "NO!"

Now, since verbal refusals were not being understood, she took a more direct approach. She handed her drink to her friend, reached down, unscrewed the prosthetic foot from her leg, and smacked the offender across the face with it. (The most beautiful arching backhand I have ever seen.) Then calmly screws it back on, retrieves her drink, and strolls away.

Needless to say, this lady never had an issue with drunks or with unwelcome advances again.

Sorry for the slight tangent, but I thought you'd enjoy it.
Adrienne
:)

[librasoul22]

One time me and a few of my friends were drunk at like 3 in the morning. I got hungry (as I usually do when drunk) and wanted to get some food. The only places open were Subway, Guthries (people in FL know...), and the convience stores. So we drove to Guthries which has a small grassy hill in the back by the drive thru. There was this chick sitting on the grass wearing a tiara (don't ask, cause I don't know, lol). One of the guys in the car with me leaned out and said "Hey pretty princess, why are you perched on the hill? You think you're too good for everyone else??"

lol...hilarious at the time, but after re-reading it is just WAY random, lol.

Another late night drunk moment, me and some friends were walking to get some food when we encountered a homeless man named J.J. He was clearly on something, but told us that he would read us a poem if we bought him some food. So I told him, go ahead.

So he reads us some poem about crack addiction. Yeah, lol. So I snap like I am at a coffee house or something, lol, and told him it was great poem...from here on out, I called him Poetic Justice. So we tried to go into this fast food place, but it was late and only the drive thru was open. I wanted my friends to join me and run through the drive through in the formation of wheels on a car, hoping to trigger it, but they refused, lol.

So instead, we went to a convience store and I told J.J. aka Poetic Justice that he could have whatever he wanted. He got some Newports, some milk, and thanked me. lol.

So, yeah, getting drunk with me means that you will have the oddest, most random night ever, lol.

Some of y'alls quotes are TOO funny!!!! I like this thread.

[Dionysus]

I didn't embarrass myself too much Tuesday night. Did I?

[ZTAngel]

"I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Uttered by my roommate one night when she was drunk. She had drank WAY too much and she just couldn't get herself to throw up. She needed it out of her system because she had probably taken over 13 shots that night (she's only 95 pounds....for all those wondering, she is not in a sorority). So, her boyfriend filled a cup with some Parrot Bay and handed it to my roomie. He whispered to me, "This will get her to throw up" and then said to her, "Here's some water! Drink up!" She gulped some of the "water" and then just slumped back while muttering, "I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!" 30 seconds later, she threw up.

[UDZETA]

One day last year I was out with a bunch of friends and I got really drunk and decided I needed to get sick. I was in a bathroom stall getting sick when my guy friend came in to check up on me. Well I had the stall door shut and he would open to see how I was doing and I told him "I don't need an audience" (in a drunk funny voice) and then I shut the stall door on him. Another one of my comments on a different outing was "I wish I could piss across the room too!" I think the guys I was with were talking about using urinals (I hope). :D

[KSig RC]

-A buddy of mine hooked up w/ a girl in the Engineering department, who sort of acted like she'd never seen a guy before. Anyway, they're going at it, and she starts trying to act all porn-star and whispers in his ear, "You have a really big (package)." He turns to her and says, "You don't hook up very much, do you?"

Classic.

-ksigkid was in Boston for the 4th of July 2 years ago, a bunch of brothers head on back to the house to BBQ and get housed. As such, this is exactly what happens - Collin is sitting on the couch, turns to his left, and starts asking questions of the 'person' next to him - "Hey, Aabcey - how long you been here, man?"

It wasn't Aabcey - it was a large fan. "Collin, you're talking to the Vornado! Aabcey's in the bathroom."

-We're wandering back one night, and in front of your friendly Campus Convenience outlet a rather large, rather scantily-clad girl is standing on a folding chair, drunk off her ass and yelling at people. I have letters on, so she starts yelling shit at us - "Frat assholes, date-rapists, blah blah blah" . . . not an extremely pleasant scene, getting berated by a girl who's spilling out of her tube top (seriously bad). So my buddy Chris (who is housed) laughs, walks up to her and calmly points to CamCo, and politely states, "Hey, I think there's dessert in there!"

Needless to say, while hysterical, I expected the folding chair in the face, WWF style.

I'll post more later, I don't want to be the only one looking like a drunken ass.

//misspellings = edit

[pinkyphimu]

ok, one night in the midst of a game of asshole, one of the guys looked at the asshole and said, "drink for drinking drunk" when he ment to say, "drink for being stupid."

this one takes a bit of background info....the summer btwn my first and second year of college, a fraternity on campus was kicked off for selling drugs, the house was condemned and turned into a sand volleyball court. flash forward to my 21st birthday the summer before my senior year......i was the president of my chapter and i was living in the area for the summer. i got extremely drunk. when some friends were driving me home, we had to drive past campus and the former fraternity house/ sand volleyball court. i burst in to tears and said, "i can't believe i got drunk. we are going to get kicked off campus and our house is going to be a volleyball court." my friends started laughing and said, "unless you start selling cocaine, you are not going to get your sorority kicked off campus!"

i am sure if i think hard enough, i will remember more.

[aephi alum]

Some friends of mine and I (all women) went out to a club one evening - we thought it was 19+ night, but it was actually 21+ night, and one of us was underage, so we all got turned back (well, only she did, but we weren't about to abandon her). This random drunk saw the whole thing and said "Yeah, that club'sh 21-plush tonight. But you can come 'ome with me." Yeah, right. :rolleyes:

Then there was the drunk guy who approached one of my sisters (about 4 of us were out together walking around town) and started singing to her, at the top of his lungs, really bad poetry about how beautiful she was and how much he liked her little backpack (it was a few years ago when those mini-backpacks were popular as handbags). She literally ran across the street, oncoming cars notwithstanding!

[chideltjen]

From my pledge semester:

"Make me pretty!!!!!"

and

"It's eating me!!!" (the same girl had gotten her foot stuck underneath a couch after too many shots of 151...)

It was a night to remember, for sure. :D

[AXJules]

If I DID drink, :rolleyes: I would have to be embarassed the most about a time that happened last year in Cancun. I was walking home with my friends at like 5 AM and I saw this brown palm tree leaf on the side walk.
I swear to god it looked like a trout or something, so I yell out, "Hey!!! You should come out with us tomorrow night!"
My friends are like, wtf are you talking about???
I go, 'everyone loves a red herring at a party. It can drink like a fish."
HORRIBLE. They were so confused/embarassed/whatever that I walked the rest of the way home.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

These are funny drunk stories. :)

[UofIL AXO]

An intoxicated boy, also a friend, explaining his pool abilities when he was younger:

"If I could get my 7 year old self to play myself today, I would kick my own A$$."

Later, explaining his family:

"Well I have two brothers and a sister, so there's five of us."

[ZTAMich]

tonight for a good 10 minutes over IM a very drunk fraternity president swore I was someone else. She and I have similar screen names and it just lead for a bit of embarassment on his part...

"Karen XYXYXY that's so you're name"
"uhhh try again"
"oh my god. who the hell is this. what do you mean this isn't her screen name"

quite amusing....

[KappaTarzan]

tonight one of the phi kap brothers came up to me while extremely drunk and stone and said "hey mandy.. i'm stoned LIK A KITE!" i laughed so hard... then a few minutes later he came back and said "mandy, mandy, tell them i'm really stone, like a space shuttle" at which point i removed the handle of captain's from his hand and sent him on his merry way to bed...

another good drunk quote was last year when my sorority was walking over to a fraternity house wearing only trash bags.. as we walked over the police pulled up. my big, being the fun drunk she is, said "there is nothing going on hear, officer, proooceed proooooooceed" and he actually left. hahahaha...

and don't you love how every drunk person who pukes ALWAYS says "i'm never drinking again" rriiiiiiiiiiight...... :D

[DeltAlum]

Remember Blatz Beer?

I was NOT drunk at the time, but worked my way through part of college as a live booth announcer at a TV station in Columbus on weekends. (they don't have them any more -- we did live commercials, promos, station ID voice overs live in the past -- now, it's all on tape)

Well, OK, I had a beer or two with dinner down at Ohio State, but not enough to be impaired...

I was reading a sponsorship announcement before the 11 PM Sports which was supposed to say,

"TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught brewed Blatz, now here a popular prices..."

What came out was, "TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught Blewed Bratz, now here at popular prices...

The on-camera sportscaster completely lost it.

(Hilarious thing heard from a drunk at Court and Union Street in Athens: "Let's go to Oxford for a good time") Just kidding, I love my Miami friends.

[Kevlar281]

This is a quote from the soberest brother at one of our grill parties who was elected to go talk to the police officers that were staked out across the street from our house.

“Hi officers we got some beer and burgers in the backyard; would y’all like me to send the pledges over with anything?” – Ted “T-Bone” Borel

They didn’t want anything but they also didn’t bust the party.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Kevlar281
“Hi officers we got some beer and burgers in the backyard; would y’all like me to send the pledges over with anything?”
Now that's funny. And very proactive. Could have gotten busted for hazing, though, in some states.

[lilsnakeyk]

Too many good quotes........to name at once, but here are the top few

From my friend Hadji "Andria, tonight is a very drunk weekend"

My best friend and I after the Kings/Lakers series this past may "We want a hotdog" (which in a sportsbar full of drunken Lakers fans was taken entirely out of context )

From me "I am not stumbling drunk" which was ironic because 30 seconds later I fell down a flight of stairs and had to have 18 stitches on my arm

[ilovemyglo]

My brother's 21st my boyfriend of the time had to drag him into my house with my older brother and his friend helping. They put him in my bed and he threw up everywhere.... so we are in the next room cause it reeked and all you hear is
"HELP ME......... HELP ME............." and then ten seconds later "F&$K YOU" we all died laughing... the next day he said he remember his thoughts.
He was thinking "oh god, I am dying help me... wait a minute you are the ones that did this to me so F*&K you!" HAHA!!!!!

[valkyrie]

This isn't nearly as funny as some of the others, but it's all I can think of right now...

When I was in college, I got REALLY drunk one night playing that stupid game where you drink one shot of beer every minute. I started the game realizing that I probably wouldn't be able to keep up with everyone, but later on in the evening I was drunk and I was obsessed with kicking everyone's butt. So I ended up coming in second, having something like 130 shots of beer in 130 minutes. Everyone who reached 121 got sick. I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember if I was throwing up or what exactly what was happening, but I know I felt AWFUL. My boyfriend at the time came in and I yelled:

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KILL ME, GET AWAY FROM ME!!!

[ChiOJenn78]

Originally posted by valkyrie
This isn't nearly as funny as some of the others, but it's all I can think of right now...

When I was in college, I got REALLY drunk one night playing that stupid game where you drink one shot of beer every minute. I started the game realizing that I probably wouldn't be able to keep up with everyone, but later on in the evening I was drunk and I was obsessed with kicking everyone's butt. So I ended up coming in second, having something like 130 shots of beer in 130 minutes. Everyone who reached 121 got sick. I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember if I was throwing up or what exactly what was happening, but I know I felt AWFUL. My boyfriend at the time came in and I yelled:

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KILL ME, GET AWAY FROM ME!!!

I've played that game before-it's called Century Club, but we only did it with 100 shots-1 shot a minute for 100 minutes...ya, I got in, but I was hurting badly....

Anyhoo-last night the Mr and I are playing drunk Trivial pursuit, and he asks me some question about Which alpine country did women get the right to vote in 1977? My answer: Appalachia!! He looks at me, and repeats the question, emphasizing the words ALPINE COUNTRY. I say, "Wait a minute-is this in another country-like Europe or something?". His look of horror deepens, so I start yelling off names of countries I think have pine trees in them-Croatia, Serbia...you get the idea-I'm thinking pine trees, not Alps. So finally he reads the question a 3rd time and I'm like" Oh I know!! Switzerland! Sweden! France! Am I right??". He puts the card down, looks at me, and says "Woman-you need to see a map.". :D

[agger_rob]

Last night, two of my friends were riding each other's cases and one said "Just because you live with your mom, you think you're soooo cool."

And then, I walked past two other guys, and I swear I heard, "You give a girl a banana nut muffin and she's yours for the taking."

[FHwku]

Me: "I are too drunk drive!"

Best Friend: "Me am too."

[KEPike]

One of my brothers, Jason Moran, graced the world with these words:

"I broke a Pike at the window house"

after a particularly wild and crazy initiation party one semester.

This won our "quote of the year" that year. As a gift, we got him a miniature window as a reminder.

[swissmiss04]

One night at a bar this guy (who was TERRIBLY shitfaced) was walking around talking to people and of course guess who he ended up talking to the most? Yeah you guessed it. So anyways my friend Adam sorta turned so that he didn't have to actually look at the guy, leaving me to be the polite one. He was discussing the next week's football game (we had just lost one) and dude said "Thas alrigh, we win nex' week. Ya know if I played fo da crimson ti' this is what I do. I'd put on da shoulder pads, walk up to Ole Miss and BITE THEIR BALLS OFF!!!" And he was NOT quiet. And he kept repeating "Bite their balls off" over and over again, complete w/ a drunken dramatization. Adam fell off his stool laughing so hard and I tried so hard to keep a straight face. Later on (yeah it gets better) the guy is talking to someone else and said "Las' Sunnay at da Boof (the Booth) I took a shit in that corner." And he pointed to the corner...and apparently he really had. So now I don't go there anymore...

[SigkapAlumWSU]

This was overheard at my Lil B's house and it's just hilarious because of the guy who said it (he's a huge player)

"Everyone needs some ass, and I'm a nice piece of ass."

[KappaKittyCat]

My fave:

"There's a competition going on for who gets to come home with me tonight, and you've just moved into first place."

Add that also to the cheesey pickup lines list.

[crystalline]

"Damn, look at her rack! I wish I had a rack like that! Someone go beat her up and take her rack for me!" ~my friend Jennifer

[AOX81]

Patrick to Dave: "Dave, I'm not a fag or anything, but dude if you worked out you could have a really buff body."

My husband to Dan: "Dan, will you have my baby? Twice?"

Dan (almost passed out after drinking): "We have to wait for the receipt to print out."

Justin (to all the girls after the guys got him wasted): "I love you guys! But I hate all of your boyfriends and fiances."

Patrick after waking up with hangover from hell: "I feel like Ozzy Osbourne right now."

[AOX81]

Patrick, to my husband, in an elevator after putting on some of that new Axe deoderant spray/deoderant. "So Sugarsmacks, how do I smell?" (Think of television commercial)

"Hey Patrick, on a scale of 1-10 how drunk are you?" "I'd have to say about an 8.25."

[Skchickie]

this past weekend at a party, a sister got a little drunky-drunky.
She had a little crush on my date, and she handed me her camera and said:

"Erin, will you take a picture of Dave in me?"

She had not understood what she had just said, and stared at us as well all started laughing at her. Good times.

[AOX81]

"That'll kill morning wood."

[jharb]

My best drunken story happened a few weeks ago. It was Monon Bell weekend at Wabash and my roommate and I were at the Kappa Sig house. We got there at 5 and started drinking. Around 1:30AM I come downstairs to use the bathroom and my roommate is talking to this guy on the couch. I stumble through and on my way back upstairs I run into a chair, which then runs into a lamp which runs into the wall which bounces back. They all bounce into me and I apparently started yelling at the chair to stand still because I have to get back upstairs! My roommate told me I looked like a "bobble-body" and that's now my nickname. The funniest part about this story is that I don't remember it happening, but I remember what happened later after drinking more!

I usually don't get drunk but I hadn't had much to eat that day and I was woken up with a screwdriver! ;)

Jess

[sweetie adpi]

this was a couple years ago... one of our sisters that was dating a fiji, and they'd gotten into a fight... (which happened often, haha) she got wasted and was pissed at him, and yelled out into the street, "F*** You, Fiji's!!! I'll F*** You all!!!" ... i'm thinking what she meant was F*** you all, not I'll F*** you all.... hehehehe

[Jaggergirl]

this trashed friend of mine was once trying to argue his sobriety... "okay shuurre, I'm drunk. But this is the first time I've been drunk in forever. I'm not really a drinker. I haven't really had a drink ever... since my DUI."

[Eirene_DGP]

One time I was at Outback Steakhouse and we were sitting at a booth next to the bar. There was this guy who was highly intoxicated sitting down and he is talking really loud. So finally he says, "Do yall wanna hear about the first time I had sex?" Everyone in the restaurant is sitting in suspense after he said the key word. So finally he says, "The first time I had sex I was by myself." :eek: Now everytime I want a good laugh I think about what he said.

[AOX81]

"Later on I'll be puking like a bulemic teenager"

[SATX*APhi]

Originally posted by KappaTarzan

another good drunk quote was last year when my sorority was walking over to a fraternity house wearing only trash bags.. as we walked over the police pulled up. my big, being the fun drunk she is, said "there is nothing going on hear, officer, proooceed proooooooceed" and he actually left. hahahaha...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! This is sooo funny!!

[LeslieAGD]

Originally posted by sweetie adpi
this was a couple years ago... one of our sisters that was dating a fiji, and they'd gotten into a fight... (which happened often, haha) she got wasted and was pissed at him, and yelled out into the street, "F*** You, Fiji's!!! I'll F*** You all!!!" ... i'm thinking what she meant was F*** you all, not I'll F*** you all.... hehehehe

How big was his chapter? :o Just kidding!

[LXAAlum]

The only story I can remember that isn't too gross to share in a public forum:

I'm the new chapter advisor witnessing this chapter's initiation party (mid 90's - WAY OUT OF CONTROL). My wife and I are both having a pretty good time, we've had a few beers, and we're buzzing fairly well. So, we are sitting alone in a brothers room and kissing. That's all.

I didn't really notice at the time, but, apparently, one of the newly initiated brothers had staggered by the door to the room we were in, several times. In his unbelievably inebrieated state, he goes to find the chapter president, and inform him of a brewing scandal, because the chapter advisor was upstairs "getting it on" with some random girl.

My wife and I are met in the room by the chapter president, what's left of his date, and several other hysterical brothers. They even laugh harder when they realize it isn't a random girl, but my wife. One brother laughed so hard he had to pull out the trashcan in the bedroom, and, uh....evacuate some of the excess alcohol.



And, at the same party, just about an hour later....

The prez and I are trying to have some sort of conversation, but we were both pretty blasted, so I don't remember any of the topics, but, as we are talking, we hear "woooo----hoooooooo" coming from the other side of a doorway that leads upstairs.

The woo-hoo came from a brother sprinting (stumbling is more accurate) down the stairs...he then bursts through the door, and, at full speed, greets the wall in the hallway with his nose - bursting it wide open....crimson red now all over his face.

He looks at us, then realizes his condition, but manages to stammer out something to the effect of "that was awesome, I didn't even feel it!"...We then mention it might be a good time for him to cool it and get some sleep (and Tylenol)...so, being a new brother, and wanting to impress us, he took our advice and passed out on the floor at our feet.

What a night.

[AlphaGamDiva]

it was one of my sister's b-days, and she was coming back from the bar....the door swung open, she stumbled in, and i was like, "whoooooa, tiff.....", and while she's attempting to get up off the floor and trying to find whoever said "whoooooooa, tiff", she slurs, "nooo...but i only had one shot a que-tee-la!" i about DIED!! :D i guess she forgot about those 800 beers... ;)

[LXAAlum]

Alpha Gam - you're going to MEPS and then the National Guard? I peeked at your website - which is very cool!

Good for you! From a vet to a soon-to-serve!

[AlphaGamDiva]

thanks, LXAAlum......it's been a process, but i'm all about it! :) one of my sisters grads from basic may 9th....and then another one of my sisters grad from marine basic apr 11th....myself and ANOTHER one of my sisters are planning on being in basic together......it'll be a party! :D

[LXAAlum]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
....myself and ANOTHER one of my sisters are planning on being in basic together......it'll be a party! :D

Ummmmmm. OK. Keep telling yourself that. :rolleyes:

By no means can basic be thought of as a party - think of it as you're-worst-hell-week-nightmare-imagineable-coming-true, but lasts for ten weeks! - though once it's finally over...you can blow off steam.

Just be quiet, do as your told, and have this goal: graduate from boot camp without the drill seargeant remembering your name. :cool:

Best of luck.

[AlphaGamDiva]

oh no....i use the word "party" in a wishful-thinking tone...i know it will be no fun........no fun at all. but i am more than ready to go do this.

and EVERYone tells me to make it through without my drill sgt knowing my name....hmm....do ppl think i'm gonna cause a scene?

thanks for the advice!!!!! :)

[LXAAlum]

Not cause a scene, but, if the drill sarge (or company commander in my case) remembers your name, it means you took extra effort on his/her part, which is never a good thing, unless you like verbal abuse and pushups.

14 years ago was boot for me, and I can still remember the names that my CC would call out daily:

"Puckett (an airhead), Fountain (an arrogant kid who always tried to find a way around the rules, but ALWAYS got caught), Stone (Overweight and lazy - perfect personality for his name)...Humphrey (the lights were on, but he was never home), you ain't NEVER gonna impress me!" (imagine being said by a very short, VERY angry Filipino - my CC, MMC(SW) "Mad Dog" Mirador)

If it wasn't so said and miserable for those guys, it was almost comical to hear each day, but then, we got "mashed" (exercised) for their mistakes, so there wasn't much laughter.

Forgetting your name means you were a good recruit.

[MSSTCY1]

A couple years ago, before I was a veteran drinker, I went out and got completely smashed. My friends carried me back to my dorm room and threw me on my bed. I immediately started puking into the trash can. My roomate told me to get up and go to the bathroom but I refused, I just put my head farther into the trash can and continued puking. They tried to take the trash can away from me ( thinking I would go and puke in the bathroom) but I refused to let go of it. When one of them tried again to pull it away from me, I yelled, "no, don't take my trash can, I love the trash can, I'm going to make love to the trash can, I'm going to have TRASH CAN BABIES."

To this day, everytime I get drunk, someone asks me if I want to go and make my trash can babies.

[Hootie]

"OMG~ SAVE THE CHICKEN, IT'S DROWNING"
~my Assistant Manager in reference to the chicken wing that got knocked onto the floor during 1 drunken fest:p

[SSS1365]

I once told my friends that my comforter was on the dryer. :rolleyes:

I know this guy who says the dumbest things ALL the time, even when he's SOBER! An example: "One day I'm just gonna start digging, and I'm gonna keep digging until I have this really deep hole."

[Optimist Prime]

Originally posted by SSS1365
I once told my friends that my comforter was on the dryer. :rolleyes:

I know this guy who says the dumbest things ALL the time, even when he's SOBER! An example: "One day I'm just gonna start digging, and I'm gonna keep digging until I have this really deep hole."

Do I know you :confused:

[DWAlphaGam]

Originally posted by MSSTCY1
A couple years ago, before I was a veteran drinker, I went out and got completely smashed. My friends carried me back to my dorm room and threw me on my bed. I immediately started puking into the trash can. My roomate told me to get up and go to the bathroom but I refused, I just put my head farther into the trash can and continued puking. They tried to take the trash can away from me ( thinking I would go and puke in the bathroom) but I refused to let go of it. When one of them tried again to pull it away from me, I yelled, "no, don't take my trash can, I love the trash can, I'm going to make love to the trash can, I'm going to have TRASH CAN BABIES."

To this day, everytime I get drunk, someone asks me if I want to go and make my trash can babies.


Aw, man, that's hilarious! I almost snarfed my tea!

[PhiSigFly]

We were sleeping over one of the sister's houses and we were drinking, but not really getting drunk. We were talking about how college freshman get all crazy when they go away to school but usually calm down after a year or two. At that point, one of the girls who had been drinking A LOT passed out on the floor. About an hour later, we were all slightly buzzed and talking about something COMPLETELY different... Actually, the new conversation topic was about giving the "perfect blowjob." Well, out of no where, the passed out girls sits up and SCREAMS "Its because of the freedom!" and passes right back out. It was so funny!

[BSP_Nicole]

Three quotes from three separate occasions:

Friend: "I'm the Leaf King!" <-- said while lying on the grass, tossing leaves into the air

Me: "We're mountain goats!" (our campus was built in a valley and on the surrounding hills

Hubby: "I'm over here, and you're over there. And if you're not over here with me, then you are over there."

[Rio_Kohitsuji]

Ick..I hate to admit this...
Okay, I'm at my boyfriend's 21st birthday party/major TKE party. Well, TKE209 has gotten pretty wasted beforehand (care of Firewater) we're sitting down in the living room and he's pointing everyone out and slurring out their name's to me. (we had dated only a few months) Needless to say, a not-to-lovely girl walked by when he VERY loudly announced, "See dat girl, her name is Dr.Teeth" Um..remember Dr.Teeth from the Muppets? Yeah.. Of course this was followed by him walking up to ppl and drunkly proclaiming, "This is my giiiiiiiirlfrieeeend" with him hanging onto my shoulders.

Now mine :)
I went to my best buds prom during my freshman year in college. Well, good old TKE209 buys me my stash of alcoholic beverages and we start drinking as soon as we hit the house that all and my buds are going to be staying at. Needless to say, there's a scumbag date somewhere..and it ended up being an old friend's of mine date. Well, I've already took some shot of tequila when the guys asks, "So baby, can those pants go any lower?" (I was wearing some low riding jammie pants) Of course, this is right in front of my easily-angered boyfriend. So, in my very feminine comeback I state while trying to introduce everyone to eachother I say, "See that guy *points to Dusty*, well, he's Dustin, I f^^k him." That ended the comments from him the rest of the night.

[FiReKraCkEr]

Wise words frmo a drunk girl:

"If you like someone, you GO AFTER TAHT A$$"

"IRON CHEF, the FOOD Battle is OV-AH"- randomly at the Bay

me to all my friends at our Governor's Inaugral Ball:

"I want some HOT MEAT!!!" refering to all the Democratic hotties around...lol

[CardinalSM]

My pledge sister after knocking over the over the toiler shelf in my bathroom: "Damnit, the tampons are viciously attacking me! Save me from tampon death!"

Another friend "Ooooh watch that guy dance! He makes my ears tingle!"

A guy friend " Hey, will you go get me another Vodberry and Cranka?"

Walking into the dorm one night, another pledge sister:"Shit! look at that squirrel with his rabid eyes, he is thinking where do I bite her, how do I kill her? He is going to attack me tonight while I am sleeping, you know. I will be dead tomorrow."

[G8Ralphaxi]

I dated a guy in a fraternity here at UF for about a year, so I spent a good deal of time hanging out at his fraternity house. Quite an educational experience...

So, anyway, I was over there one weekend night after we had all gone out drinking (everyone was over 21, of course;) ). it was maybe 3 a.m.

...and suddenly I hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall....

"YEAH BABY, IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK TIME!!!!!!"

I turned to my boyfriend and asked him, "What the hell is sock time?" And he just said, "Oh no. oh no. oh God no."

then we got our answer, as one of the brothers came running down the hallway, wearing nothing but (yep, you guessed it) a strategically placed sock, banging his hands on the walls, screaming his head off, "Sock time! sock time! sock time! sock time!"

Apparently this was a relatively common occurence, because none of the older brothers seemed surprised at all.

[OUlioness01]

I am LMAO at all of these!!!

[RedFox]

I was over at a friends apartment and we rented the 4 hour movie version of Hamlet because a good friend of mine had to watch it for his Shakespeare class...anyway, they decided to make up a drinking game to go along with it. You know how everyone dies eventually in the end and how random people die over the course of the movie? Well my friends decided that whenever anyone dies, they take a shot. Kate Winslet (Titanic, for those who don't know) played the role of Ophelia, the one who was in love with Hamlet and eventually killed herself. To make a long story short, my friend came out of his room and looked at the tv and was like "is THAT Winona Ryder? She's hot!" How he mistakened Kate Winslet for Winona Ryder I'll never know...;) I love drunken stories

[White_Chocolate]

my little brother and i are known as the world's funniest drunks. when we drink together or apart, we always have funny stories to tell.

my little brother got totally smashed at a party and he didn't want my mom to know(she would kill us if she knew that we drank). so, he called me to come and get him. i go over to this party and ask 'where's topher?' i look around and spot his then-girlfrend, megan sitting on the floor outside of a room. i walk into the room and he's just sitting in a chair slumped over. his first reaction to me is that i'm my mother because we look and sound so much alike. . .he goes 'awww, s*, mom! don't whip me in front of my friends, okay?'

another scenario:
my little brother was in the area so he came over to party with me. i took him to an fraternity party at this bar. so, we're both drunk(i snuck him tequila shots through the guy i was liking) and he's talking to two girls when he says that he's got to go to the bathroom. they keep stopping him and dancing on him.
so, he calls my name really loud and goes, 'lexee, tell these girls that i got to go piss!' and i tap the girls on the shoulders and say 'hey, he'll be right back. . .and then, he's probably going to take one of you hos home. . .'
they gave me this weird mean look and i said 'well, since you're both the cute little whores. . .you both can go.'

[FiReKraCkEr]

Now that I am sober....lol

"No, man, we just beat them with dildos until they pass out"

"Do you ever wonder if ugly people know they are ugly?"

"OHHHH Girl, never judge a guy by the size of their feet, cause you will be DISSAPOINTED!!!"

[AOX81]

"I may be drunk, but you're ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober."

[White_Chocolate]

something else my little brother said once
we were at a barbecue in Texas
and it was night and everyone was drinking
my brother. . .obviously drunk. . .comes out on the deck
and says:

'i'm sweating like a pedophile at a playground'


no one could forget that line

[SATX*APhi]

Friday night, outside of the SAE house at UT-Austin, I asked this one drunk guy who had an Australian accent if he knew where the SAE house. I knew he was standing right in front of it, but we were messing w/him b/c of him being a bit incoherent. He told me he had no idea where the house was (although the dude was partying at it) so I asked him if he was greek. He gave me this funky look and was like, "Uhh, no, are you Canadian?!" He flicked me off and walked away. The dude thought I was making fun of his accent, when all I was doing was asking if he was in a fraternity. My sisters and I will laugh about that one until the day we die!!

[The1calledTKE]

My good friend Ivory once said these when drunk...

I went through guys like underwear.

I got more play than a Britney Spears song.



Funny stuff!

[moe.ron]

I had a 5 minutes debate with a fire hydrant once. Then went decided that I didn't want to go home and tried to get the mail box to take me home. That didn't work, so me and this girl walked back to the house and the whole time we had an argument about walking.

me: "we are waking too slow."
The Girl: "you mean walking too slow."
me: "yes, waking too slow"
the girl: "you said we are waking too slow."
me: "no i didn't, I said waking, not waking."
the girl: "Scudz, you are useless"
me: "well, so are you cause you wake too slow"

And of course, I tried to start a fight with a phone poll once because it look at me weird. (Long story)

[AXJules]

Originally posted by Arya


And of course, I tried to start a fight with a phone poll once because it look at me weird. (Long story)


LOL!!! One time I was at a New Year's party and watched a drunk get in a fight with a Christmas tree. We were all standing around in a circle and talking. He is like, looking over my shoulder and glaring, like something was pissing him off.
He goes, "Scuse me, ladies..."
RUNS up to the tree with like, fists flailing and yells "You like that, bitch? You wanna stare me down??

Um yeah. It was really funny b/c HE's the one that got all scratched up.

[lalaelon]

geez i was in the worst mood, then i read all of these! i'll post some of my better drunken moments:

~one night my friends and i were walking back from the frats and i run up to this huge trash can and go, "oh look, a jumprope!" and proceed to get in the trash can and try and jump....my friends were laughing SO hard but they took a pic of me, its great bc i'm holding my purse very delicately but my face shows how drunk i was! now everytime we pass that trash can on campus my friends are liike, "hey laura, why don't you go jump?"

~one of my good friends, carey, tends to get REALLY drunk and do crazy stuff. well one night, we were going somewhere, and he starts telling us this obscure story about the cycle of life. and then he finishes, after like 20 min of nonsense, by saying "and basically, the BOOB IS LIFE" (none of us understood this.) carey also once saw a rock on the ground and said, "if you don't shut up, i wlil take this rock and knock out your metaphorical teeth"

~my friend kylene LOVES goldschalger. one night she was a little intoxicated and we were all sitting around. she points to a bottle of vodka and goes, "this, is vodka" then puts it down. then she points to a bottle of rum and goes "this, is rum". then she picks up the almost empty bottle of goldschalger and goes, "this, is god"

~my best friends and i went to waffle house one night around 4am. picture this: waffle house, right off the highway, in NC....yeah pretty sketchy. well my girlfriends and i weren't druink at all, but the guys were. so we get there, and we start ordering our food. this guy jason asks the waiter for pancakes. my friend brandon, who had been totally silent until we got there, goes "you dumb asshole. they dont' have f*cking pancakes here. it's called the f*cking WAFFLE HOUSE for a reason you pathetic fool" then got quiet again. it was HILARIOUS


thats all i have for now...these are great though, i like this thread!

[sairose]

at a Pike party once, this VERY VERY drunk Pike came up to me and my friend Adelle and tried to hit on us, but he was so drunk it was hilarious. He was so drunk that he kept forgetting our names and calling us weird stuff. He somehow thought that Adelle's name was really Anal!! :p

[honeychile]

This might be a "you had to be there", but...

My girlfriend & I were driving home from a soccer game. To get from the game to our respective houses, we had to go over a bridge (this is in Pittsburgh, land of a million bridges!), through a tunnel, and on a fairly major highway. We were almost home when K (who was driving) turned to me and said:

K: "Did we go through the tunnel yet?"
Me: (looking around) "I don't know."
K: "Well, did we cross the bridge yet?"
Me: "I'm not sure" (pause) "Should you be driving?"
K: "I'm not driving - YOU are!"

[PhiMuJulia]

ok so a couple of the guys from jackass/cky are from west chester and one night my roomate was drunk and in wawa as was bam margera and ryan dunn(jackass guys) she points at bam and says "that guy lookls like a serial killer" he found it rather amusing

[AlphaFrog]

Ok so my friend's cousin goes to my college and she was at the bars when she ran out of money...she went over to use the ATM at a nearby bank.

She didn't come back for awhile so her friends went to check on her....she was in front of the ATM screaming "I won, I won!!!" everytime money came out...I guess she thought it was a slot machine!

[tinydancer]

So this dude keeps saying " Well, a guy with hair down to HERE (holding his hand to his other elbow) told me that, AND I BELIEVE IT!!!"

Boy, that was a blast from the past. I hadn't thought of that in years.

[AOX81]

"Us three, we make a great duo."

"Panty soup, panty soup" (to the tune of smelly cat) - such a long story!!

[tunatartare]

*bump*

I was really drunk one night, and my roommate came back from a bar with two of our friends. And one was this guy Bob that I've known for like a year and when he came in I was like "what's your name?" to him and he was like "you know my name" and I was like no I don't" so he told me his name was Bob and we all just sat and chilled in our common room and then about 5 minutes later I tried to "introduce" myself again to him, and I asked him what his name was and he was like "just call me Ray." So then my roommate was talking to him and she said something to him and she called him Bob and I got so confused and he goes to her "Masha is soo drunk" and in response to him I go "you think I'm drunk?! your name is Bob and you're telling people to call you Ray!!!"

[sairose]

Haha...

Well, I tend to say WEEEEEIRD stuff when I'm tipsy. :p

One night we were drinking in a friend's room before heading to the Pike party, and someone mentioned that this girl was gonna be there...and I happen to really dislike this girl. Don't wanna use her real name...let's call her Jane. So I look to my friend Jared and said, "Jared, can we just accidentally set Jane on fire?: What the crap was I thinking?!

Another time, while drunk, I was on the top bunk of a friend's bed eating a bag of microwave popcorn. I started pouring the popcorn all over the floor exclaiming, "I can make it snow! I HAVE THE POWER!!!!"

:p

[TriDeltaGal]

sairose...thanks for making my GC night with your drunk stories. Those are hilarious!

[tunatartare]

Hahaha the popcorn thing is just great! :)

[sairose]

Originally posted by TriDeltaGal
sairose...thanks for making my GC night with your drunk stories. Those are hilarious!

LOL you're welcome! :D I still laugh out loud whenever I think of those!

[RedFox]

Two things that happened on my recent trip to NYC...we were in Times Square at Sephora...my friends and I were quite tipsy from being at a really nice italian restuarant and having lots of wine-- but anyway one of the people working there was telling us about the time his brother threw a party and had $500 cash on his dresser, along with a flat screen tv, dvds, dvd player and other expensive electronics lying openly around. (First off, thats just stupid if he throws a party). However, all the ended up stealing were his Polo socks! What the heck! So my friend Justin goes: "Well, if he leaves $500 on the dresser while throwing a big party, he's asking for his socks to get stolen" It was so funny at the time, we were cracking up.

The other funny thing that happened was my friend Alex and I got back from being out and wanted to go out again because we weren't really tired. It was about 2amish and we had been drinking and here's how our convo went:

Me: It's 2am, nothings open now in Times Square
Him: Things are open, lets just go, cmon!!
Me: Like what? What is open?
Him: YES IT IS!!!!


it was so funny, but now that I read this, ya'll may not think so, but I guess it was one of those you-had-to-be-there type of thing.

But of course, the universal best drunken line ever is....

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!!!!!!"

Happy New Year everyone!:D

[GeekyPenguin]

None of these were me, I swear. ;)

So freshman year of college, two of my (drunk in the afternoon) wing-mates decide to take out the boxes from Leah's brand new computer. Rather than go down the stairs carrying them, they decide to go box-sledding. However, they can't just go box sledding - they have to DRESS UP. They put on wifebeaters, hats, scarfs, mittens, and J-Lo sunglasses, then successfully sled down 3 flights of stairs. They're almost all the way outside when they bump into our RD, who sees them just chillin in their boxes. She asks what's going on and they say "Dude, we got a DELL!"

My other highlight would have to come from last night - one of my friends was complaining about sequels to movies for some unknown reason, and was like "Die Hard 999999, Born Again with a Vengeance, blah blah blah - What's next, Paycheck: Deposited?"

[AOPIHottie]

My friend Tommy, king of the stupid quotes drunk AND sober, one night in a bar he decided to start yelling "Anus A**!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. For no reason, no one was talking to him. And so he got my friend to start yelling it too. So this tiny lil girl and this tall broad guy are sitting at the bar yelling Anus A** as loud as possible.
Ok, guess you had to be there.

another time, I absolutly hate being called a b*tch. You can call me anything else except that. and all my friends know this. So my friend(tommy again) is TRASHED on Jack Daniels and wants me to go get beer. I say sure as long as i can have one. He looks at me and says "I already gave you rum you greedy b*tch-Oh my god you hate that word!!!" and grabs me in this huge bear hug and pins my arms down saying to everyone else-"she is out of hitting range, right?" Needless to say as he tried to run away he hit the sliding glass door. Now that was funny.

[AOcutiePi4ever]

"And I am wondering where my eyebrow went." -Natalie while peering at herself in the mirror (as far as I could tell her eyebrow was still where it was supposed to be)

"I need to go put the tape measure in the mailbox" -Natalie, that same nite.

[AOcutiePi4ever]

Originally posted by honeychile
This might be a "you had to be there", but...

My girlfriend & I were driving home from a soccer game. To get from the game to our respective houses, we had to go over a bridge (this is in Pittsburgh, land of a million bridges!), through a tunnel, and on a fairly major highway. We were almost home when K (who was driving) turned to me and said:

K: "Did we go through the tunnel yet?"
Me: (looking around) "I don't know."
K: "Well, did we cross the bridge yet?"
Me: "I'm not sure" (pause) "Should you be driving?"
K: "I'm not driving - YOU are!"


driving drunk??? no no

[AGDee]

My senior year in college, my sister-daughter (Angela) and I were tired of fraternity mixers but they were mandatory so we HAD to go. There was one fraternity guy there who had been a senior when I pledged, so he had been around for at least 7 years and was STILL IN SCHOOL. He was quite drunk at this mixer and when he came over to talk to me, he said "Oh, are you still in school?". I looked at Angela and she looked at me and I said "No, we're alum now! We're both married". He was like "Oh my gosh! I had no idea!". Then Angela pipes up and says "And I'm expecting" and rubs her belly. The very drunk fraternity guy gets this panicked look and says "Can I get you some milk?". LMAO.. it was too funny.

After that, we got into the habit of going to parties and making up outrageous stories to tell to the drunks to get their reactions.

Dee

[AOX81]

When I was in Vegas...

My friend was wasted in our hotel and told some guy that was checking out of his room that he looked like a Century 21 salesman. That night she also said that everything was plurry instead of blurry. I guess you had to be there.

[Betarulz!]

Okay reviving an old thread (hooray for search!)...but this is a pretty good one



"I feel ugly if I don't go home with someone."

Some random freshman girl at a party who was pretty much about to get sick all over the vans carrying people from the primer to the party. The sad thing is, she was ugly.

[amycat412]

there was this one time, when I was backstage at a Bon Jovi concert doing shots w Jon and I asked him to record my outgoing cell VM message for me...

Oh wait, that hasn't happened yet. MARCH 11th BABY.

"Hi this is Jon Bon Jovi, Amy can't take your call right now, please leave her a message."

HA HA HA

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by AXJules
If I DID drink, :rolleyes: I would have to be embarassed the most about a time that happened last year in Cancun. I was walking home with my friends at like 5 AM and I saw this brown palm tree leaf on the side walk.
I swear to god it looked like a trout or something, so I yell out, "Hey!!! You should come out with us tomorrow night!"
My friends are like, wtf are you talking about???
I go, 'everyone loves a red herring at a party. It can drink like a fish."
HORRIBLE. They were so confused/embarassed/whatever that I walked the rest of the way home.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all night...er, along with the "if only you were a big giant sausage" excitement.

[amycat412]

Originally posted by valkyrie
This is the funniest thing I've seen all night...er, along with the "if only you were a big giant sausage" excitement.
Can I tell Mr Amycat on Sunday that he is a sausage? OH! I should do SHOTS before our lunch, makle it infinitely more amusing

[USCTKE]

I showed up at one of my friends houses one saturday morning after they had been out partying all night long, I was talking to one of my brothers who was hungover at this point and I asked him how the night went he said "I remember leaving the bar, walking back here passing out, then waking up with my dick in her mouth, then passing back out...hey I think I was sexually assualted last night" before our next meeting when everyone was giving shit about hooking up with that particular girl (a rather nasty one) he said "I think I was assualted, I dont remember giving her consent to suck my dick...at least that is all I hope she did"

[Optimist Prime]

overheard at quadfest '03:

"I'm glad I drove over here, because I'm way to f-ed up to walk."

Wrong. But funny.

[irishpipes]

I was in San Francisco last Spring sitting on a park bench with my husband when a homeless guy came up and informed us that we were on his bench. He was drunk, and went on to tell us that he served his country and he is sick of people from Denmark coming over to the US and stealing park benches. He got so worked up and insisted we were from Denmark and finally threw his bottle of malt liquor at us (it missed and shattered against the tree right behind our heads.) He got so belligerent that the police had to take him away. It was NOT funny at the time (we were terrified) but now we joke about those damn people from Denmark all the time.

[Lindz928]

This thread makes me want to see my college friends! It also makes me want a drink. :p

[FHwku]

my buddy jonathan, who is of age, was drunk 'n passed out in the passenger seat. his girlfriend was sober, under 21, and driving. they got pulled over.

while jonathan is sleeping, the state trooper asks if the guy in the passenger seat is alright. allison proceeds to explain to the trooper that, "yes, he's alright. he just got off a long day at work." a likely explaination. that's why he's so sleepy. of course.

things were going smoothly until jonathan woked up and blurted out, "what the fuck is going on here?" flashlight shines in his face and the question asked was, "sir, have you been drinking?"

"why yes i have been. i'm drunk."

jon has to show his i.d. but the trooper still wants him to step out of the car. jonathan enters drunken legal mode. "if i get out, you'll give me a ticket for being drunk in public."

"sir, step out of the car."

"why?!"

"just step out of the car."

"no!"

sternly, "sir i'm not gonna ask you again."

"I thought you weren't gonna ask me again?"

[preciousjeni]

Originally posted by FHwku
my buddy jonathan, who is of age, was drunk 'n passed out in the passenger seat. his girlfriend was sober, under 21, and driving. they got pulled over.

while jonathan is sleeping, the state trooper asks if the guy in the passenger seat is alright. allison proceeds to explain to the trooper that, "yes, he's alright. he just got off a long day at work." a likely explaination. that's why he's so sleepy. of course.

things were going smoothly until jonathan woked up and blurted out, "what the fuck is going on here?" flashlight shines in his face and the question asked was, "sir, have you been drinking?"

"why yes i have been. i'm drunk."

jon has to show his i.d. but the trooper still wants him to step out of the car. jonathan enters drunken legal mode. "if i get out, you'll give me a ticket for being drunk in public."

"sir, step out of the car."

"why?!"

"just step out of the car."

"no!"

sternly, "sir i'm not gonna ask you again."

"I thought you weren't gonna ask me again?" WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM????

[FHwku]

he got a stern lecture. didn't go to jail or anything, though.

probably could've been worse. the other state trooper was laughing though. at least one of them had a sense of humor.

[KSUViolet06]

"I'm smart! I speak Spanish! "Como te llama", that means "hi"!!!

[tld221]

last night...

me and friend, garrett, in a drunken early-90s singalong:

me: omg, i cant believe you know that song!
garrett: hold on a minute. (looks me square in the eye) not drunk right now, but i'm gonna give you the best turkey-basted babies.
me: :confused:

(maybe you had to be there)

[Betarulz!]

I found it funny, but that's mainly because in a recent small group discussion for one of my med school classes, our advisor (who is a physician) told us a story about a patient they had who was a lesbian but pregnant. Apparently the couple recruited a male friend and they ended up using a turkey baster...

[marquise1911]

"I love you...whatever the hell ur name is! I've loved you since before my mama was born."

I thought it was sweet. She didn't remember.

[DeltAlum]

After having several drinks on a flight from NYC to Denver late on a Saturday night after having televised a football game at West Point, one of the Executive Producers wandering around the parking garage at the old Denver airport in a daze:

"I know I left my car here somewhere..."

[Pessimist Null]

he got a stern lecture. didn't go to jail or anything, though.

probably could've been worse. the other state trooper was laughing though. at least one of them had a sense of humor.


the only way it would have been worse is if he had gotten out of the car. Its not illegal to be drunk in a car, and no policeman can force you step out. Its illegal to be driving drunk and to be drunk in public. Don't trust the police and don't trust anyone who trusts them. And then everyone dies and is sad. Because I'm a pessimist now.

[KSig RC]

Recently, in Vegas, we were at a Brazilian steakhouse. After bringing around 6 or so meats on swords, the final course was lamb. My buddy Troy, who is WORKED at about 6pm (I mean . . . Vegas), looks at us and goes, "I think more people would eat lamb if it weren't for that whole Bambi thing."

The rest of us kind of looked around for a while, then I got it - I had to tell him that Bambi was a f-ing deer.

Response? "Oh, shit - my bad."

[Still BLUTANG]

this thread is hilarious!

i had a horny drunk friend say "i'm f*cked. drunk me!"

[FHwku]

toward the end of a party in nashville, That Guy comes outside with his guitar. everyone was listen to the stereo, rockin' away pretty hard. Scenester Rock. that's when That Guy precedes to say, "shhh! shhh! everybody shutup, and then a few people help him shush everyone and turn the music down." the entire crowd of scenester kids stops to look, and That Guy starts playing "She Talks to Angels" (Black Crowes.) if you know any Scenester Kids, you know that they don't listen to Southern Rock much. shocked silence. the only person laughing was a 24-year-old oil painter, who thought it was just like a Will Ferrell skit.

That Guy ='s Me. i didn't really care for what they were listening to and i was very drunk and determined to rectify that situation. the painter just told me about this Friday at an engagement party for a mutual friend that i had to play. i fell out laughing.

[33girl]

I'm glad this got bumped. In a variant, I have to say the title of funniest drunk semi-karaoke I've ever heard (i.e. singing along to the jukebox) has been claimed by the guys on my birthday belting out "Do Re Mi" from Sound of Music and "Sing, Sing a Song" by the Carpenters. (Did I mention some semifamous local media guys were included in the group....LOL) And they knew EVERY SINGLE WORD.

[AOIIBrandi]

One of hubby's fraternity brothers: "I can't see and that's a f*ing problem".

[texgal]

My roommate and I got a little tipsy and ended up on the floor of our friend's apartment, rolling around, laughing, and telling our friend that she should just let us stay as her new carpet pals. My roommate actually said "Let us stay! We'll be as quiet as carpet, we'll be your carpet pals!!" (and we were being no where near quiet)

[Scandia]

My friend says that the craziest thing he ever did when drunk was that when someone complained that the champagne was no good, he took the bottle, emptied it out on the ground, and said "Evil be gone".

I know, quite tame. He was from France. He was accustomed to drinking alcohol since a young age. So the alcohol did not cause him to do truly regrettable things.

[MaryAmanda]

"2 + 2 = chair"

[AOX81]

As an drunk ex-roommate was in the bathroom throwing up she was yelling at me and our other two roommates...

"One's a person, two's a couple, three's a crowd, and four's a f*cking stadium, so get the hell out!"

[Tucker Carlson]

my hung over fraternity brother one morning woke up and said "$hit, i think i am goin to need a new phone because i pissed myself last night and my phone is now drenched in piss."

[Unregistered-]

"It doesn't taste that bad....till you swallow it." -- DolphinChicaDDD, Hale Koa Hotel Barefoot Bar, July 2006

[ufdale]

My boyfriend got really really drunk one night and he started making up his own language! It was very slow and slurred, but definitely had no resemblance to English! The problem was that he didn't realize he was speaking his “new language” and he kept getting madder and madder because I couldn't respond back to whatever he said. lol!! I bring that one up every time we talk about drunk stories! He's only spoken his own language once though...:confused:

[PM_Mama00]

Lol ok this is a little vulgar. But...

Last night at the bar, one of our friends brought along his friend who said the most random stuff. After the band played some song, he just busts out nonchalantly with "This song makes my p***s soft". Later when one of our friends was ordering a drink, he goes "Damn that girl is on a mission". I guess it was one of those had to be there moments.

[tunatartare]

/hijack

anything end up happening at the bar with the guy you like last night?